Narrator: Michael arrived at the fair, sore from over-training.
Michael: Can't really go that high. I'm in a lot of pain, here.
Steve Holt: Yeah, you know, I figured you'd be that way, so, uh... Coach gave me these. They're, uh, pills filled with oxygen.
Michael: Yeah?
Steve Holt: They keep you from being incontinent. Have one, they're called Oxy-Incontinent.
Narrator: Steve didn't have that quite right.

Narrator: Meanwhile, Maeby was trying to get knocked out of the pageant.
Pope Impersonator: Pope Impersonator, Church. How has God influenced your life?
Maeby: About just as much as Big Bird and the Keebler elves.
Pope Impersonator: Well, my faith would've been shaken if He had taken my legs, too. [applause]
Gob: Gob Bluth, State. I was betrayed by my brother, Michael! Who's your favorite family member, and why?
Maeby: Definitely not my shallow, materialistic mother, who only cares about looks.
Gob: I think we all feel that way about our mothers, and we all have legs. [applause]

Narrator: But as it turns out, the fair had two Startled Straight tents. And George Sr. had wandered into the church-sponsored one.
George Sr.: Do you want to become some guy's girlfriend?
Narrator: ...intended to scare gay young men into a heterosexual lifestyle.
George Sr.: You want to have some guy reach around you in the middle of the night, start messing with your junk?
Young Man #1: Is he ugly?
George Sr.: No, it's pitch black. You don't see him, and it never stops, guys. And everybody acts like it's no big deal.
Young Man #2: Is there a cover charge?

Narrator: And the Inner Beauty Pageant was down to the final three.
Rev. Bob Patterson: Will it be the beautiful Hope Loblaw? The stalwart Annabelle Veal? Or the justifiably-bitter Surely Woolfbeak?
Narrator: It became clear that Surely was going to win.
Maeby: I'm sorry. This is wrong.
Narrator: And that's when Maeby displayed some real inner beauty.
Maeby: One of these girls deserves to win.
Man: [o.s.] She can stand!
Woman: [o.s.] The Lord's blessed her!
Lindsay: Maeby?
Tobias: That's how I know her.
Gob: Let us pray.
Maeby: Oh, for God's sake.

Buster: Hey, possible nephew.
Steve Holt: Oh, hey.

Narrator: And, meanwhile, George Sr. hadn't succeeded in startling anyone but himself.
George Sr.: I mean, there's nothing to do all day except lift weights, and fold laundry, get thrown into a cage with a bunch of sweaty men. Excuse me. I can't go back, I can't go back!
Man: Well, I'm glad he won't be there.
Narrator: George Sr. came across a U.S. Army Combat Humvee and the Pope Mobile. And he decided to escape in the bulletproof one.
[George Sr. escapes in the Pope Mobile]

Maeby: I got some news for you. There's no such thing as an inner beauty pageant. They're just gonna pick the chick with the best T and A.
Narrator: As a child, Maeby had been entered into a number of progressive pageants that claimed to celebrate beauty in all its forms. But the winners still tended to have it "going on" in the conventional sense.
Lindsay: Remember how badly you used to want to win?
Maeby: No, I remember how badly you used to want me to win.
Lindsay: Yeah, we should have. I don't know where that hair of yours came from.
Tobias: [enters] Shameless Plugs on Placentia. Looks pretty good, huh? And they're not licensed, which means big savings. [drops handheld mirror] That's been happening a lot lately.

Steve Holt: It's just, they have this father-son triathlon and I just wanted him to do it with me. Stupid, huh?
Michael: Oh, that's a pretty tough race.
Steve Holt: Only for a wimp, a wuss, a [bleep].
Narrator: And Steve didn't mean pussycat.
Michael: Uh, Steve how'd you like to do that triathlon with me?
Steve Holt: Are you serious?
Michael: Yeah.
Steve Holt: Uncle Mike!
Michael: Steve Holt!
Narrator: Both men felt good about themselves.
Michael: Uncle Mike!
Steve Holt: Steve Holt!

Gob: So this is how Michael gets rid of my son? By stealing him? Well, I'll just have to steal something of his. Like, say, his bicycle. As a placeholder.

Michael: [enters] Hi, sorry, sorry, totally forgot about this meeting. What's going on?
Bob Loblaw: Your father's gotten a lot of bad press because of the escape attempts. Volunteer for something.
Larry: I'll do anything to get out of this [bleep] apartment.
Lucille: You'll do anything to get out of [bleep] in this apartment.
Larry: Ah, you're drunk.