Lindsay: You know what? This is the perfect thing to do.
Maeby: No, Mom, I'm not gonna do it.
Lindsay: Oh, no, no, not you. Bob's daughter, Hope. If I can get Hope this crown, maybe her father might just want to crown me, if you know what I mean.
Michael: I'm guessing "have sex", but that's meeting you more than halfway.

Tobias: Perhaps if I can coach a certain young lady to victory in this pageant I can gain back the respect of my wife. I'll show them a little T and A.
Maeby: You can't make me do it, Dad.
Tobias: Tobias and Ann.
George Michael: My Ann? No, I don't think we need any help.
Tobias: Oh, George Michael, she's a girl. I need to teach her how to be a woman. Within her lies a queen. Let me out that queen.
Michael: Yeah, I think you just did.

Michael: I'm not gonna lie to your son.
Gob: Come on, I lie to yours all the time. Michael, I'm not ready to be a dad. Plus, I'm gonna be very busy this week being a judge for the pageant.
Narrator: Gob had been a pageant judge for years.
Gob: You can't believe what it does for your sex life.
Michael: I don't want to hear it.
Gob: I don't want to say it. First place chick is hot, but has an attitude, doesn't date magicians. Second place is someone weird usually, like a Chinese girl or a geologist. But third place, although a little bit plain, has super low self-esteem. So I step in and, uh, lay her crown upon my sweet head.
Michael: Have I missed this euphemism?

Steve Holt: [knocks on door] [o.s.] Steve Holt!
Gob: I should go. [runs away]
Steve Holt: [enters] He's hiding from me, isn't he?
Michael: You know, uh, you got to stop saying your name all the time.

George Michael: Hey, what are you doing, Maeby?
Maeby: It's Surely. I'm just here to prove that all these pageants care about is looks. Just watch, Surely's inner beauty will get trumped by her outer icky.
George Michael: What happened to your nose?
Maeby: It's part of the disguise. Isn't it cool? The same one Nicole Kidman wore in The Hours.
Narrator: It had been purchased for her at a charity auction she'd attended as a studio executive...
[flashback:]
Jamie Kennedy: $10,000
Narrator: ...by Jamie Kennedy.
Maeby: Oh, you're such a dear. But I'm not putting you in my remake of A Thoroughly Polite Dustup.

Narrator: As Maeby found herself stuck in a beauty pageant, Lucille was meeting with attorney Bob Loblaw about getting her son out of the Army.
Lucille: My God, he's already lost a hand. If he loses a leg, how will we ever get him out of the apartment?
Bob Loblaw: Well, the Army does have a one-in-one-out program, where the inductee is relieved of duty once he enlists someone to take his place.
Buster: So I'm supposed to find some poor, innocent soul and hook him?
Lucille: Well, that's not going to help sign anyone. Where's your hand?
Buster: Oh, it got stuck in the prize hole again.
Lucille: I told you not to play that stupid game anymore.
[flashback:]
Buster: Ah! There goes number three.
[present:]
Buster: I wasn't playing it. I was just trying to get my other one back.

Michael: I think you've got your hands full trying to make this guy look good.
Bob Loblaw: Well, there's a "Startled Straight" program at the fair, which involves you speaking with at-risk male youth to scare them away from criminal behavior.
George Sr.: Okay, I can do that. Uh, I'm gonna need some big blown up photos of your mother.
Michael: I think they're talking about your time in prison, Dad.
George Sr.: Oh, okay. Why not? I mean, uh, if I don't win this thing, I'm gonna be back there anyway.

Buster: "At Risk Male Youth." That spells "Army."
Narrator: And that's when Buster discovered a recruiting pool the government had been fishing for years.
Buster: I may head down there, too.

Michael: Yeah, I don't know, Dad, Startled Straight? I'm not sure you're the guy for that, but I'll look into it while I'm down at the fair signing up for a triathlon.
George Sr.: Triathlon? Do you know how hard a triathlon is? People lose control of every bodily function. Didn't you ever see that video? It's like your mother on New Year's Eve.
Narrator: Actually, Lucille went down faster.
George Sr.: And you're not even in shape! You're gonna fall apart in front of everybody.
Michael: You're kind of scaring me, Dad.
George Sr.: You see? Perfect for this Startled Straight thing.

Narrator: Tobias was getting Ann ready for the talent portion of the pageant.
Tobias: I think we need something with a little more spectacle in the act. Something that will make you look small and pretty in comparison. A camel.
George Michael: You know, she has a really lovely singing voice.
Ann: I'll sing to the camel.
Tobias: Yes, we can Google some disco songs with the word "hump" in them.
Ann: Cute.
George Sr.: No, that sounds a bit racy.
Tobias: Okay. He may be afraid of sex, but you're not going to win without it.
George Michael: No, I'm not afraid of sex...
Tobias: Oh, good. Have sex with this girl right now. Do it, go. Get in there. Have some sex with her right now. I didn't think so. Ann, you need to decide whether you want a man or a boy. I know how I'd answer.
Ann: Give us some room, George Michael, I can't breathe.