Season 1, Episode 12 - Aired February 8, 2004
After Michael gives a speech about relationships at Lindsay's anniversary party, Marta realizes she has feelings for him. Meanwhile, Buster breaks free from his mother Lucille.
Quote from Tobias
Narrator: Tobias had recently hired actor Carl Weathers as a drama coach.
Tobias: Do you see me more as the respected dramatic actor or more the beloved comic actor?
Carl Weathers: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! There's still plenty of meat on that bone. You take this home, throw it in a pot, add some broth, a potato... Baby, you got a stew goin'.
Tobias: Yes, that's fine. But I would like to focus on my acting, Mr. Weathers. I did give you my last $1,100.
Carl Weathers: Let me tell you a little story about acting. I was doing this Showtime movie, Hot Ice, with Anne Archer. Never once touched my per diem. I go to craft service, get some raw veggies, bacon, cup of soup... Baby, I had a stew goin'.
Tobias: I think I'd like my money back.
Quote from George Sr.
Narrator: And the family gathered to watch a videotape George Sr. had sent Lindsay and Tobias for their anniversary.
George Sr.: [on video] Hello, I'm George Bluth and for the next 45 minutes let me take you on a journey...
Lucille: Good grief. He sent us one of his idiot videotapes.
George Sr.: First this..
Video Announcer: You've seen George Bluth on videotape.
George Sr.: [montage on tape] You have got to learn to be alone. I cheated and I lied. And I whored around.
Prisoner: [on tape] Caged Wisdom changed my life.
Video Announcer: Now is your chance to own the entire George Bluth Caged Wisdom library for only four payments of 19.95.
Quote from Lindsay
George Michael: Besides, I don't even care. I mean, first, you said share a room with her, I shared a room with her. Now you're saying don't share a room with her. Fine. I'm just doing whatever you say. You know, the adults making all the decisions around here. Why am I in trouble?
Lindsay: You're not in trouble. We're all just gonna have a more normal arrangement. I'm gonna sleep with my daughter, and you're gonna sleep with my husband.
Quote from Lucille
Michael: Lindsay, how's this for an anniversary cake?
Lucille: Anniversary? You asked me to throw a Valentine's Day party.
Michael: Did I?
Lindsay: You tricked me.
Michael: I deceived you, Mom. Tricked makes it sound like we have a playful relationship.
Lucille: Touche. Lupe, untie the balloons!
Quote from George Michael
Narrator: Like his father, George Michael had been nursing an impossible crush. It was on his cousin, Maeby. And with no one to talk to, he was looking for some kind of direction.
George Michael: Just give me a sign. First one's obvious. Okay.
Narrator: He continued to look for a sign. Until finally...
George Michael: "Maybe tonight." What are the chances?
Narrator: Actually, "Maybe Tonight" was a very popular candy slogan and the chances were one in eight.
Quote from Maeby
George Michael: What are you doin'?
Maeby: Just tryin' to throw stuff at my dad's head but the wind keeps taking it.
George Michael: Oh, cool. So, I, uh... I found this. I thought it was like a one-in-a-million thing. It just made me think of you. [hands her the candy]
Maeby: Oh, perfect.
[After Maeby throws the candy at her father's head, she runs away. When Tobias turns around, George is just standing there.]
Tobias: I saw that.
Quote from Lucille Austero
Narrator: And Lucille found a way to force a wedge into her son's relationship.
Lucille: Lucille, guess who's coming to dinner? I've invited Carl to dine with us next Tuesday.
Buster: Mother, you know I have class on Tuesday.
Lucille: Oh, how silly of me. Well, then perhaps the two of you can have dinner alone.
Carl Weathers: Oh, well, I never say no to dinner, with a beautiful lady that is.
Lucille Austero: Do you like ham?
Carl Weathers: No. I love it. [both laugh]
Quote from Lindsay
Lindsay: I was thinking about that toast you gave at my anniversary party. So, I want to get a divorce.
Lindsay: Do you think I should use our attorney, Barry, or just kind of bolt in the night? I'm leaning toward bolt in the night, but...
Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Lindsay, I wasn't talking about getting a divorce.
Lindsay: Oh, Michael. It's time. The man's psychologically incapable of taking all of his clothes off.
Narrator: In fact, Tobias was a never-nude. As of yet, the D.S.M. IV has not acknowledged the affliction.
Michael: I don't know, Lindsay. I mean, who am I to judge? On the other hand, I am doing it anyway so let me suggest before you talk divorce, at least consider a separation. You know, you do have a kid.
Lindsay: I know. I was gonna take her with me in the night. She's part of the bolt.
Quote from Michael
Buster: [on the phone with Michael] I never want to look at Mom again.
Michael: What happened?
Buster: Well, I can't really talk. She might be listening in. Do you know she tried to set up my girlfriend with a man? This has to stop.
Michael: You know, that's not really what I was going for.
Buster: I'm a man, Mike! I'm a man.
Lupe: [in the kitchen to Lucille] Can I throw out this yogurt?
Michael: Buster, two things. First of all, I think it might be time for you to move out, you know? Secondly, you don't want to take any chances with yogurt, Mom. Just let her throw it out.
Lucille: [on the phone] He-Hello? Who's on this phone?
Quote from Michael
Gob: She kept using this guy's name, like, "Hermano."
Michael: Let me tell you something, Gob. We're gonna track this "Hermano" down, and we're gonna nail him. 'Cause if anyone's gonna go out with that girl, it's gonna be one of us.
Gob: Right. Me.
Michael: And I'm okay with that.