Maeby: I don't get it. Why do we have to change rooms?
Lindsay: Cousins of the opposite gender shouldn't be sharing a room.
George Michael: But that's just the point. I mean, we're cousins. You know, gender has nothing to do with it. I mean, cousins can bunk together. That's why they call it "bunkin' cousins."
Lindsay: They call it "Kissin' cousins."
George Michael: We're not kissing! That's the point!
Narrator: George Michael was concerned that Tobias had seen the candy heart that said "Maybe Tonight"and had figured out that he had a crush on his cousin.

Carl Weathers: Oh, hey, Buster. I thought you had class.
Buster: I thought you had class. My brother-in-law fires you, and you move in on my girlfriend?
Carl Weathers: Come on now. Wait a minute. This is purely a social call. You know, just two adults gettin' a stew on, man.
Buster: I don't know what that means, but it sounds disgusting.
Lucille Austero: Hey, Buster. Gee, I thought you had class.
Buster: I thought you had class!

Lucille: I had to see you. He moved out.
George Sr.: Moved out? Buster did?
Lucille: I know it's for his own good, but I'm worried.
George Sr.: He's gonna be fine.
Lucille: I'm not worried about him. I've never lived in the apartment alone. I'm not sure I'm up to this.
George Sr.: All right. Shh, shh, shh. Listen. I know you think I'm going after the $49, but I want... I want you to watch a little Caged Wisdom.
Lucille: Not this garbage again.
George Sr.: There is joy in solitude, Lucille. Try being alone. l-l-It just might make you happier. Honey, my happiest times here are alone. [Lucille groans] Hey, Bruno, any chance that the hole is available between 4:00 and 6:00?
Lucille: I don't even want to know what that means.

Tobias: Good news. Carl got me an audition.
Buster: Carl Weathers?
Tobias: I think the world is about to fall in love with "Frightened Inmate #2."
Buster: Well, at least he gave you something. Carl Weathers took everything from me. My entire life just came crashing down, and it's all his fault. I will never love again.

Michael: [answers phone] Hello.
Gob: She's at the house. She's at the house!
Michael: [to Marta] One second.
Gob: I'm gonna speak very carefully in case she's with you.
Michael: You're right.
Gob: Right about what? She's there? What's going on? Who's with you? If it's Marta, say "nobody."
Michael: Nobody.
Gob: Well, now I don't know what's going on.

Michael: [on the phone] Listen, I gotta go. Somebody wants to take me out to dinner.
Gob: Somebody?
Michael: Nobody.
Gob: Why don't I just come in? I'm right outside.
Michael: No, no. Not- Not a good idea. Somebody wants to talk to me about something.
Gob: Ah, she wants to talk to you. Got it. For some reason women feel safe around you. Maybe because you've only had sex four times.
Michael: Four women! Not four times! And they talk to me because I talk to them.
Gob: Look, go to dinner. Let's get to the bottom of this "Hermano" stuff, brother.
Michael: Yep.

Narrator: Tobias arrived at his audition for "Frightened Inmate #2." The competition frightened Tobias, which he felt he could use in his performance. Unfortunately this made him more confident which frightened him again.
Tobias: I'm ready.

Maeby: That's it! Tell me what's up with you and Dad.
Lindsay: Nothing. Nothing's wrong with your father and me. We have a a wonderful, close relationship. Can I let you in on a little secret? Hmm? Having him in the next room makes me miss him all the more.
Maeby: Mom, please. He's got a big-boy crush on Action Jackson.
Lindsay: I know. How can I compete with that? Okay. We're having a little fight right now. But don't worry, darling. Okay? Mommy and Daddy aren't going anywhere.
Maeby: Okay. I'm gonna go unpack my suitcase.
Lindsay: No! We may have to bolt.

George Michael: You know, Maeby and I were cool with each other. And you must miss your wife. It's practically still your anniversary.
Tobias: Fourteen years of lies. Yes, I'm the doctor. The perfect husband. The big manly man. The big strong daddy. Do you know the last time that I made love to my wife?
George Michael: No.
Tobias: I'll tell you when.
George Michael: No, don't.
Tobias: See, nothing has ever been easy for us. I mean, the only reason she went out with me was to piss off her boyfriend. The only reason she ever married me was to piss off her mother. And then, of course, we couldn't conceive. So there was that famous ordeal.
George Michael: Wh- What do you mean you couldn't conceive? [phone rings] Was Maeby adopted? What? Is she not really related to me? Is she just some girl I know?

Lindsay: This was supposed to be my anniversary toast.
Lucille: Yeah. And this was supposed to be my Valentine's Day party. Speaking of which Lupe, where are those balloons?
Lupe: [o.s.] You want balloons?