Lindsay: There's nothing keeping us together. It's time to give up our dreams if they're not working. You know, your acting career, this marriage that everyone thinks is a sham because you're gay.
Tobias: I'm- I'm sorry. Everyone thinks I'm gay?
Lindsay: Well, I mean, it's kind of a running joke in the family. I mean, you know that, right? 'Cause of the misleading way you talk sometimes.
Tobias: You're saying the way I talk makes me sound gay? When in the last year have I said anything remotely-
[11 seconds earlier:]
Tobias: [sings] It's just a phallus...see!
[present:]
Tobias: misleading? Is this because I want to be an actor and all the leading men in Hollywood are gay?
Lindsay: I don't think that all the leading men in Hollywood are gay.
Tobias: Oh, honey.

Narrator: Tobias knew it was time to find out what he was truly meant to do. So when he came across a book the universe had placed in his path, he was open to its inspiration.
Tobias: They're still reading it, but... Well, I guess I can leave them some Love.
Narrator: So he just took Eat and Pray. Eat was easy, although it provided no cosmic answers for him. But it was the part about India that really got to him. And so, like the heroine of Eat, Pray-
Tobias: Wait a minute.
Narrator: Tobias decided to get as far away from his wife as possible.
Narrator & Tobias: And so Tobias found himself booking passage to India.

Narrator: And so Tobias, hoping to straighten out his image, set out on a new start. Beginning with a trip to the airport in an outfit he pretty much put together himself.
Tobias: I guess this is why you never see them driving convertibles.
Narrator: I'll have to check on that one. But it certainly wasn't embraced...
Lindsay: Stay in your lane, anus tart!
Cab Driver: [bleep] Anus tart!
Narrator: ...by the local Indian community.

Narrator: Tobias finally arrived...
Tobias: And so Tobias Fünke embarked on a... Oh, dear Lord, it's... hot!
Narrator: In India, yes, where he was very uncomfortable. Not only because the wind whipped up his queen-sized fittedmini-sarong, but because he looked the wrong direction when stepping into the street. And so Tobias experienced India from the inside of a hospital room, where the staff was being trained...
Doctor: This man here broke his skull in two places.
Narrator: ...by the same doctor he'd had in America.
Doctor: Once outside the airport and once in the elevator when his sheet got caught and he was pulled off his gurney.
Narrator: Literally.
Female Med Student: [laughs] Two places indeed.
Male Med Student: This is very funny. It's like that new show we just got, Laugh-In.
Tobias: My name is... Oh! Now I've broken my skull in a third place! On this elephant guy statue! [laughter]
Female Med Student: You should be a comedy actor.

Narrator: Tobias and Lindsay shared the news of their new start at a family gathering.
Tobias: I got the part. You know, it's funny, for I, too, find that I am on a journey. Although, as we discovered when our MasterCard bill came back, it was the same one she took. But mine has confirmed that I should redouble my efforts to achieve the unachievable dream of being an actor. A journey that has left me eager to connect with my true love. Particularly if she finds her way clear to covering a 2,000-rupee City of Hopelessness hospital debt.
Lucille: The trick is going to be getting anyone to believe that her husband is straight enough to have a true love that's a woman.
Tobias: What are you implying?
Michael: Oh, I don't think there was any implying going on at all. Didn't hear any implying.
Lucille: I wasn't implying.
Tobias: I'm sorry, Mother. It's just, I've got a bit of a stick up my bunghole about what I've now found is a running joke about me. But let's be honest. For 2,000 rupees, we'd both go down on Matthew McConaughey. [chuckles] Yes, Michael?
Narrator: At the time of this family meeting, 2,000 rupees was $36.

Narrator: While Tobias pursued the life of a professional actor.
Tobias: Listen, I'm an actor, you're an agent. You do the math. I want you to represent me. In other words, you do the math. The money, the negotiating.
James Carr: You know I'm not that kind of agent, right? I'm a real estate agent. I'm a predator. I sell giant houses to very poor people who can't afford them with predatory loans.
Tobias: No, see, that's the money stuff I don't understand. All you need to do is tell people what a terrific actor I am, 'cause I can't do it believably. What do you say?
James Carr: Sounds like it shouldn't be too much work.
Tobias: Huzzah! Okay, here's the number of my current agent Mike Matthews. He's at Allstate. Fire him.

Narrator: And if the collapse of the housing market, his lack of auditions, or even the Writers' Strike, couldn't deter Tobias from his dream, the suicide of his ruined and despondent agent certainly could.
Priest: I believe he died as a warning, in a way, his message perhaps to live within our means and be realistic about our lives.
Narrator: And yet it didn't.
Tobias: Well, then I shall redouble my efforts so that he died in vain. Meaning he will have led a pointless life, is what I mean. Yes, carry on. Thank you.

Narrator: It's worth noting that Tobias had heard this hospital in Orange County was a favorite of show business big shots seeking plastic surgery.
Tobias: We're both actors! [wails]

Dr. Tilive: I'm afraid that you have tested positive for chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhea, hepatitis, pancreatitis, trichomonitis, non-gonococcal urethritis. All the itises, really, and there's also a host of osises. Now, what this means in non-medical terms is that you have landed a real party girl.
Tobias: Well, will she be okay?
Dr. Tilive: Well, we can treat all of these things, but if she's really gonna be okay, she's gonna have to tackle this drug problem.
Tobias: You didn't tell me you had a drug problem.
Debrie: We met at a methadone clinic.
Tobias: Are you high? We met at an acting class. The Method One...
Dr. Tilive: There it is. I'm gonna let you guys hash this out.

Debrie: I guess I shouldn't have lied about being clean when I took that methadone, but I'll do better this time. Or are you gonna leave me now that you know that I'm a druggie?
Tobias: DeBrie, look, some people struggle with addiction. Other people are incapable of ever being nude. Everybody has something. And it's my professional opinion that your drug use is a direct result of your abandoning your dream of acting. You are a gifted actress. When I first saw Straight Bait, there were two men making love, but I couldn't take my eyes off of you.
Debrie: You watched Straight Bait?
Tobias: Oh, just two, four and nine. You were with a guy who didn't care about you. But stick with me, and I'll make you famous by cashing in on your most celebrated role.