Narrator: Tobias Fünke was on his way to reconnect with a daughter he'd lost touch with.
Tobias: [on the phone] Hey, there. It's Big Daddy. I thought I'd try to call you before I surprised you. Things are really looking up, and... Hello? Damn it. What Sudden Valley does to these cell phones!
Narrator: Unbeknownst to Tobias, however, the Sudden Valley home he was on his way to visit...
Man: [over radio] Anus Tart is turning on Trixie Lane.
Narrator: ...had been rented out to a television crew.
Man: [over radio] Creeping up, George Michael.
John Beard: All right, guys, let's entrap a local predator. Come on, lowlife. We got to put this piece of [bleep].

John Beard: Who, what, when, where, why and how. Who, what, where, when, why and how. Who, what, when, where, why and how.
Man: [over radio] Anus Tart is approaching the portico.
Narrator: Yes, Tobias was finally about to get a starring role on a hit TV show.
Tobias: [enters] Is there a little girl here all by herself?

Narrator: Now, the story of a family whose future was abruptly canceled, and the one son-in-law who had no choice but to keep himself together. It's Tobias' Arrested Development.

Lindsay: Look, we're chasing things that aren't real. And maybe we need to go out there and find out what we're meant to do.
Narrator: His wife was giving him the cold shoulder. And after kissing it goodbye, he sat with her family, feeling lost...
Tobias: Well, you look like I feel.
Narrator: ...and very misunderstood.
Gob: Gay?
Tobias: No, I... No.

Lindsay: I'm so sorry, Tobias. Look, I've already packed. Can I just use this one?
Tobias: Oh, what the heck! I guess having matching luggage isn't so romantic anymore. And these romantic gestures are possibly why people think I'm a homosexual. Well, it's time to correct old misconceptions. And that is why I'm making a new start.
Lindsay: Oh, a new start. Filled with compassion and love. I like that.
Tobias: Well, I've already got the license plate, so go cry in your pie!

Narrator: Unfortunately, recreating the look of the traditional Indian garb turned out to be more difficult...
Tobias: I look like one of those hot guys from Spartacus.
Narrator: without the aid of Pradeep, the helpful Indian salesman...
Tobias: I feel like there was less up top.
Narrator: at Bed, Bath & Beyond, who helped him learn how to tie it.

Narrator: It was a devastating and personal story.
Tobias: Okay, notes. First of all, it seemed you were slurring a bit there, and I just think you'd have so much more fun punching those words. Get it out there. "This [bleep] is [bleep] up, sir." I'm sorry. I'm not familiar with the piece, so...
Debrie: No, no, that's it.
Tobias: But I am familiar with your work in the Fantastic Four, however.
Debrie: You've seen that?
Tobias: Of course I have.
Narrator: Twenty years earlier, DeBrie Bardeaux hadplayed Sue Storm in the low-budget version of the Fantastic Four, produced by Imagine Entertainment, when, during Imagine's Christmas party, a drunk lawyer reminded them they'd lose the rights if they didn't make the film in the next six days. After a two-hour search, they found their entire cast. They also proved useful six days later at the wrap party.

Debrie: Well, this is what's helping me. It's really good.
Tobias: Oh. Carl Weathers used to give us grape juice. But then he'd add $5 to our credit card. Well, here is to our acting addiction.
Debrie: Yep.
Tobias: May we never be cured.

Tobias: And I recognize you from somewhere, but it's not the Fantastic Four. It's from somewhere else.
Debrie: I've done some things I'm not proud of.
Tobias: Episodics? Been there.
Narrator: It wasn't episodic. She had been in a series of soft-core porn movies about women leading straight men into gay sex called Straight Bait.

Tobias: I've yet to make more money as an actor than I ever did as a doctor. And that's with Country-Wide behind me.
Debrie: Wait, you're a doctor? You can write scripts?
Tobias: Well, I like to think so.
Debrie: You should never give up a dream if you can write scripts. You seem like you'd be a good doctor/actor.
Narrator: It was the first positive reinforcement Tobias had had since India.
Debrie: You remind me of Billy Crystal. [Tobias kisses her]
Narrator: It would have broken Tobias' heart if he'd known she was about to say "Billy CrystalMeth," a funny drug dealer.