Tobias: I'm sorry, but, DeBrie, I've never met anyone who understands me like you do. Or at all.
Debrie: Maybe, with someone like you, I could have a new start.
Tobias: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Did you see my license plate, "A-N-U-S-T-A-R-T"?
Debrie: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Did you see my Straight Bait movie of the same name?

Tobias: Oh, hello, young man, and his... Uncle? Neighbor?
Man: Father.
Tobias: Oh! That's terrific. Well, how would you like to have your picture taken with real Hollywood movie land characters?
Boy: Are you the Smurfs?
Man: No, no, no. They're the Ambiguously Gay Duo.
Tobias: I assure you, there's nothing ambiguous about me. I'm Johnny Storm, the Human Flamer. And this is Sue Storm, my sister and fellow fighter-in-law.

Tobias: Now that I'm the iconic rock man The Thing, no one will misunderstand. I'm sure The Blues Brothers here will know who we are.
Feinberg #1: Excuse me, are you Sue Storm and The Thing?
Tobias: Who's smart now? Indeed we are.
Narrator: In fact, they were orthodox members of the law firm, Feinberg, Feinberg, Feinberg & Feinberg.
Feinberg #2: We represent Stan Lee and Marvel Enterprises. This is a cease and desist ordering you to stop impersonating any of our trademark characters.
Debrie: Oh, let me take a look at that. I have a law degree.
Tobias: No, DeBrie, I've got this. Mr. Feinberg? Would it change your mind if I offered you a free Sue Storm armband?
Narrator: It did not change his mind. And although the hate crime charges were dismissed, they were told they could not continue to pose as the Fantastic Four.

Narrator: Things were looking down. And over the following weeks, their financial situation grew dire enough for this to happen.
Debrie: We're broke.
Tobias: But you can't sell your Fantastic Four costume. I mean, that would be like a fisherman selling his fishing costume.
Debrie: No, I was gonna have sex with him. For money.
Tobias: What? No. Put that back on. You don't have to degrade yourself this way.
Man: Hey, I'm not a thing.
Tobias: Hey, I am a thing.

Narrator: And so, with no other options, Tobias returned to his in-laws' penthouse desperate enough to ransack the place when it appeared someone had beaten him to it.
Tobias: Michael. No, George Michael.

Lucille Austero: [sings] Why don't you go away, go away Get away, get away, stay away You're hopelessly hopeless... Good bird. Stop it, chicken! Somebody help!

Narrator: Tobias had acted like an actual superhero and saved Lucille 2.
Lucille Austero: You know, the doctor said if that bird had gotten through my second layer of makeup, it could've done permanent damage to my skin. And I want to repay you. You're a doctor, and you're out of work.
Tobias: Well...
Lucille Austero: How would you like to come work for me at Austerity?
Tobias: The rehab center? That's yours?
Lucille Austero: Well, my brother Argyle runs it day-to-day. But we are so understaffed. You'd be such a gift. It would only pay 120 grand a year to start.
Narrator: Tobias, whose girl friend had nearly sold her body for money in front of him, knew that everyone at some time had to face reality.
Tobias: [sustained groaning]
Narrator: But this wasn't the time.

Narrator: For three weeks, Tobias waited, hoping DeBrie would return. Perhaps it was the morning he awoke to find two bums using him as a pillow that he realized she wasn't coming back.
Man #1: Who are you supposed to be?
Tobias: I'm The Thing from Fantastic Four.
Man #1: You've been served [bleep].
Tobias: [bleep] me. Are you undercover as well?
Man #2: I'm CIA. Not here for you, though. Scoping out Imagine Entertainment.

Tobias: Is there a little girl here all by herself?
Narrator: And perhaps it was this that would finally get him to admit that he sometimes did speak in a misleading way.
Tobias: Daddy needs to get his rocks off.