Tobias Quote #196
Quote from Tobias in A New Start
Dr. Tilive: I'm afraid that you have tested positive for chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhea, hepatitis, pancreatitis, trichomonitis, non-gonococcal urethritis. All the itises, really, and there's also a host of osises. Now, what this means in non-medical terms is that you have landed a real party girl.
Tobias: Well, will she be okay?
Dr. Tilive: Well, we can treat all of these things, but if she's really gonna be okay, she's gonna have to tackle this drug problem.
Tobias: You didn't tell me you had a drug problem.
Debrie: We met at a methadone clinic.
Tobias: Are you high? We met at an acting class. The Method One...
Dr. Tilive: There it is. I'm gonna let you guys hash this out.
More Arrested Development Quotes
‘A New Start’ Quotes
Quote from Tobias
Narrator: Tobias knew it was time to find out what he was truly meant to do. So when he came across a book the universe had placed in his path, he was open to its inspiration.
Tobias: They're still reading it, but... Well, I guess I can leave them some Love.
Narrator: So he just took Eat and Pray. Eat was easy, although it provided no cosmic answers for him. But it was the part about India that really got to him. And so, like the heroine of Eat, Pray-
Tobias: Wait a minute.
Narrator: Tobias decided to get as far away from his wife as possible.
Narrator & Tobias: And so Tobias found himself booking passage to India.
Quote from Tobias
Lindsay: There's nothing keeping us together. It's time to give up our dreams if they're not working. You know, your acting career, this marriage that everyone thinks is a sham because you're gay.
Tobias: I'm- I'm sorry. Everyone thinks I'm gay?
Lindsay: Well, I mean, it's kind of a running joke in the family. I mean, you know that, right? 'Cause of the misleading way you talk sometimes.
Tobias: You're saying the way I talk makes me sound gay? When in the last year have I said anything remotely-
[11 seconds earlier:]
Tobias: [sings] It's just a phallus...see!
Tobias: misleading? Is this because I want to be an actor and all the leading men in Hollywood are gay?
Lindsay: I don't think that all the leading men in Hollywood are gay.
Tobias: Oh, honey.
Tobias Funke Quotes
Quote from Exit Strategy
Tobias: I'm afraid I might not be able to be deposed either. I got a call out of the blue for a chance to play a very important part in The Prosecution.
Michael: The prosecution called you?
Tobias: I assume it's a CBS procedural. Although they didn't send sides, so I thought I'd trot out a Vagina Monologue, or something else I know. And they did ask for old photos and documents so I went and got these out of the secret room.
Michael: The prosecution is not a TV show. It's clearly somebody in the D.A.'s office trying to get you to flip. These guys will bend the law to enforce the law.
Tobias: Tell me that's not a CBS franchise.
Quote from The Immaculate Election
Narrator: Lindsay was about to find a replacement for Lupe as well.
Lucille: Who is it?
Tobias: [o.s.] [high-pitched voice; British accent] The new housekeeper. The agency sent me over.
Lucille: I'm sorry. I didn't call any-
Tobias: [enters] Oh, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Phyllidia Featherbottom and I can cook and I can clean and I can take care of the little ones. I can also, uh, sing a song or two, if it comes in handy. [sings] When you put a squirt of frosting down your throat Before we take our medications...
Narrator: Tobias had gained access to the studio's wardrobe and makeup department. He was eager to both see his daughter and prove to his wife that he had what it took to be an actor. It was the exact plot of the film Mrs. Doubtfire.
Tobias: In the most delicious way...
Narrator: There was also some Mary Poppins in there.
Lindsay: Let's get this house cleaned.