Barbara: Well, Janine, I must say, I am thoroughly impressed.
Janine: Mm-hmm. Oh! [laughs] Thank you so much. And, guys, we are just getting started. Um, yeah, I've got a killer icebreaker planned.
[aside to camera:]
Janine: Most infamous parties in history? Donner, Boston Tea, and, uh, this one. [chuckles]

Ava: Okay, which one of y'all ordered this big stack of social studies books?
Janine: Ooh! Oh, my goodness, they're only a few years old. Oh, my God, they have Brexit! And the Flint water crisis. And Hamilton.

Melissa: I heard they got a lot of good stuff over there.
Janine: Well, that building was made by the same World War II architect as this one, so can't be that great. [chuckles]

Janine: You know what? No. Guys, it's not that great here. I mean, look, the ceilings are smooth. Isn't that what floors are for? [chuckles]
Barbara: Because they don't have asbestos.
Janine: Ah, they cheaped out on asbestos.
Melissa: Look, Janine, the school's just better, alright? You don't have to lie about it. The cops ain't askin'.

Janine: So, do I have to be that specific about ingredients? I mean, well, I wonder if I could switch it up. I hear cooking's like jazz. [chuckles]
Melissa: No, Dizzy Gillespie. It's not like that. You got to be specific. My sister Kristin Marie used the wrong ingredient making our Nana's signature dish and brought that dish to her wake. I haven't spoken to her since.
Janine: Phew! Well, I may not know about cooking, but I know a thing or two about sisters. [chuckles] [blender whirring] [whirring stops] So does your sister... [whirring resumes] That's really loud. [chuckles] [whirring stops]
Melissa: Alright, you're not getting the hint. Go ahead, finish.
Janine: Hint? Anyway [sighs] my sister and I aren't that close either. I mean, literally. She moved to Colorado because she just couldn't take my mom. I mean, we still talk. Sorry. Garlic, you know, makes you... Makes you cry.
Melissa: Yeah, garlic doesn't do that. Do it like this.
[aside to camera:]
Janine: I know that Melissa's quick to cut people off. She even stopped talking to her hairdresser because he called her Melinda once, but, I mean, her own sister? That's just heartbreaking.

Melissa: You know what? I'm really glad I came by, actually, because you're clearly... You're losing your mind. What, you're l... you're letting cameras in your house. Forgetting you dropped-off food. You know, I thought about giving this crap to my dog, but I love my dog, so...
[aside to camera:]
Janine: I would say that comment was pretty hurtful.
[back:]
Melissa: I couldn't make food that disgusting if I tried.
[aside to camera:]
Janine: That, too.
[back:]
Kristin Marie: Yeah? If you didn't do it, then how else did this gnocchi-shaped Play-Doh end up in my classroom with a note...
Janine: Oh.
Kristin Marie: ...that said, "For my sister"?
Janine: Huh.

Janine: You guys missed a great lunch committee meeting.
Melissa: They don't want teachers there.
Janine: Oh, so they just say "all are welcome" as a formality? Yeah, right. [chuckles] Oh, God. Anyway, someone had to get the scoop on this hot new juice. It's two more ounces than the juice the kids are drinking now and five percent more real juice.
Jacob: That's 10 percent more juice.
Janine: Okay, math!

Janine: Three-ninths is complicated. A little full of itself. It's not my favorite, but some people...

Janine: Whoa, I thought it was just my class. What is going on?
Mr. Johnson: It's this new juice. It's busting their bladders.
Janine: Oh, but that can't be it. I mean, it's only two more ounces.
Gregory: Well, I guess two more ounces adds up to 200 more trips to the bathroom. [toilet flushes]
Janine: Well, this is a good thing because more trips to the bathroom means more liquid flushing through their tiny bodies and cleansing their tiny little cells. Hydration. This is good.
Gregory: Mm. [thud, toilet flushing]
Girl: Uh-oh. I think the bathroom broke.

Janine: [breathing heavily] [sighs] Air is thin up here on the third floor.
Barbara: Mm-hmm.
Janine: Barbara, I owe you an apology just as s-soon as I catch my breath.
Barbara: Mm-hmm.
Janine: [sighs] Thank you.