Gregory: Dad. Hello. Welcome to Abbott.
Martin Eddie: Thank you for having me, son. I'm Lt. Colonel Martin Eddie.
Ava: Ten hut.
Martin Eddie: At ease. Here's my business card. Let me know if you have any landscaping needs. Eddie Lawn and Care can take care of any job during any season.
Ava: Mm. [to Gregory] Don't look at me like that. He gave me his number.
Gregory: Let me get you checked in, and then I'll show you around.
Ava: Your Hotmail account is very brave, Mr. Eddie. I wouldn't trust a landscaper with any other e-mail service. [mouths words to camera]

Ava: You doing your taxes? You know you can claim stray cats as dependents?
Melissa: [scoffs] Taxes. People still doing that? No, I'm trying to crunch the numbers on my fantasy football squad to find out why Mr. Johnson beat me. It was that damn Garoppolo. That's the last time I draft based on hotness. [Mr. Johnson enters and looks in the trash can] What are you doing? You already took that.
Mr. Johnson: Looking for your fantasy football team, 'cause it's trash.
Ava: Well, now you about to face me in the finals, and I do not respect my elders.
Mr. Johnson: [whistling]
Ava: There's only two things I'm scared of... Facing Mr. Johnson and having to kill my granny during the zombie apocalypse.

Jacob: Uh, don't mind us. We're just green-thumbing through Better Hoods and Gardens, looking for ideas.
Gregory: Dad, these are my coworkers, Jacob and Barbara.
Barbara: Mr. Eddie, wonderful to meet you. The caretakers of the flourishing Abbott Elementary Garden welcome you.
Martin Eddie: I could have sworn I saw the plants getting protected from frost using cut two-liter bottles. A classic Eddie family method, except someone improved slightly on the design.
Gregory: Y-You say "improved"?
Jacob: Well, gotta give it up for my girl Barb for that one. Well, that and Sprite.
Barbara: Ah, no, no, Mr. Hill. That was all you, that ingenious invention.
Jacob: No... No, it wasn't. I thought you did it after you put all that mulch in?
Barbara: Huh? Well, what about the cute little labels letting us know what everything is?
Jacob: Not me. I don't know how to write in cursive.

Barbara: Gregory.
Gregory: Hmm?
Barbara: Have you been secretly tending to the garden?
Gregory: Yes. [Barbara gasps]
Jacob: For how long?
Gregory: The entire time.
Barbara: But I planted the daffodils.
Gregory: You did. Just wrong. They were crowding each other out, so I had to replant them.
Martin Eddie: Look at you, showing a little initiative.

Jacob: Well... Well, what about the collard greens I planted?
Gregory: That was spinach, which is not an easy mistake to make.
Martin Eddie: Not tolerating incompetence. I like that.
Gregory: Thank you, Dad.

Barbara: And he has been secretly tending the garden this whole time, like some sort of... plant Santa Claus.
Janine: Like a Planta Claus. [laughs]
Barbara: Uh, Janine, there's a skirmish developing that needs your attention.
Janine: Yes, uh, Zara and Joya? I am aware. It's in process. They weren't getting along earlier, so I made them buddies for the week. Quality time will nurture understanding, and, you know, it'll lead to a beautiful, blossoming flower of a friendship. I say "flower" because we were talking about the garden.
Barbara: I thought it was because you're dressed like a peony.
Janine: Anyway, trust the process. Before you know it, those two will be inseparable, like peas and pods and...

Melissa: I don't know. Some people just hate each other, and that's fine.
Ava: That's right. I don't like Janine, and it's going great.
Mr. Johnson: Well, I'm a pacifist. You mess with me, I'm-a pass a fist across your face.

Ava: It's about the fantasy football championships.
Melissa: Why'd I even ask?
Ava: At the end of his sermon, I heard my pastor say that Christian McCaffrey might not play this weekend. Then he said some nonsense about gambling not being of the Lord, but I was on my way out.
Melissa: McCaffrey is Mr. Johnson's best player.
Ava: Exactly. And if I pick up his backup first, like a Black woman on The Voice, he has no chance of winning.

Ava: Waiver wire opens at 2:00. You distract him, and then I'll pick up McCaffrey's backup.
Melissa: Uh-huh. What's in it for me?
Ava: 4% of my fantasy winnings.
Melissa: 20%, and your shelf in the fridge.
Ava: Damn. That's where I keep my various mustards.

Melissa: Hey, Tasia, come here. Can you do Ms. Schemmenti a favor? Can you take this tub of dirty paint water and empty it out in the sink in the bathroom at the end of the hall?
Tasia: I doubt it, but I'll try. [Tasia starts spilling the water as she walks out] Oh.
[aside to camera:]
Melissa: Operation Splash Interference is in effect.
[back:]
Tasia: Ms. Schemmenti, I spilled all over the bathroom. I'm sorry.
Melissa: You did great, kid.
Ava: [over P.A.] Attention Abbott Custodian, A.K.A. Mr. Johnson. We have a drop and mop. Drop what you're doing and mop. Report to the girls' bathroom at the east end hallway, ASAPington.