Melissa: [as Vito Corleone] You come to my house on the day my doughnut is to be married, and you ask me for a fritter. [normal voice] Only one?
Janine: Yeah.
Melissa: [as the Terminator] You'll be back. [as Forrest Gump] Life is like a box of choc...
Jacob: Melissa, you're bad at impressions! You're...
Melissa: [as the Soup Nazi] No doughnut for you!
Barbara: Okay. Now, that was good.

Jacob: Oh. Whose cat is this?
Mr. Johnson: I don't know, I just found him in here. He won't budge. Think I'll get some bacon from the lunch lady, try to lure him out.
Jacob: Cats are pescatarians!
Mr. Johnson: You're telling me this cat believes in God?
Jacob: What... N... Let me show you how it's done, okay? Come here. Come here little Cinnamon Cupcake Hill.
Mr. Johnson: His name is Milton.
Jacob: Okay. I'm pretty sure nobody would ever name a cat "Milton."

Ava: I see you selling those Wonka Bars. Let me hear your sales pitch.
Henry: Pssh. Do I have to?
Ava: Yes, Bruce Banner in the middle of a transformation, you do.
Henry: Excuse me, sir, ma'am, or otherwise identifying human. Sorry to interrupt your day. My school is raising money to see science. Would you consider buying a chocolate bar?
Ava: Boy, you couldn't sell a scarf to Lenny Kravitz with that pitch. Who taught you to sell like that?
Henry: Mrs. Howard.
Ava: Of course. She's still using the tactics of a man who could turn water into wine and still only had friends.

Ava: Next lesson. Nobody likes to buy things from happy people, so I suggest you come up with an illness for yourself. My go-to is polio.
Barbara: Ava, no.
Ava: Barb, polio is back. Poke yourself in the eyes if you have to. Tears might as well have dollar signs in them. And you're gonna wanna look out for liberal white people.
Jacob: Actually, I consider myself to be a progressive.
Courtney: Is there a difference?
Ava: You'll be able to spot them, because they'll be making this face. If you can't sell candy bars to them, you're unteachable.

Barbara: We did it, Ava!
Ava: And we technically have one more day of fundraising left. We could keep going!
Barbara: No, no, no. I don't wanna push it.
Ava: Oh, come on, Barb! If we expand to a new market and go hard, there's no telling how much we could raise. We might even be able to get a part-time librarian instead of just an Alexa with glasses. Who knows what else!

Jacob: I just don't think you're supposed to give milk to cats.
Mr. Johnson: Every cartoon says you can.
Jacob: Cartoons... Milk propaganda at its finest. Did you put any more thought into getting him microchipped?
Mr. Johnson: Why? So Bill Gates can sign him up for a credit card he doesn't need?

Ava: You got something to say to me, then just say it.
Barbara: I already did.
Ava: Well, if you got something else to say to me, then just say it. But what you not gon' do is give me the cold shoulder in this school that I own.
Barbara: Again, the principal runs the school, does not own the school.

Ava: Barb. Next time I do something to help others, which I'm very good at, I'll make sure to give you the whole story so that you're not surprised.
Barbara: Thank you, Ava.
Ava: Honoring what I just said, I borrowed your school ID to get free pancakes at the Original Hip-Hop House of Pancakes.
They give it to teachers and not principals. Ain't that criminal?

Melissa: Guys! Come get a doughnut. Come on. Get 'em while they're fresh.
Gregory: Surprising no one, I do not like doughnuts, so for that reason, I will decline your offer.
[aside to camera:]
Gregory: I actually love doughnuts. [chuckles]

Young Teacher: Can I grab a doughnut?
Melissa: [as Travis Bickle] You talkin' to me? I... You talkin' to me? Must be talkin' to me. There ain't nobody else here.
Young Teacher: I am talking to you. Can I please have a doughnut?
Melissa: [normal voice] Yeah, go ahead.
[aside to camera:]
Janine: Melissa is [clears throat] bad at impressions.
Jacob: [breathes deeply] And we are scared to tell her.
Janine: [chuckles] We just did impressions of each other.
Jacob: Could you tell? [laughs]