Melissa: This is Candace. She's a friend of my family, and she's a beast in the courtroom. Candace is the reason why Martha Stewart had a window in her cell.

Candace: Melissa briefed me on what's going on, and it sounds like you have a strong enough case to sue these chumps for all they're worth.
Ava: Yes. I knew this principal thing would work out for me one day. Now, how much money are we talking? Like, a foldable stack?
Candace: To be clear, this camera crew trespassed, right?
Ava: Well, actually, I let them in.
Candace: Okay, but they used your likeness without consent.
Janine: Yeah, well, we did sign these.
Candace: Um... but they misrepresented what they were doing?
Gregory: Well, they did say they were coming to get footage of us... which they did.
Janine: Yeah.

Melissa: I did it. I found the dirty rat in charge of Legendary Charters.
Barbara: Melissa Schemmenti comes through again. How'd you do it?
Melissa: Oh, I've got my ways.
[aside to camera:]
Melissa: I Googled it. But I like to maintain that air of dark mystery.

Melissa: Scumbag's name is Draemond Winding. He's a real piece of work. He's a big name in New York charter schools. Now he's got his sights set on Philly.
Jacob: Well, what's our next move? How do we get to this guy?
Melissa: Find his grandma.
Ava: Find his mother's mother.

Jacob: And that's why we're "Ghana" learn about Africa next wee...

Ava: That commercial's got these kids transferring left and right. You know how much paperwork goes into a transfer? I've signed my name, like, six times today. And, what, they just want me to know the date?

Ava: Ugh! I cannot escape that commercial. It's like T-Pain in '08.

Melissa: You know what? Barb doesn't want to help, fine. We have the name and number of Legendary Charters' CEO. I say we just give him a call.
Jacob: E-mails may be Janine's thing, but phone calls are mine.
Ava: He's CEO of a company. He's not gonna just answer an unknown phone call, Scrappy-Doo.
Jacob: Well, then I will leave a voicemail for the ages. [whispers] Someone picked up. [on the phone] Hello? I'd like to speak to Draemond. [whispers] It's him.
Ava: What kind of weirdo answers a random number?
Jacob: Well, this is Jacob Hill, history teacher over at Abbott Elementary. Heard of it? Whenever you want to stop hiding behind your little commercial and come down here... Oh, you will come down here? You've got an opening this afternoon? Well, I don't have my schedule in front of me, but, um, yeah, that could work.
Melissa: Yes.
Jacob: No, I've never considered voice acting. Oh, mezzo-soprano, actually, but that was ages ago. Yeah, maybe I will. [chuckles] Mm-hmm. Okay, buh-bye. [hangs up]
Melissa: What'd he say?
Jacob: That I remind him of a seasoned Timothée Chalamet.

Melissa: I'm surprised you were able to make the time. Shouldn't you be off somewhere shutting down an orphanage?
Draemond: You must be Melissa Schemmenti.
Melissa: Who the hell you think you are, knowing my name?

Melissa: Barb, you taught that doorknob?
Ava: You just a secret Sith, huh?
Barbara: Draemond was in my very first class. Oh, such a beautiful child. He was going through a lot at home. He was so young, and he already felt like the world had turned its back on him. I couldn't let him feel that way.
Ava: Well, he a grown-ass man wearing Florsheims now, so you need to recognize.