Mary: No. Stop it.
Dick: We're not in the office.
Mary: Behave yourself.
Dick: Let's go back in the car.
Mary: No.
Dick: Not in the car, not in the bar, not in the house, not up your blouse. I cannot touch you here or there. I cannot touch you anywhere.

Don: Okay, Mr. Solomon, it's time to finger your perp.
Dick: [points to Mary] Believe me, I've tried, but she just won't let me.

Nina: You know, my heritage happens to be very important to me.
Mary: As it should be. I'm Irish, and I'm very proud of that. And you're what?
Dick: Me? Uh, [stammers] I-I-I'm, uh one of those, uh... You know, one of the really good ones. You're this big anthropologist. You tell me. What am I?
Mary: Certifiable.
Dick: Yes, that's what I am. Certifiable. Certifiable and damn proud of it. As my father was before me and his father before him and his father before him. Certifiable. Of course, we no longer practice.

Harry: I want to make the world a better place. I want to bring mankind the gift of electricity.
Tommy: They have electricity.
Harry: Ah. Then my work is done.

Dick: Tommy, how are you coming along with our histories?
Tommy: Oh, I have them right here. Legal documents, school records, doctored pictures, the works. Dick Solomon, class nerd, held back by a domineering mother, went to work for NASA in '74, but was fired after a minor procurement scandal. Newspaper clippings are enclosed. Major burnout led to a string of second-rate teaching jobs... yada, yada, yada, ending up here.
Dick: Well, this is excellent.
Sally: What about me?
Tommy: Sally. Stockbroker during the greedy '80s. Made and lost several fortunes before psychological problems and gender confusion led to a sex change operation in 1988.
Harry: I'm next.
Tommy: Harry. Harry, you're adopted, but we haven't told you yet.
Harry: Oh, that's gonna hurt.

Dick: Tommy, do you ever doodle?
Tommy: Why? Was I in the bathroom too long?
Dick: I-- I can't doodle.
Tommy: Well, Dick, you're kind of old.
Dick: Old? Picasso doodled on tablecloths late into his 60s.
Tommy: That's disgusting.
Dick: I know. I just can't draw.
Tommy: Oh, doodling! Oh.

Dick: What have you got there, Harry?
Harry: Well, yesterday I was exploring the park, and I found this stone. Look at it. It's been worn to a perfect sphere by the elements and dimpled by time.
Sally: Harry, that's a golf ball.

Dick: It's inexplicable. I, who bestride this world like an intellectual colossus. I, who make lesser men quiver in awe of my cranial prowess. I, who... I've forgotten my point.

Dick: Lieutenant, Information Officer, Transmitter...
Sally, Harry & Tommy: High Commander.
Dick: My family.
Sally: Dick, I'm leaking.
Tommy: [sings] Across the void we come a-warping [Harry joins in] Across the fields of stars we-- Soar
All: [sing] We pledge to land and something-- [humming] Spaceship And when at last our mission's finished In duty homeward shall we fly Our glory cannot be diminished Back to the heavens in our mighty... spaceship

Mary: Dick, I think you've been hiding something from me, and I think you've been hiding it from me for six years.
Dick: Oh, what makes you say that?
Mary: I saw you turn a man into a monkey!
Dick: Actually, it was a chimpanzee. And it never happened.
Mary: That's it! No more covers! No more lies! I don't know who you are! I don't know what you are! All I know is that I- I can't see you anymore. Good-bye, Dick.
Dick: Mary, wait! Okay. [closes door] Look, I've been wanting to tell you this for a long time. This is hard. I want to make sure I say it right.
Mary: It's okay.
Dick: Mary, I'm-- What rhymes with "shmalien"?
Mary: Oh, forget it!
Dick: Mary, I, Dick Solomon, am an alien. From outer space. [collapses]