Dick: Okay, where's my shoes?
Harry: Well, I think I saw one of them... [voice quavers] right over there.
Dick: Oh, my god, it's Harry. His cranial microreceiver, it's activated.
Harry: Transmission incoming from the Big Giant Head. Thank you for calling the Big Giant Head. He cares about you. Your status report was received. Please wait for comments.
Dick: Oh, no, no, no.
Sally: Please, please, no comments.
Harry: There are no comments. Resume normal functions in three, two, one. [sneezes]

Dick: Final exam? Today? I forgot. [giggles] Isn't that a hoot? You see, I didn't make it home last night. I could have, but I was awfully comfortable where I was, in a place that's definitely not home.
Caryn: Dr. Solomon, are you all right?
Dick: I can't talk about it. It's too personal. Let's just say... I had sex with Dr. Albright.
Bug: Oh! Dr. Solomon, we don't need to know about this.
Dick: Oh, that's where you're wrong, Bug. You might learn something. Last night, at 11:22 Eastern Standard Time, my spiritual self, X, and my corporeal self, Y, were fused together for the first time. But let's move on.

Nina: I thought you and Dr. Solomon had a date again tonight.
Mary: We did.
Nina: He stood you up?
Mary: Oh, no, I talked to him. He said he got an upsetting phone call from a friend with a big head. And he didn't think he'd be much fun tonight.
Nina: Oh. Well, my all-time favorite excuse was "I have a terminal illness."
Mary: You actually had that pulled on you?
Nina: Yes, but in all fairness, the guy died.

Harry: You know, if you play "Wichita Lineman" backwards, you get our national anthem.

Dick: What's with Harry?
Tommy: Oh, don't bother him. He's transmitting my status report.
Dick: Status report? To the Big Giant Head? Why should we have to answer to that pencil-pushing desk jockey anyway? Frankly, I don't care what he thinks. What did it say about me?
Harry: Resume normal functions in three, two, one. [belches] What did I miss?

Tommy: Well, I wouldn't sweat it, Dick. You know, the Big Giant Head never reads these things, anyway.
Dick: All right. Perhaps I have been remiss, but mark my words. By the week's end, I will have established an emotional beachhead with Dr. Albright. This I vow.
Sally: Yeah, and Harry's going to win the Nobel prize.
Harry: Well, I'm happy just to be nominated.

Dick: Ah. Smell the spring air. What do you say we have class outside? The world is such a perfect place. What are we doing indoors?
Leon: Dr. Solomon.
Dick: What is it, darling?
Leon: Well, I think we're supposed to be having our final exam. And I'm shooting for a D, so I'll need the full hour.

Nina: So, are you going to be okay?
Mary: Nina, I am at the stage in my life where I refuse to let a man's childish behavior steer me off course. I am taking the high road.
Nina: [scoffs] Yeah? Well, if I were you, I'd go over there and nail his sorry ass to the wall.
Mary: That is the high road.

Dick: So what did you put in the report?
Tommy: Lots of time and effort.
Dick: Come on, read it back.
Tommy: "Dear Big Giant Head, how are you? We're fine. So's the weather." Yada, yada, yada."The mission is taking longer than anticipated. The being designated Sally has bravely infiltrated the female gender. The Harry unit is functioning adequately. The High Commander has squandered six months in the futile pursuit of a single earth woman--"
Dick: Wait, wait! What was that?
Harry: I am functioning adequately.

Dick: That thing about my futile pursuit of Dr. Albright. How could you write this about me?
Tommy: Well, I'm the information officer, Dick. I'm sworn to tell the truth.
Dick: Well, the truth is that through Mary I have explored every facet of the male/female dynamic.
Tommy: Have you established a monogamous relationship with her?
Dick: No.
Sally: Have you bonded emotionally?
Dick: No.
Tommy: Have you had one successful date?
Dick: Well, if by successful you mean pleasant, no.