Sally: What's so funny, Dick?
Evil Dick: I am not Dick. I'm your new High Commander. From this point forward, you will refer to me as such.
Harry: Okay, such. What have you done with Dick?
Evil Dick: That's for me to know and you to find out. There's going to be a lot of changes around here. For instance, from now on, this... [moves garden gnome] goes here. And that's just the first of many... changes.
Harry: Wow, what a black hole.

Tommy: [enters] Dick, I need to talk to you. I have big news.
Dick: Oh, you do? Well, I have big news, too.
Tommy: Can we please just step outside for a minute?
Dick: Oh, all right. Class, while I'm gone, I'd like you to ponder being naked under cool, cool sheets. [both exit] We're leaving?! Noooo!

Sally: I think you'll like this, Dick. The commercial said the extra ingredient is love.
[Dick eats off the spoon and then spits it back out]
Dick: Next time try making the extra ingredient cheese.

Sally: Come on, Dick, I really need to get in there.
Dick: [opens door] I'm sorry. I need to be handsome tonight, and I mean Sears catalog handsome.

Sally: If he wants to get somewhere with her, he should follow my lead. Mr. Randell and I have a dreamy relationship.
Tommy: Yeah, you don't even call him by his first name.
Sally: That's what sophisticated people do on this planet. I realize it's not as romantic as you and August meeting in the lunchroom and sharing your pudding cup.
Tommy: Hey, hey! We were just voted cutest couple, so shut up.

Sally: Well, August sure left early.
Tommy: Yeah, I think after you dumped coffee on her, she got the hint.
Sally: Well, she made a rude comment about my jell-o with cheese.
Tommy: Jell-o with cheese? What kind of woman are you?

Mary: Dick.
Dick: Mary.
Mary: Dick.
Dick: Mary.
Harry: Dick.
Dick: Harry.
Harry: What?

Evil Dick: Mary.
Mary: Is everything all right?
Evil Dick: Oh, everything's perfect. For the last six months, I've been a bumbling fool. As of right now, that's over. I only care about one thing now, and that's pleasure. Yours and mine.
Mary: Oh, please.
Evil Dick: That's good. I like it when they beg.
Mary: How dare you-
Dick: Shh! Let Daddy drive. [kisses Mary]
Mary: [sighs] Wow! [kisses Evil Dick]