Sally: Oh, man! This alien hunting's hard work.
Harry: Mmm. I know. By now I thought we'd have one gutted, skinned, and mounted on a wall.
Sally: Harry, we're not gonna kill them.
Harry: What? You can't mount a live alien on the wall because they...

Dick: Apparently, another man has been sending love letters to Mary. A man named Scoochie. I'm devastated.
Sally: Oh, God, Dick, please do not freak out. I mean, there's no way some dumb letters could affect your relationship with Albright.
Harry: Yeah. Just look at ya. You are a huge catch.
Sally: Huge! [mouths "Huge"]
Dick: Thank you, Harry. Maybe I am overreacting. I- I mean, just listen to this overripe sap. "There is a flower inside me that blooms in your faintest shadow. There is a heart that beats to life in the rocks as you walk above. The trees, the grass the chirping cicadas call out joyously, 'Come to me.' 'Come to me.'"
Harry: [sobbing loudly] I've never been so moved!
Sally: Listen, Dick. Oh, my God. I've never even met this guy, but I would marry him in a New York minute.
Dick: Oh, I know! Even I'm smitten!

Mary: Morning, Dick.
Dick: Mary, yesterday I went through your things, and I found the Scoochie letters. Someone has some explaining to do!
Mary: You went through my things?
Dick: That part doesn't need explaining. How dare you keep love letters from another man?! That part.

Mary: I felt guilty about hiding them from you, but... they're kind of exciting.
Dick: Where is your head, woman? You know nothing about this Scoochie!
Mary: Only that he is an extremely sensitive, incredibly romantic man who makes me feel special!
Dick: "Feel special." That is so ridic- No idea who he is?
Mary: None.
Dick: No idea whatsoever?
Mary: None whatsoever.
Dick: Mary.
Mary: Huh?
Dick: I am Scoochie.

Sally: You know, Annabet, I love these outfits. But as a practical matter, how do you tell who has the biggest boobs?
Annabet: Sally, we are not concerned with such things.
Sally: Huh! I guess I know what you got.

Dick: Well, Mary what do you say we slip back into the tub and... get dirty?
Mary: [chuckles] I haven't had this many showers since I caught lice in the Peace Corps.
Dick: Just glad they left some of you for me to nibble.

Mary: You know what I found particularly intriguing?
Dick: Of course I do.
Mary: It was the suggestion of finally meeting Scoochie at a special rendezvous.
Dick: [chuckles] I thought you would like that. [Mary chuckles] A rendezvous?! Uh, uh, I- I- I wouldn't take that too seriously, Mary. He was probably joking. Scoochie loves to laugh.
Mary: No, no. I was surprised. And titillated. So I RSVP'd with a sexy little note to Scoochie's P.O. box just like he asked.
Dick: Why the hell did you do that?! Uh, I- I- I mean that's 34 cents that we could've spent on... good times.

Delivery Guy: I have a special delivery from a Mr., uh, Scoochie.
Dick: Uh-oh.
Mary: Thank you. [laughs] "Dearest Mary, Your voice is a perfume that fills my lungs. The very wind is jealous." Now, that's more Scoochie's style. "Kindly ignore my last letter."
Dick: What?!
Mary: "And instead, meet me tonight as planned at the Medieval Festival."
Dick: Oh, let me see that! Damn!
Mary: What?
Dick: [stammering] I- I misspelled "Medieval."

Dick: That scent. I know that scent! The letters! Scoochie? I should warn you that I've killed with everything from a steak knife to a penny dropped from a skyscraper. So don't be too brave for your own good!

Dick: No! Scoochie! Reveal yourself! I can't take it anymore!
[The black knight removes his visor to reveal Dr. Liam Neesam]
Mary: Dick? Did you just call him Scoochie?
Dr. Liam Neesam: Dick, it's been a long time.
Dick: Liam! Uh- Uh- Uh, how are you?
Dr. Liam Neesam: Oh, splendid. I, uh, recently won a Probie.
Dick: Uh... Scoochie is from Team X?
Dr. Liam Neesam: Look, I'd love to chat, but there's the small matter of your beheading. Uh, sire?
Dick: No! Thumbs up means that I live.
Dr. Liam Neesam: Well, not where I come from.