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‘Dick Soup for the Soul’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

3rd Rock from the Sun: Dick Soup for the Soul

616. Dick Soup for the Soul

Aired May 1, 2001

Dick is introduced to a self-help book by Mary and Nina. Meanwhile, Sally visits Tommy at college as he attempts to join a fraternity.

Quote from Dick

Dick: What is this obsession with Claire Volk and her signature? It can't be healthy. It can't be healthy!
Mary: Claire Volk's first book taught me to love myself during some really rough times. She's a fully actualized person with so much to share.
Dick: There are two things I'm certain about: she is not fully actualized, and I don't know what that means.
Nina: There isn't a human being alive that couldn't benefit from this book.
Dick: Here, let me see it. A Road Map for Permanent Happiness. I'll give the intro a skim and get back to you with my thoughts. Baloney. Crap. Nonsense. More crap. Interesting. Hmm.
Claire Volk: Next?
Mary: Hi. I'm Mary Albright, and I have been waiting a long time-
Dick: [pushes Mary out of the way] Miss Volk, in the last few feet of this line, you have changed my life forever!
Claire Volk: Would you like me to sign your book?
Dick: Book nothing! Sign my breast! And see if you can use the nipple to dot the "I."

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Quote from Harry

Harry: Well, it's not every day Dick gives me an assignment, and I want to put my heart and soul into it, make it a labor of love.
Nina: Harry, it's a ceiling. Pick a color and slap it on.
Harry: I can't just pick and color! It has to speak to me. It has to reflect the golden rays of sunlight off my Cheerios in the morning. Or stir my interest as I stare up at it while Dick's talking.

Quote from Dick

Dick: Mary, you'll be happy to know that I'm deep into Step 2. I have successfully eliminated all the negative relationships in my life: Judith, Strudwick, the Chancellor. I've even stopped yelling at the little voice that comes out of the clown's head when I'm at the drive-through.

Quote from Mrs. Dubcek

Mrs. Dubcek: Jeez, aren't you done yet?
Harry: Madam, these things take time. Did your reputation as a gin-soaked good-time girl happen overnight?
Mrs. Dubcek: No, it happened over several nights. But it really stuck after that convention.

Quote from Sally

Harry: [on the phone] Come on. I want to hear you say it. Oh, I love you, too. [hangs up]
Sally: Oh, who was that?
Harry: Tommy.
Sally: How's he doing at college?
Harry: Oh, terrible. He said something about a fraternity and being hazed by Greeks, and it's "Hell Week". He doesn't know if he's gonna make it.
Sally: Hell Week? He could be in mortal danger.
Dick: [enters] Family meeting! Family meeting!
Sally: I got to get to Tommy's school. He could be dead already.
Dick: Now? But I want to show you my new book.
Sally: Listen to me, I will do anything to keep Tommy or any member of this family from being killed, even if it means killing you or any member of this family!

Quote from Dick

Dick: Harry... all through our tumultuous existence on this planet, we have been enslaved by our negative emotions.
Harry: That's so true. I got to run.
Dick: Ah, no- Are you happy?
Harry: Yeah.
Dick: Really happy?
Harry: Yeah.
Dick: Really, really, really happy?
Harry: No.
Dick: With this book, we are going to master our emotions. No more ups and downs, only ups. From now on, the quest for perma-happiness must be our first and our only priority. Calm, calm, happy, happy.
Mrs. Dubcek: Okay, I paid to get that leak in the kitchen roof fixed. Now, one of you got to go up and paint the ceiling, or I'm keeping your security deposit.
Dick: Okay, Harry, you paint the ceiling. I'll get happy for both of us.

Quote from Sally

Tommy: Sally, this place has the best parties, the nicest girls, and some of the skankiest girls. Which is why the frat brothers are putting us through a series of tests... to make sure none of the weenie geeks get in.
Sally: Oh, I see. So you're worried, 'cause you're a weenie geek.
Tommy: No. I merely have some concerns that the frat selection process might not be scientific. I just wish I knew what the pledge master has planned.
Sally: Tommy, you know, I might be able to help you here. As it happens, I'm not just a master of escape, but I am also a master of getting into places and... sneakily secret finding.
Tommy: Infiltration.
Sally: Thank you. Infiltration. Oh, yeah, you're not a geek.

Quote from Dick

Mary: Oh, Dick, I can't believe how into this book you are. It's wonderful. I am so proud of you.
Dick: Oh, thank you, Mary. Claire Volk says that I don't need any affirmation but my own, so I'm gonna pretend that I said that. [Mary chuckles] So, the book says that Step 1 to perma-happiness is the forgiveness ceremony, so-
Mary: Should I go first?
Dick: No, no, no. I've been saving up. I forgive Nina for eating my lunch today.
Mary: Dick, Nina did that because you ate her lunch.
Dick: Mary, is this a forgiveness ceremony or a who-ate-Nina's-lunch inquisition?

Quote from Dick

Dick: Come on. Your turn.
Mary: I forgive the world for its capricious-
Dick: Oh, that makes me think of one.
Mary: No, you didn't let me finish.
Dick: Forgive me?
Mary: Yes, but you-
Dick: Okay, then it's my turn again. I forgive the world for its capricious... What were you gonna put on the end of that, Mary?
Mary: Oh, Dick, maybe we should do this thing separately. The things I'm trying to forgive are snowballing on me here.
Dick: But, Mary, I was gonna forgive you for snoring, for chewing with your mouth open, and for a loud phone voice. Are you sure you want to miss all that?

Quote from Harry

Nina: Hey, Harry. Here's the paint and brushes from when you were supposed to help me paint my apartment.
Harry: Thanks for hurrying over to help me, Nina.
Nina: Help nothing. I came to get my hundred bucks back from when you were supposed to help me paint my apartment.
Harry: Yeah. How'd that go?
Nina: Well, actually, you never even showed-
Harry: You know what, I don't have time for this. I got a ceiling to paint, so either pay me the hundred bucks you owe me, or get out.

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