Dick: What is this obsession with Claire Volk and her signature? It can't be healthy. It can't be healthy!
Mary: Claire Volk's first book taught me to love myself during some really rough times. She's a fully actualized person with so much to share.
Dick: There are two things I'm certain about: she is not fully actualized, and I don't know what that means.
Nina: There isn't a human being alive that couldn't benefit from this book.
Dick: Here, let me see it. A Road Map for Permanent Happiness. I'll give the intro a skim and get back to you with my thoughts. Baloney. Crap. Nonsense. More crap. Interesting. Hmm.
Claire Volk: Next?
Mary: Hi. I'm Mary Albright, and I have been waiting a long time-
Dick: [pushes Mary out of the way] Miss Volk, in the last few feet of this line, you have changed my life forever!
Claire Volk: Would you like me to sign your book?
Dick: Book nothing! Sign my breast! And see if you can use the nipple to dot the "I."

Harry: Well, it's not every day Dick gives me an assignment, and I want to put my heart and soul into it, make it a labor of love.
Nina: Harry, it's a ceiling. Pick a color and slap it on.
Harry: I can't just pick and color! It has to speak to me. It has to reflect the golden rays of sunlight off my Cheerios in the morning. Or stir my interest as I stare up at it while Dick's talking.

Dick: Mary, you'll be happy to know that I'm deep into Step 2. I have successfully eliminated all the negative relationships in my life: Judith, Strudwick, the Chancellor. I've even stopped yelling at the little voice that comes out of the clown's head when I'm at the drive-through.

Mrs. Dubcek: Jeez, aren't you done yet?
Harry: Madam, these things take time. Did your reputation as a gin-soaked good-time girl happen overnight?
Mrs. Dubcek: No, it happened over several nights. But it really stuck after that convention.

Harry: [on the phone] Come on. I want to hear you say it. Oh, I love you, too. [hangs up]
Sally: Oh, who was that?
Harry: Tommy.
Sally: How's he doing at college?
Harry: Oh, terrible. He said something about a fraternity and being hazed by Greeks, and it's "Hell Week". He doesn't know if he's gonna make it.
Sally: Hell Week? He could be in mortal danger.
Dick: [enters] Family meeting! Family meeting!
Sally: I got to get to Tommy's school. He could be dead already.
Dick: Now? But I want to show you my new book.
Sally: Listen to me, I will do anything to keep Tommy or any member of this family from being killed, even if it means killing you or any member of this family!

Dick: Harry... all through our tumultuous existence on this planet, we have been enslaved by our negative emotions.
Harry: That's so true. I got to run.
Dick: Ah, no- Are you happy?
Harry: Yeah.
Dick: Really happy?
Harry: Yeah.
Dick: Really, really, really happy?
Harry: No.
Dick: With this book, we are going to master our emotions. No more ups and downs, only ups. From now on, the quest for perma-happiness must be our first and our only priority. Calm, calm, happy, happy.
Mrs. Dubcek: Okay, I paid to get that leak in the kitchen roof fixed. Now, one of you got to go up and paint the ceiling, or I'm keeping your security deposit.
Dick: Okay, Harry, you paint the ceiling. I'll get happy for both of us.

Tommy: Sally, this place has the best parties, the nicest girls, and some of the skankiest girls. Which is why the frat brothers are putting us through a series of tests... to make sure none of the weenie geeks get in.
Sally: Oh, I see. So you're worried, 'cause you're a weenie geek.
Tommy: No. I merely have some concerns that the frat selection process might not be scientific. I just wish I knew what the pledge master has planned.
Sally: Tommy, you know, I might be able to help you here. As it happens, I'm not just a master of escape, but I am also a master of getting into places and... sneakily secret finding.
Tommy: Infiltration.
Sally: Thank you. Infiltration. Oh, yeah, you're not a geek.

Mary: Oh, Dick, I can't believe how into this book you are. It's wonderful. I am so proud of you.
Dick: Oh, thank you, Mary. Claire Volk says that I don't need any affirmation but my own, so I'm gonna pretend that I said that. [Mary chuckles] So, the book says that Step 1 to perma-happiness is the forgiveness ceremony, so-
Mary: Should I go first?
Dick: No, no, no. I've been saving up. I forgive Nina for eating my lunch today.
Mary: Dick, Nina did that because you ate her lunch.
Dick: Mary, is this a forgiveness ceremony or a who-ate-Nina's-lunch inquisition?

Dick: Come on. Your turn.
Mary: I forgive the world for its capricious-
Dick: Oh, that makes me think of one.
Mary: No, you didn't let me finish.
Dick: Forgive me?
Mary: Yes, but you-
Dick: Okay, then it's my turn again. I forgive the world for its capricious... What were you gonna put on the end of that, Mary?
Mary: Oh, Dick, maybe we should do this thing separately. The things I'm trying to forgive are snowballing on me here.
Dick: But, Mary, I was gonna forgive you for snoring, for chewing with your mouth open, and for a loud phone voice. Are you sure you want to miss all that?

Nina: Hey, Harry. Here's the paint and brushes from when you were supposed to help me paint my apartment.
Harry: Thanks for hurrying over to help me, Nina.
Nina: Help nothing. I came to get my hundred bucks back from when you were supposed to help me paint my apartment.
Harry: Yeah. How'd that go?
Nina: Well, actually, you never even showed-
Harry: You know what, I don't have time for this. I got a ceiling to paint, so either pay me the hundred bucks you owe me, or get out.