Don: So I said to the burglar, "Not your pants, the gun!" The gun! [laughter] Oh, that- that didn't really happen.

Sally: So, uh, you ready to rock my world?
Don: Well, you're-- [clears throat] Definitely in for a jostle.
Sally: What are you doing?
Don: I'm- I'm taking off my clothes.
Sally: Oh, right. Yes! Let's get naked. That's brilliant! This is gonna be great, isn't it? I think I'm gonna like it.
Don: Well, good.
Sally: And- And even if I don't, it won't last that long, right?
Don: Well, Sally, I, uh... No.
Sally: Good.
Don: Uh, Sally, uh, if there's anything in particular that you would like, I'd be more than happy to oblige.
Sally: Oh, are you kidding? There's- There's lots of stuff I like. I mean, there's that whole... the famous, uh, triple... I'll be right back!

Mrs. Dubcek: [sings] In-a-gadda-Da-Vida [humming] [lights cigarette] Oh, hell, this is cilantro. Mmm. It's not bad, though. Beats the hell outta basil.

Sally: Hey, Tommy. What do you got?
Tommy: They had some really nice snapper.
Sally: Oh, great!
Tommy: I gotta say I feel liberated not having to sneak around all the time. It's just so nice being able to wear my apron out in the open.

Dick: Oh, come on. It's not a big deal. Anyway, I've had more important things on my mind. This weekend, Mary and I are celebrating our anniversary.
Sally: Anniversary of what?
Dick: The second anniversary of our first real date and its real-date consequences. Infer at will.
Harry: Oh, ugh.
Sally: My God, she's not even your girlfriend.
Dick: Well, we don't choose to restrict ourselves with terms like girlfriend and boyfriend. We don't corral our emotions. No, we let them run free on the open plains of ambiguity.
Tommy: So Mary won't let you call her your girlfriend.
Dick: She prefers that I don't.

Dick: Oh, you're in a good mood.
Mary: I am.
Dick: Would it have anything to do with a certain special day?
Mary: Of course. It is the most fantastic day of the year.
Dick: Oh, I couldn't agree more. In fact, I'm throwing a little party for us to celebrate it.
Mary: Great.
Dick: Nina, do you have any plans for Saturday night?
Nina: Oh, I have a concert.
Dick: Oh, terrific. That spares me the awkwardness of not inviting you.

Sally: Hey, you guys! Big news. Don and I were seeing a movie...
Don: Uh, Sally?
Sally: And old Donny here got to second base. That's up my shirt!
Tommy: Donny, good for you!
Harry: Way to go!
Dick: Oh, hey, Don, you should see them in the light.
Don: [imitates radio call] Roger. I- I gotta go. I'm working on a pair of hot tips. And- a firm bust. A big- big bust. There's been a murder! [runs out]
Sally: Bye, Mr. Happy Hands.

August: Tommy?
Tommy: Who disturbs me?
August: Why weren't you in school today? Were you sick or something?
Tommy: Yes. Sick over the lack of fresh rapini greens in this cursed town.
August: How did you learn to cook?
Tommy: I should just as soon ask, "how did you learn to breathe?" Now stir this creme fraiche.
August: For how long?
Tommy: Until your arm falls off.

Harry: Oh, Vicki.
Vicki Dubcek: Wow. Everybody looks so nice. I feel like I'm at the track.

Don: So the thieves drove off, and his wooden leg was still in the car! [laughter]