‘Eat, Drink, Dick, Mary’
Season 3, Episode 27 - Aired May 20, 1998
The Solomons are shocked to learn that Tommy has been hiding a talent for cooking. Dick plans an anniversary party for Mary even though they're no longer together. Sally decides she's ready to sleep with Don. Meanwhile, Vicki's ex-boyfriend, Randy (Phil Hartman), follows her as she returns to Rutherford.
Quote from Harry
Mrs. Dubcek: Hi, hi, hi. Vicki, these just came for you.
Vicki Dubcek: Oh, my. Honey, you shouldn't have.
Harry: Oh, gee.
Vicki Dubcek: Look, there's a card.
Harry: Oh, gee.
Vicki Dubcek: "I will never stop loving you. Love, Randy."
Harry: Oh, gee.
Mrs. Dubcek: This came for you, too, Harry.
Harry: Oh. "Harry, watch your back, Randy." Well, that's just good advice.
Quote from Dick
Dick: [clinks glass] Everybody. Everybody. First, I'd like to thank you all for coming to our little fete. Today we celebrate the defining moment of my life. And I know I speak for Mary when I say that she feels the same way. Happy anniversary, darling.
Mary: Aw. Excuse me?
Dick: Happy anniversary. To us. Don't you remember?
Sally: Uh-oh.
Dick: Two years ago this night, I irrevocably gave you my heart and my body. But apparently that means nothing to you.
Mary: No, now I remember! [laughs] Happy anniversary, Dick.
Tommy: Who has room for kiwi tarts?
Dick: I don't! [drops glass] [grabs a tart] [exits]
Quote from Don
Sally: [bangs on door] Open the door, Dick.
Don: Sally, maybe Dick needs some time to cool off.
Sally: I know, but my bedroom's through his.
Don: Can't it wait?
Sally: Yeah, I guess it can. I just thought we could have sex now.
Don: [knocks on door] Dick! Dick, I'm gonna count to three, and then I'm blowing the locks off!
Quote from Tommy
August: It's cold, but the sauce is so delicious. What do you put in it?
Tommy: You think I'm going to share my secret recipe with you? Would I make a confidante of my pot scrubber? I think not!
Quote from Dick
Dick: My family was right. We don't have a real relationship.
Mary: Dick, you're overreacting.
Dick: Oh, am I? Do you know what I went through to make this evening special for us? The planning? The preparation? Do you think this ensemble just threw itself together?
Mary: What do you want me to say?
Dick: What I want is for you to say you're sorry.
Mary: Fine. I'm sorry.
Dick: Oh, and that's supposed to just magically make it all better? You're sorry?!
Mary: Look, Dick, there have been plenty of times when you have done stupid and insensitive things.
Dick: Aha! So you admit that what you did was stupid and insensitive.
Mary: Fine.
Dick: Something I might do.
Mary: What are you getting at?
Dick: For the first time, Mary, you are just as stupid and insensitive as I am!
Mary: Okay. We're equally dumb. Happy, Dick?
Dick: Well, happi...er.
Quote from Tommy
August: I've been watching you all night. And you're a genius. My genius. I'm hungry for you, Tommy. And I know you hunger for me. Oh, Tommy! [they embrace]
Tommy: Oh, August. [timer dings] Oh, wait. My souffle.
August: Oh, Tommy, Tommy! Let it burn.
Tommy: [slams oven door] You don't understand me at all. Get out of my kitchen!
August: You chefs are all alike.
Tommy: Eh.
Quote from Sally
Vicki Dubcek: So, you mean he's willing to do whatever you want?
Sally: Yeah, but I just don't know what to ask him for.
Vicki Dubcek: Whoa! That's what we call a high-class problem.
Sally: It is?
Vicki Dubcek: Look, it all depends on your mood, you know? Are you feeling naughty? Saucy? Rambunctious?
Sally: Actually, I'm feeling a little gassy.
Harry: Well, then get the hell out of our room!
Quote from Harry
Harry: Can I help you?
Randy: Huh?
Harry: Can I help you?
Randy: Yeah. I'm lookin' for a scrawny little runt.
Harry: Oh. Well, there are a few of those around here.
Randy: Well, this guy better look out. Oh, yeah! 'Cause I'm a bad, bad apple and I'm rotten to the core.
Harry: Noted.
Randy: You note it good, baby, 'cause Randy doesn't like it when people get in his way. I'm gonna find this guy. Oh, yeah! And when I do, I'm gonna put a hurt on him and leave this note.
Harry: "Dear Vicki, I came to reclaim you. Oh, yeah!" "I also intend to kidnap Harry." You know, I don't really feel comfortable reading other people's mail.
Randy: [chuckles] I think you're Harry.
Harry: Well, I think you're Harry.
Quote from Tommy
Vicki Dubcek: Help! Help!
Dick: What's going on?
Vicki Dubcek: Randy took my Harry!
Sally: What? Who took Harry?
Tommy: Who in Jehovah's name poked my souffle?!
Quote from Harry
Randy: You picked the wrong guy to mess with, Harry. Oh, yeah! I was born with teeth, baby!
[Harry sneezes and the tape flies off his mouth]
Harry: I'm sorry. Do you have any more tape?
Randy: No.
Harry: Do you want me to try and put this piece back on?
Randy: Put a sock in your blow-hole, Shamu!
Harry: I'm sorry, Randy. It's just that I'm not used to- [voice quavers] Incoming message from the Big Giant Head.
Randy: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you goin' Hulk on me?!
Harry: Due to your High Commander's failure to submit your report in a timely manner, your interplanetary mission is now subject to audit.
Randy: What the hell?
Harry: Remember, your human bodies are property of the Big Giant Head and can be revoked at any time.
Randy: Hot diggity damn! This ain't no normal runt. I got me a bona fide freak! There could be money in this! Oh, yeah!