Nina: What do you think you're doing?
Dick: Smoking.
Nina: Please don't smoke in front of me. I just quit a year ago.
Dick: Oh, you poor, misguided girl. Don't you miss it? The first cool drag in the morning, a relaxing smoke on the roof on a warm summer night. And if I ever have sex, I think I'm going to smoke afterwards.
Nina: Have you ever read the warning on the side of the pack?
Dick: Well, I'm not a fetus.
Nina: Those things will take 10 years off your life.
Dick: Yes, but that's off the end of your life, and those years are crappy anyway.
Nina: Well, there happens to be a policy here. Cigarettes are only allowed in university-sanctioned smoking zones. Take it outside.
Dick: All right, if you're going to be a big fetus about it.

Harry: Well, what are we supposed to do? Dick is always here.
Sally: Wait a minute. Of course. This is a test.
Tommy: What?
Harry: For the next 60 seconds, she's going to emit a high-pitched tone.

Sally: Oh, I'm ready to take responsibility. Believe me, I can handle responsibility. No problem. Tommy, I'm hereby placing you under house arrest.
Ms. Koppel: Well, I just thought counseling-
Sally: Your rations will be cut in half. You will report to calisthenics at 0500, sharp.
Tommy: Could I be placed in a foster home or something?
Sally: I'm his mother. I'll handle him.
Ms. Koppel: I thought you were his sister.
Sally: Sister, mother, whatever.
Tommy: I think you're actually my aunt.
Harry: In our family, it's kind of hard to tell.

Sally: This popcorn kernel is driving me crazy.
Mrs. Dubcek: [smoking a cigarette] Oh, honey, don't put your hand in your mouth. It's so unbecoming.

Dick: Super combo number one.
Sally: Super combo number four.
Tommy: The fun-tastic goofy meal number two. [off Dick's look] You heard me.
Dick: Earth just doesn't get any better than this. Dinner and a movie.
Sally: Ooh, let's see this one. Four stars, two thumbs. "A sweeping drama, one of the year's most intellectually stimulating cinematic accomplishments."
Dick: No.
Tommy: Chick flick.
Harry: How are your chicken crunchies today?
Sally: Harry, we don't have all day. He'll have the super combo number two.

Dick: Everybody just sit down. This is supposed to be fun. Here, Sally, have some popcorn.
Sally: I didn't want popcorn. I wanted Good & Plentys.
Dick: Well, when you're High Commander, you can be in charge of the movie treats.
Sally: I will.
Dick: Bully for you.
Woman: Shh!
Dick: Excuse me, we're talking here!

Sally: [groans] Aah!
Harry: Ahh... I'm sorry, I thought we were singing.
Sally: This popcorn kernel is agony. God, I feel like sticking my head in a microwave to pop it out.
Harry: Just make sure that you poke holes in your head with a fork first.

Pitman: Oh, man, Solomon's here.
Bug: Don't look, he might come over. Does he see us?
Leon: I'll check.
Dick: Leon! What a happy accident. Now we can spend the evening getting to know each other better. Please, continue with your conversation.
Leon: We can't. We were talking about you.

Dick: Pitman.
Pitman: What?
Dick: You look different. I don't know what it is. Suddenly you look so - I've never used this word - cool.
Pitman: Really? I've been- [lowers cigarette]
Dick: Now it's gone. [Pitman raises the cigarette back to his mouth] Now it's back. [Pitman blows smoke] Now there's an air of sophistication. Somehow that fiery tube has mitigated your oafishness. May I? [takes Pitman's cigarette and takes a drag]
Pitman: Oh. You can keep it.
Dick: Thank you. [coughs] Oh. An added bonus.

Sally: Well, Dick, my life is hell. I hope you're happy.
Dick: Oh, you betcha. It's like I'm feeling my lungs for the first time.
Mrs. Dubcek: It's so nice to have a tenant who smokes. So many people are giving it up. It just breaks my heart.