Dick: We have to try to assume the roles of a regular human family. Since Tommy's the adolescent, he'll have to go to school. And you will explore the lifestyle of a young adult woman. And I, as the benevolent father figure, will provide the major source of income and give you cute nicknames.
Harry: Dick?
Dick: What is it, kitten?
Harry: What's my role in the family?
Dick: Harry, we've been through this. You're the brother who tries hard but still doesn't have the nerve to move out on his own, but we love your pluck and determination.
Harry: But I can do more.
Dick: You see? That's the pluck that we love. Now, let's just be the warm human family that we are.

Dick: [opens car door for Sally] After you.
Sally: Why are you doing that?
Dick: I've seen men do it all the time. Apparently, women don't know how to operate doors.
Sally: Well, I do. [closes door]

Sally: You're acting as if I can't make decisions for myself. I am second in command.
Dick: Well, one of us has to experience sex, and I'm getting nowhere with her. [points to Mary]
Sally: Well, why didn't you say so? I mean, if sex is so important, you and I could do it right here on the desk, get it out of the way.
Mary: Okay, I'll leave you Clampetts alone to your banjo lesson.

Dick: Well, if it isn't our proud little student. What did you learn on your first day?
Tommy: I'm wearing the wrong kind of sneakers, and girls only like seniors, and, man, you can't compliment anybody in the shower.
Dick: You see, and you thought you knew everything.

Dick: Okay, Harry, you're Brad, and the two of you are at a romantic restaurant. Here. Okay, now go ahead.
Sally: I don't know what to do.
Dick: Gaze into his eyes the way Dr. Albright gazes into mine. You know... That's perfect. Now, break the ice by telling him something personal about yourself.
Sally: Well, uh, Brad once every lunar cycle, my uterine lining sloughs itself, thereby...
Harry: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Dick: Oh, oh! That may be too personal.
Sally: Well, it does. I mean, one minute, I'm fine. The next, my uterus starts throbbing...

Coach: Come on. Let's keep it moving, Solomon. Climb the rope.
Tommy: Uh, yeah. What's at the top of the rope?
Coach: Your self-respect is at the top of the rope.
Tommy: Uh, all right, run this by me again. I climb up there, and then I...?
Coach: You climb down!
Tommy: And this gives me self-respect, uh, because...?
Coach: Look, you don't want to climb the rope, you can go sit over there with the girls.
Tommy: So, if I don't climb the rope, then I sit with the girls.
Coach: That's right.
Tommy: Now, help me out here 'cause I'm not seeing the downside.

Harry: Orange juice. [drinks] Ah! Nontoxic. Tabasco. [drinks] Ah! [clenched teeth] Also nontoxic.

Sally: He said he'd call.
Dick: Yes, I know.
Sally: He promised. He said he'd call.
Dick: Well, that changes everything.
Sally: Oh, God. Dick, I can take more pain than the rest of you put together, but right now I just feel so... icky. Damn it, Dick, give me some pain I can define.
Dick: I am not going to jam your hand in the toaster again.
Sally: You just can't imagine what it feels like, Dick. It's like he reached in, and pulled all the bones out of my body. [sobs]
Dick: My god! What are you doing?
Sally: Apparently, I'm leaking.
Dick: Well, stop it!
Sally: All right, commander. [stifled sobs]

Dick: Maybe he can't call. Maybe his phone is out. Maybe he injured himself running with scissors or used a dry cleaning bag as a toy.

Tommy: Oh, Dad!
Dick: Now what is it?
Tommy: My teachers want to talk to you about my attitude, as if I have an attitude. [scoffs]
Dick: Oh, this is just perfect. I try to mold us into a family that will blend in, and what do I get? A surly teenager, a sister obsessed with a man, and a brother who drinks too much. Is there another family in the whole world like this? I don't think so. Frankly, I can't take it anymore.
Tommy: Me, neither. I'm outta here.
Sally: I have got to find out what happened to Brad.
Harry: "Induce vomiting." There's an idea.
Dick: If anybody needs me, I'll be in the garage putting up peg board.