Tommy: Okay, mission statement.
Harry: Mission statement.
Tommy: What is our mission?
Harry: Well, you know, I always remember it by our mission song.
Tommy: Oh, right, right.
Harry: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [sings] Across the void we come a-warping... dum diddle dee lee ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh...
Tommy: [sings] Glorious and something something... dum diddle dee lee yadda yadda... spaceship!

Harry: So, uh, what is this thing you're going to, anyway?
Dick: It's a charity auction.
Tommy: And what's charity, again?
Dick: Well, all I know is they're giving out free drinks and paddles with numbers on them.
Harry: Well, I guess that's what charity's all about, getting liquored up and spanking your neighbor.

Dick: "Dear friend of the environment." Great. All of a sudden, every charity in the world is asking me for money.
Mary: Well, once you get on one charity's mailing list, you're on them all.
Dick: Yeah, but, how are you supposed to judge who gets priority? Do I adopt a fruit bat, save the rain forest, or build shelters for America's homeless?
Mary: You just help the ones you can, Dick.
Dick: Yeah, but why me? Why can't they just help each other?
Mary: And how would they do that?
Dick: Simple. The rainforest guys cut down the jungle to build affordable housing, America's homeless moves in, and once they get settled, they'll be happy to open their homes to fruit bats. It's not rocket science.
Mary: That's not how it works.
Dick: Oh, I know how it works. I fork over $1,700, and all I get is a painting of two monks and a shovel. The guy couldn't even paint hands. They look like potatoes. I want my money back!

Dick: Let me get right to it. Last night, I couldn't sleep knowing that I had taken from you a painting that is near and dear to your heart. That's why I'm willing to let you have it-
Strudwick: I don't want it.
Dick: You didn't let me finish. That's why I'm willing to let you have it for, say, $900.
Strudwick: Forget it. I never wanted that piece of crap, anyway.
Dick: Oh, really? Then why did you bid on it like a young lion in springtime?
Strudwick: To drive up the price and piss you off.
Dick: Well, it didn't work!

Harry: It's so hard to keep track of all this.
Dick: I know, don't we have it all written down someplace?
Tommy: Yeah, it's all in the mission statement.
Dick: Where is that thing, anyway?
Tommy: Well, if anybody's wondering, I didn't leave it on the bus.
Dick: Well, we can't be on a mission without a mission statement. You guys are gonna have to write up a new one.
Tommy: What? Why us?
Dick: Because subordinates must do whatever the High Commander says.
Harry: Boy, that reminds me of a mission statement I once read on a bus.

Mary: Oh, before we auction off our next item, let's all give a huge round of applause to the man who is responsible for this charity, Father Matthew of the Rutherford Boys' Home. Father Matthew!
Dick: Nobody ever claps like that for me.
Strudwick: Maybe if you opened your wallet, you cheap bastard.

Tommy: Well, maybe if we constrict the airflow to her nostrils.
Harry: Yeah.
[Sally snores through her mouth]
Harry: Uh, better do the mouth, too.
Tommy: Okay. Yeah. I'll just... [holds a cushion to Sally's face] All right!
Harry: Yeah! Sometimes, the most obvious solution is the most brilliant.
Tommy: Yeah. No more snoring, and she gets all the oxygen she needs through her, uh... Wait, where's the third intake again?
Harry: The gills?
[Tommy removes the cushion in a panic.]

Auctioneer: 7's good. Now, do I hear 8? Anyone?
Strudwick: $800.
Dick: Strudwick!
Auctioneer: You're not gonna let him walk away with this little beauty for 8, are you?
Dick: I should say not. $900. Top that, Strudwick.
Strudwick: $1,000.
Dick: Oh, that is more.
Strudwick: You're out of your league, Solomon.
Dick: Am I? $1,100.
Strudwick: 12.
Dick: $1201.
Strudwick: 13.
Dick: 14.
Strudwick: 15.
Dick: 16. [whooping] $17.
Auctioneer: $1,700. You're not gonna let him have it for $1,700, are you?
Strudwick: Yes.

Don: I'd really better get some sleep.
Sally: Okay, I'll go brush my teeth.
Don: Well, actually, Sally, I think I should sleep alone tonight.
Sally: Why?
Don: Because I might get called out to a 480 at the 212.
Sally: A fire at the fire department?

Dick: "There are some things in life money can't buy. For everything else, there's this mission statement." Did you guys just get bored and start watching television?
Tommy: No.
Harry: Yeah.