Oscar: Jim, what are you doing?
Jim: Oh, it's a commercial break so I just wanted to check the scores.
Oscar: Flip it back please.
Jim: Okay...
Kelly: The show's back on, what happened?
Ryan: We were behind.
Oscar: Go to the recorded version.
Kelly: Oh my God, what song was that?
Erin: I wasn't recording it.
Oscar: What?!
Kelly: [texting] What song was it?
Erin: Wait, why do you have to record it?
Oscar: Right now is why Erin! We're living it! Start recording now!

Andy: Ladies and gentlemen please welcome, Phyllis Vance! [sniffs her] Isn't that White Diamonds Maya Smith Taylor?
Phyllis: You know your perfumes!
Andy: My nanny used to wear that.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: I just ate powdered seahorse! I have to admit I did not think it was gonna work, but it is totally working! I feel exactly like a seahorse! [Seahorse impression] Blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub.

Pam: It's a miracle. She loves him.
Jim: I don't know about, love...
Dwight K. Schrute: She loves me.
Angela: [whispering in Dwight's ear] Outside my car in two minutes.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well something's come up, I have to go.

Dwight K. Schrute: I have something to do.
Pam: I know what you have to do, please stay with Cece. Dwight? I've always considered for us to be very good friends. Great friends! Remember your concussion?
Dwight K. Schrute: I do. But you married my worst enemy.
Jim: Well, I think enemy's a strong word. 'Cause I think we have a really charming back and forth. And-
Dwight K. Schrute: Enough. I will require beer and pizza to think this over.

Andy: Hey, Creed, do you read Chinese?
Creed: Better than English.
Andy: What does this say?
Creed: "Wah doo zheng hua doo peng yo, nee how"

Dwight K. Schrute: Insert it in my mouth.
Jim: That's not gonna make your pizza eating experience any better. Trust me.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, try me.
Pam: Jim, just don't think of it as degrading. Think of it as, you happen to be moving the pizza six inches his way and he happens to be biting it.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'd prefer for him to think of it as degrading.
Jim: Okay. [puts pizza into Dwight's mouth]
Dwight K. Schrute: No. Crust first. Okay, now the beer. Beer me, Jim. Ssss. Gentle. Now, I've gotta go meet Angela.
Pam: What? No, wait! You said you were gonna help us!
Dwight K. Schrute: I have a legal obligation to Angela. Okay, she needs to be serviced.
Jim: You need to stop talking.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, come on. Stop the fake prissy act. We're in the real world. Sex contracts exist!

Pam: I will go talk to Angela.
Dwight K. Schrute: She's in heat. She will eat your face off!

Phyllis: Erin! Um, so how long have you two been going out now?
Erin: Oh, um, like three months.
Phyllis: And I imagine things are starting to heat up?
Erin: I don't know.
Phyllis: Of course you don't wanna rush things. I mean, the anticipation can be so exquisite. Bob and I took our time. The first time we saw each other naked we didn't even make love, we just stared at each other until we fell asleep. It was magical.
Erin: I have to go, Phyllis.
Phyllis: Magical!

Pam: Hey, in there. It's Pam. It's not Dwight! Don't think it's Dwight!
Angela: What are you doing here?
Pam: I know you and Dwight have this weird deal, um, he sent me out here to see if you could postpone.
Angela: Are you authorized to do this?
Pam: Yes! I have been so authorized.
Angela: Okay. Well, um, then tell him that we'll do this tomorrow night instead.
Pam: Okay.
Angela: Wait, Pam. Pam. How did he seem? Like, you know, did he seem disappointed?
Pam: You know, there are a lot of guys out there who would just love and appreciate a-
Angela: You know what Pam just save it.

Erin: You did this?
Michael Scott: No, I was just check- Yes. Yes, I did. Yeah, yeah.
Erin: Why don't you like him?
Michael Scott: What is there to like? He's just- He's a weird, little skeevy guy with no waist. Why do you care whether we like him or not?
Erin: I care if you like him.
Michael Scott: Why? I'm not your father. [Erin looks sad] ... All right.
Erin: Okay.
Michael Scott: Go to your room.
Erin: What? [confused]
Michael Scott: Go to your room young lady!
Erin: Um, I'm not going to my room.
Michael Scott: You listen to me. You listen good. You are are not, to see that boy, anymore.
Erin: You listen to me. You are not to tell me what to do.
Michael Scott: As long as you are living under this roof you are going to do what I say.
Erin: I hate your roof!
Michael Scott: Oh, do not raise your voice to me!
Erin: I'll raise it how I want! I'll raise the roof!
Michael Scott: Gah, I will pull this car over!
Erin: I hate it! I hate your car!