Pam: The warehouse got a ping-pong table last week. Now Jim comes down and plays with Darryl. Sometimes, I bring him juice. My boyfriend is 12.

Kelly: Your boyfriend is so weak, he needs steroids just to watch baseball.
Jim couldn't hit a ping-pong ball of the size of the moon.
Were Jim's parents first cousins that were also bad at ping-pong?

Mr. Schneider: Did Ms. Levinson ever say why she thought she was being fired?
Michael Scott: She thought it had to do with the twins. That's what I call them.
Mr. Schneider: Can you be more specific? Who are the twins?
Michael Scott: To be delicate, they hang off milady's chest. They make milk.
Mr. Schneider: You don't need to go any further. Her breasts.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Mr. Schneider: She thought it had something to do with her recent breast surgery.
Michael Scott: Yes, and, frankly, the timing was nothing short of predominant.

Diane Kelly: Okay, the company has just a few clarifying questions, Mr. Scott, if that's okay with you.
Michael Scott: I will allow it.
Diane Kelly:Would you mind, please, just taking a quick look at this photograph, please?
Michael Scott: Uh.
Diane Kelly: That is you and Ms. Levinson in Jamaica. Is that correct?
Michael Scott: Uh-huh.
Diane Kelly: And that photograph was taken more than two months prior to the start of your relationship. Does that sound right? Mr. Scott, the time line here is actually very important. Please, when did your relationship actually begin?
Michael Scott: Well, depends on how you define "began." I mean, if it was from the first time we shook hands, it's like six years ago. The first time we kissed, it's like two years ago.
Diane Kelly: Wait. Excuse me?
Michael Scott: If it was from the first time we kissed sober, it was, like, four months after that.
Mr. Schneider: Could we take a short break?
Diane Kelly: No. Are you telling me that your relationship began two years ago and not in February, as you previously testified to here?
Michael Scott: Line.
Diane Kelly: I'm sorry, what?
The Mediator: He asked for a line, like in a play.

Michael Scott: Jan and I had an on-again, off-again relationship for two years. And I know this destroys her case. And I am sorry. But I throw myself at the mercy of the deposition.
Diane Kelly: Thank you, Mr. Scott. That's all we needed to know.
Mr. Schneider: Wait. We'd like to enter in the record a page from Michael Scott's personal journal.
Michael Scott: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing with my diary?
Mr. Schneider: This is plaintiff's exhibit 107. I quote from an entry dated January 4 of this past year. "Just got back from Jamaica. Tan almost everywhere. Jan almost everywhere. Hee hee. Oh, diary, what a week. I had sex with my boss. I don't know if it's going to go anywhere. Jan was very specific 'that this is not going anywhere.' That it was a one-time mistake. But we had sex six times, so you tell me. I am definitely feeling very eerie."
Michael Scott: Irie.
Mr. Schneider: Irie, sorry. "More tomorrow. Xoxo, Michael." It would appear that neither you nor Ms. Levinson considered you had a relationship in any sense of the word, is that correct?
Diane Kelly: We'll need to see a copy of that entire journal before-
Michael Scott: I don't think anyone in this room has a right to read my diary.
Diane Kelly: It's basic discovery. We have the right to review it.
The mediator: Okay, let's make ten copies of this diary.
Toby: Um. Could you make it 11?
The mediator: 11, sure. And we'll break for lunch so everyone can have a look.

Michael Scott: How could you give up my diary?
Jan: I had to. I'm sorry, but I need to win this. We need to win this.
Michael Scott: How'd you even find it?
Jan: You keep it under my side of the mattress.
Michael Scott: I don't like the lump.

Diane Kelly: Mr. Scott, who is this other woman Ryan, who you refer to here as "just as hot as Jan, but in a different way."
Michael Scott: Not a woman, just a cool, great-looking best friend.
Mr. Schneider: Aren't we trying to determine whether Michael and Jan were engaged in a romantic affair. Not Michael and this Ryan person.
Toby: [laughing] Excuse me.

Michael Scott: All right. All right. This is the way I see it. Yes, I had sex with Jan. And, yes, I did consider Jan to be my girlfriend. However, Jan clearly did not consider me to be her boyfriend. So her actions are completely rightful.
Diane Kelly: Okay, Mr. Scott. It's admirable, the way you defend a woman who is so obviously ambivalent about her relationship with you.
Michael Scott: Thank you very much. You didn't have to say that.
Diane Kelly: Considering she consistently gave you such poor performance reviews.
Michael Scott: That was before our relationship. She was going through a divorce. And she was drinking a lot.
Diane Kelly: Okay.
Michael Scott: Of water.

Pam: Yes! Way to go. See that?
Kelly: Yeah, the floppy-haired girl you date won a point.

Jan: I don't know, I just I never felt welcomed there, you know?
Michael Scott: That's-
Jan: It's such a boys' club.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I hate that. So here's the deal. I am on my way to New York to be deposed as part of Jan's wrongful termination lawsuit. The company fired her for having the courage to augment her boobs.
Jan: And they displayed a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behaviors.
Michael Scott: Yes, yes. Pat-tern. Patt-ern. My friend Pat took a turn. That's how I remember that. Could we pull over and put down the top? My- I'm feeling a little queasy.
Jan: No, I want it up. My hair. Remember, it's not just a pattern. It's a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behaviors.
Michael Scott: Disree. My friend Disree got new specs. Disree spect. My friend Inapro drives a Prius with his behind neighbor.
Jan: Does this work for you?
Michael Scott: Yep!