Michael Scott: This is what a true survivorman does. You simulate a disaster, like a plane wreck. You can only wear the clothes that you have on. And you can only use the stuff that you have in your pockets. Now in this case, this disaster is a serial killer, creepy guy who's abducted me, and is taking me out into the wilderness to leave me for dead.
Dwight K. Schrute: No. I would never leave you for dead. You would never escape.
Michael Scott: Well yes, I would and then I would survive.
Dwight K. Schrute: I would make sure that you were dead, believe me. Then I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips so you couldn't be identified. And they would call me the overkill killer.
Michael Scott: You are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real.

Jim: There are 13 people working in this office. So 13 times a year, Michael gets a cake and balloons and some sort of joke gift and makes a toast. And there are two types of toasts. One is a joke about how old you are. And the other is something inappropriate or horrible. Or both. What else? He only sings the high harmony to Happy Birthday. And he is a very big believer in surprise parties. Maybe even arguably, possibly to a fault. So I think, yeah I think getting these out of the way might be productive.

Michael Scott: Day one. I'm in the interior of the vast Pennsylvania wilderness. I've brought with me only the bare essentials. A knife, roll of duct tape in case I need to fashion a shelter or make some sort of water vessel. It's hot today. The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant which would make it about- Really beating down on me now. And I think that I want to get a little more comfortable because the sun is depleting my resources. Okay. Oh, there we go. Watch that I don't hit my carotid artery here.

Phyllis: Hey, Michael- I mean Jim.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Yep, Phyllis called me Michael. And I will always and forever be haunted by that fact.

Michael Scott: Under this tree, I think I struck the motherload. Those are nature's best mushrooms. Wild, and I have to say, these little buggers are damn tasty as well.
Dwight K. Schrute: No! No, Michael! No! [tackling Michael to the ground] Give 'em up!

Michael Scott: Yeah, just this whole Toby camping thing. I don't know. It seems a little lame.
Jim: How so?
Michael Scott: A bunch of guys in a tent making s'mores?
Jim: What's that?
Michael Scott: Hello, I'm Broken Mountain. Here's the thing. That's not how you go camping. I think you go camping by yourself in the wilderness. It's not with a group of guys frolicking around in tents. It's one guy, or two guys if your plans change.
Jim: Not gonna change.
Michael Scott: I want to do it myself. You know, I want to go and find out something about myself. I want to get out of here. All the cliques and the office politics, and fluorescent lights and the asbestos.
Jim: I thought we had that looked at.
Michael Scott: I'm sick of it. I'm sick of this place, Jim.

Michael Scott: There we go. Much better. Now everything I brought with me can be used. My sport coat here can be fashioned into a backpack of sorts. I'm going to wear what was once one of my pant legs. See this is a beautiful piece of material. This could be used for all sorts of things. Some sort of kerchief to keep my neck nice and comfortable.

Jim: Toby's great. He's great. But sometimes he can be a little bit much. "I don't see the harm in that." Well it's a cake, Toby. So, come on.

Michael Scott: Hypothetically, if I were to ask you to go camping- And you know what "hypothetical" means? Not real.
Jim: Got it.
Michael Scott: So if I were to hypothetically ask you to go camping with me, would you go?
Jim: Absolutely, yes.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: When Michael plays the hypothetical game, I always say yes.
[back:]
Michael Scott: Really?
Jim: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Do you wanna go today?
[to camera:]
Jim: And I am always busy.

Michael Scott: When Jan and I had satellite, we used to watch a reality show called Survivorman, and it was interesting because it was about a guy who would go out into the middle of nowhere and just try not to die, try not to get eaten by an animal or be overexposed.