Dwight K. Schrute: I keep various weaponry strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk. People say, "Oh, it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the workplace." Well, I say it's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally than by a stranger on purpose.

Michael Scott: Man became civilized for a reason. He decided that he liked to have warmth and clothing and television and hamburgers and to walk upright, and to have a soft futon at the end of the day. He didn't want to have to struggle to survive. I don't need the woods. I have a nice wood desk. I don't need fresh air because I have the freshest air around: A.C. And I don't need wide open spaces. Check it out. [turning monitor around to reveal desktop] I can also make it the sky.

Meredith: What is Jim thinking? It's a birthday. So what if there's a lot of them.
Kevin: Yeah, I work hard all day. I like knowing that there's going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break.
Stanley: I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today. If I don't have some cake soon, I might die.
Oscar: Why don't you have an apple?
Stanley: Why don't you mind your business?