Andy: [crying] Okay, we ready? [cut] Don't use that part. Last week, Erin told me that our relationship would be proceeding without me. Now I have to see her everyday at work. Which is brutal. When people say office relationships are a good idea, they never talk about what might happen if you break up.

Andy: Where are you going?
Pam: Uh, not on a three month boat trip.
Andy: Wha-? Oh, burn.

Erin: Just have some messages for you.
Andy: Are they from you?
Erin: Well no, they're from clients.
Andy: Well then, I don't want them. You can keep 'em. In fact, you can keep that big blue Nautica sweater, I know how much you love it.
Erin: I can't. I-
Andy: Nope, I insist upon it. It's an awesome sweater. Some great memories tied up in that thing.
Erin: These are messages from clients who want to buy paper.
Andy: I don't want to talk about work right now.
Erin: Well, I only want to talk about work right now.
Andy: Then I want my big blue sweater back.
Erin: Well, I gave it to the Salvation Army.

Clark: [to Pete] I'll give you a hundred dollars to wear that sweater to work tomorrow.

Phyllis: Andy, don't. No good can come from snooping.
Andy: I'm not snooping, there's just some crud on her screen.
Oscar: You're clearly snooping.
Creed: That's kinda uncool, man.
Meredith: Ah, come on.
Phyllis: Andy!
Oscar: That's her private property.
Meredith: Tell us!
Andy: Uh, hello! Who's snooping on who now?
Phyllis: What does that even mean?

Pete: Hey.
Andy: Come on in. Have a seat. Uh, thanks for coming in, I just gotta get something off my chest. I just got some really weird news and, uh, I'm just gonna come out and say it. I just got off the phone with my doctor, and it turns out I contracted [reading from computer] shlmydia... from Erin. And it's incurable. Pretty lame, huh?
Pete: Yeah. [long pause] You were gone.
Andy: I knew it!
Pete: For a long time, Andy.
Andy: You and Erin are fuhhhh...
Pete: Andy, just so you know, there was no overlap.
Andy: No overlap? Great. Good. Wow. This is suddenly so easy. Guess what? You're fired!
Pete: What?
Andy: Yeah. You. Are. Fired! One of the perks of being boss. I can fire anyone who steals my girlfriend. And wow, that turns out to be you. Yup. Sorry. [singing] So you had a bad day-
Pete: Andy?
Andy: ..The camera don't lie!
Pete: Andy.
Andy: You're being an idiot get...
Pete: I'm trying-
Andy: Out of my office, turns out you're fired.
Pete: Andy.
Andy: Because you suck.
Pete: You can't fire-
Andy: And you're fired...
Pete: If you want to talk to me-
Andy: So you had a bad day...
Pete: I'll be in the annex.

Phyllis: Come on Andy, they're a good match.
Andy: That doesn't matter, okay? What matters is that I am hurt! Deep hurt inside of me. I don't care if they're Romeo and freaking Juliet! I feel like the guy that Juliet dated before Romeo. Probably her boss. And guess what? Juliet's boss also had feelings.

Pete: Hey. You got a sec to talk?
Andy: Kinda painful to chat with you, Pete. Ever since the old one-two punch to my scrotum pole. Translation: penis. Translation: my manhood.
Pete: Yeah. Look, uh I understand breakups are tough. You know, it happens to all of us at some point in life. But you've gotta move on.
Andy: Great advice. Thank you, you can leave now.
Erin: Listen to him, Andy. He's trying to tell you something that you really need to hear.
Andy: Awesome perspective. Thanks for butting in.

Toby: I'm going to the prison. This afternoon. I'm gonna talk to the strangler.
Nellie: Probably best to use his real name rather than strangler.
Darryl: Don't use his real name. George Howard Scubb. It's a devil name.

Alice: Pete?
Pete: Alice. Oh man.
Alice: It's, uh, been a while, huh?
Erin: What, do you two know each other?
Pete: Yeah. We uh, have a history.
Erin: Oh.
Alice: History. Wow, okay. We dated for two years.
Erin: That's so random.
Pete: Well. Is it?
Erin: Andy also hired a management consultant today. Oh no!