Phyllis: [to Ernesto] I'm sorry, do you have any American Mexican food?

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm gonna find Gabe, tell him what Jim did and let the little stickler do what he does best: stickle.

Kevin: Ooh, did I win the pool?
Erin: Ah, no. Right month, wrong year.
Oscar: Well, no one won the pool. Angela wasn't due for another month.
Erin: We should all go to the hospital and visit her.
Phyllis: Oh, I'd love to but, um-
Jim: Aw man, I would but I can't miss any more work.
Oscar: Well, Kevin and I have to go, 'cause accounting is its own little family.
Kevin: Yeah, Oscar's the dad, I'm Oscar's dad and Angela's my mom.

Phyllis: Yeah, my car got smashed visiting one of your clients and I had to have it detailed and they took my meter change.
Jim: Wow, I'm really sorry.
Phyllis: Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: I never considered that my week off would make everyone else's job harder. The least I could do is give them a good story.

Dwight K. Schrute: So this whole hit and run thing, there's just one part I can't figure out. You said it was at a four-way stop...
Jim: Mmm-hm.
Dwight K. Schrute: And the victim rode his bicycle into the left hand turn lane, but the perp was already in the left-hand turn lane?
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Dwight K. Schrute: See, that's what I'm having trouble with, because the fact is, you never said he was on a bicycle. [villainous laugh] Busted, Halpert!
Jim: Okay, wait, wait.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes! Andy, get out here.
Jim: No. I never said he was on a bicycle. I just said I wasn't listening to you.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am making a citizen's arrest. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to beg for mercy. You have the right to request judgment by combat. Dwight's rights.

Andy: What's up, gangstas?
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim was lying about jury duty. He was lying the whole time so he could go do yoga or go canoeing. I don't know what this pervert likes. Fire him!
Andy: Dwight, not everything is a conspiracy theory.
Dwight K. Schrute: I have Jim on the record saying that the vic-
Andy: No. Dwight! I have me on the record, saying to you, take a chill pill.
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't- I don't need to take a chill pill.
Andy: Here, right there. [mimes giving Dwight a pill and a glass] Down the hatch.
Dwight K. Schrute: I really don't want to take the chill pill. [mimes taking pill]
Andy: Attaboy. Good. Now, chill.

Dwight K. Schrute: But let's just say that Jim was lying about jury duty. You would have to fire him, right?
Andy: Yeah, sure, of course. I'd fire him to Timbuktu. [Jim chuckles nervously]
Dwight K. Schrute: That's good enough for me.

Jim: ...and Pam was just going crazy, trying to take care of Philip because Cece has been out of control recently, and- look, Andy, it doesn't matter. The truth is, I just feel terrible lying to you.
Andy: I feel terrible getting lied to. No one's ever lied to me before.
Jim: Okay. I think the best thing to do right now is just come clean and tell everybody the truth.
Andy: No, not after what I told Dwight about firing you. No. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to have ourselves a good old-fashioned cover-up. Have you ever heard of a Connecticut cover-up?
Jim: No.
Andy: Do you know why you never heard of it?
Jim: No.
Andy: Covered it up.
Jim: Are you sure you can keep this under wraps?
Andy: They used to call me King Tut because I'm so good at keeping things under wraps.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: My nickname was actually King Butt, because I had a king-size butt.

Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, Jim. Hey, this guy look familiar?
Jim: Uh-
Toby: It's the empanada guy.
Jim: The empanada guy!
Dwight K. Schrute: No, Toby! [bleep] Damn it, Toby! No, I wasn't asking you. [sighs] Ask him if he remembers Jim. [Nate asks Ernesto a question in Spanish]
Ernesto: No.
Nate: He says, "No."
Dwight K. Schrute: He says, "No!" Boom!
Andy: Yeah, but who remembers all their customers? I mean, I can name like three of our clients.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, he remembers Toby, the most forgettable man in the known world.

Jim: Uh, you guys are going to love these. So, empanadas on me. You guys gotta try them.
Creed: Usually I'm a burrito guy, but if you won't tell, I won't. Wink, wink.