Jim: Dwight, you can't just hire someone ‘cause they're your friend.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm not. These people are the best of the best. I find talent an attractive quality in a friend.
Nellie: They're freaks, Dwight. All your friends are weirdos and freaks.
Dwight K. Schrute: You know who else was a [British accent] freak? Spider-man. And he was also a hero.
Darryl: Your friends are like Spider-man, if he had gotten bitten by a spider and then got really into masturbating.

Melvina: Do you need to be changed?
Dwight K. Schrute: I do that myself now.
Melvina: Mmm. Are you going to make a decision soon? I've been double-parked for five hours. I'm wondering if I should move my car.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, you've been towed by now. They tow after about 45 minutes.
Melvina: Well, the joke's on them. I live right next to the tow yard. All they did was save me some gas.

Dwight K. Schrute: And I was thinking it's only fair that you help make this decision since they'll be sitting at your desk next to your wife.
Jim: But you know I wouldn't hire any of these all-stars.
Dwight K. Schrute: Aah! God, that sucks! Aah! What are you gonna do? I mean, it's your call.
Jim: Nope. Your friends not turning out to be as great as you thought? Not even Gabor?
Dwight K. Schrute: I guess I just have higher standards for my work colleagues than for my friends. I just couldn't picture any of them in the old gold and gray.
Jim: I knew it. You designed a uniform for Dunder Mifflin.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Summer. Winter. Jungle. Formal.

Pam: Hey Brian, you got a sec?
Brian: Yeah. I know what you're gonna say. It's- It's all right.
Pam: I feel awful.
Brian: It's fine. It was my first slip up in nine years of miking you. [phone rings]
Pam: Well, thanks for being a good friend.
Brian: Sure, anytime. Uh, how about you and Jim? Everything squared away?
Pam: Yeah, mostly.
Erin: Pam, phone call.
Pam: Um, hey, say Hi to Alyssa.
Brian: Will do.
Pam: Okay. Thank you.

Jim: Things are a little delicate with me and Pam right now. And if my working in Philly is gonna end up doubling the Dwight in her life, that's only gonna make things worse.

Dwight K. Schrute: Hey. Come on, buddy. Let's do this. Sorry, Rolf goes first. You don't compare. When you're with the R-O-L-F, you're literally Rolling on the Laughing Floor. [laughs]
Rolf: Nice.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Rolf is my best friend, and he is the man. Cool, calm, and collected 24/7. Just try and rattle Rolf. I dare you. Such a sweet guy.

Jim: Last week, my company in Philly lost a big investor, so we're scrambling to find new funding. Luckily, my partners have a fix: me asking the boss of the company I'm abandoning to give us a gigantic influx of cash. So... problem solved. Thanks, guys.

Dwight K. Schrute: It does, but still no.
Clark: Come on, man. I mean, did Trevor do that? Did Rolf do that?
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, you think they're my only friends? I've got way more friends than that, and they're all better than the losers who work here.

Oscar: I don't wanna make assumptions based on people's physical appearances.
Pam: Well, of course not, but does physical appearance include smell?
Darryl: They smell so bad.
Meredith: If I ever get that bad, you'd tell me, right?
Kevin: Meredith, I tell you all the time.
Meredith: [chuckles] Walked right into that one.

Pam: Hey, I'm the one who has to sit next to this weirdo when Jim's away. I'm in a position where I'm rooting for Nate, and that just feels... wrong. [sighs] Forget it. I need to work on my mural. I have some pointy trees that I need to round off.