Dwight K. Schrute: Big changes coming to the old desk clump. No longer a Pam-Jim alliance against Dwight. Now it is Dwight and a friend axis against Pam.
Jim: You could've just called that an alliance too, right?
Dwight K. Schrute: I chose my words very carefully.

Clark: [sighs] You interviewing for the sales job too?
Rolf: No. You're interviewing for it. I'm getting it.
Clark: Well, I wouldn't be so sure about that. I mean, I've been working here 12 weeks. That's a full season of Homeland. A ton of things can happen in that amount of time, as we've seen.
Rolf: I'm Rolf. Rolf Ahl.
Clark: Rolf Ahl? Sounds kinda like Roald Dahl.
Rolf: Go to hell.

Dwight K. Schrute: So I've got your resume here, but it's not telling me everything.
Rolf: Well, a lot of that information is private. How do I know you're qualified to evaluate me?
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, I'm the one offering the job.
Rolf: What are your credentials?
Dwight K. Schrute: I've worked here for 12 years. I won salesman of the year. I'm an Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Rolf: I think I've heard everything I need to hear.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, wait, wait. No, I mean, if you need to know more, you can call David Wallace. I'm sure he'd give a reference.
Rolf: Thank you, Dwight. I'll be in touch.

Dwight K. Schrute: Well, they can't all be winners. But Trevor's next and he's a real professional. You say, "Jump," and he says, "Oh who?" He loves to jump on people, that Trevor.

Jim: Do people like sitting next to you? You're clean, right?
Clark: Oh, Dove Men.
Jim: Nice. Music. Do you listen to it in earbuds? You don't listen to it at all because we're at work, not a Florence and the Machine concert, so...
Clark: Yeah, could I just have a minute to prepare for this?
Jim: Sure, yeah. Do whatever you need to do.
Clark: Thanks, dude.
Jim: Right after you do one thing for me. I need you to breathe in my face.
Clark: Why?
Jim: I need you to breathe in my face right now.
Clark: [exhales]
Jim: What are we working with, peppermint or wintergreen?
Clark: Wintergreen.
Jim: I knew it, I knew it.
Clark: Yeah, good nose.
Jim: I looked at you coming around, and I said, "Wintergreen."

Dwight K. Schrute: I can't hire Clark. Yeah, he looks like a Schrute, but he thinks like a Halpert and he acts like a Beesly.

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, here's one. A customer who ordered enough paper to qualify for a volume discount now wants to return half the stock. You can't rebate the sales price or credit for future purchases because you brokered the deal for a third party.
Clark: That's just a classic no-win situation.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you.
Clark: So I'd Kobayashi Maru it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Damn it! Perfect answer, again.
Clark: Yep.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, think, Dwight, think. You have a ream of 16-bond...
Clark: You know what, Dwight?
Dwight K. Schrute: And anoth—
Clark: This interview's over, and I get the job. I just Kobayashi Maru'd the whole process.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Clark: Yeah. Star Trek rules.

Dwight K. Schrute: Next up, my cousin Mose. Mose could make a great paper salesman. He's got a natural fear of paper, which would motivate him to get as much of it out of this office as possible. I've got big expectations, Mose-wise.

Clark: So how'd you guys hear about the position?
Nate: My- My mom. Dwight called my house, but he didn't realize that I had already moved out, because my mom and I are quarreling because I- I can't stay out of her stuff.
Zeke: Dwight's my cousin, so I overheard him telling my brother Mose about the job opportunity in the shower.
Clark: You were in the shower or he was in the shower?
Zeke: Everyone was in the shower. It's a cow shower, so there's like, a ton of people in there.
Clark: So you guys all know Dwight already?
Melvina: I was his babysitter, and then we dated for a while. He was a passionate lover and the sweetest little baby.
Gabor: I knew you looked familiar. You used to pick up Dwight from school.
Melvina: You went to X-Men school too? [exhales]
Clark: X-Men school?

Angela: I don't want to sit near any of those people for the next 20 years. Someone say something.
Stanley: I said something when they were thinking of hiring Jim. Didn't work then. And now look what he's doing to us.
Nellie: Yeah, Jim, this is all your fault.
Jim: How is it my fault?
Nellie: Here's an exercise for you, Jim. Imagine there are consequences to your actions. Imagine the whole world does not revolve around this. There are others.
Jim: But it's Dwight who's bringing in all the weirdos.
Oscar: Yeah, but Jim, Dwight's a weirdo. We can't blame a weirdo for bringing in weirdos. We can blame a normal for creating a situation where a weirdo was allowed to bring in weirdos.