Dwight K. Schrute: Do you know what this is?
Phyllis: Yes, it's marijuana.
Dwight K. Schrute: How do you know that?
Phyllis: It's labeled.
Dwight K. Schrute: Damn it.

Michael Scott: Okay, attention, everyone! The drug testing has been cancelled. Instead, I will be going around to each of you and doing a visual inspection.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, you can't do that.
Michael Scott: I can do that. It is my office!
Dwight K. Schrute: No, you cannot. It has to be official and it has to be urine.

Dwight K. Schrute: Kevin, what prescription drugs are you taking besides Rogaine?
Kevin: I'm not taking Rogaine.
Dwight K. Schrute: Angela, what about you?
Angela: I don't take any prescription drugs.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're not on anything? [sighs] Good.

[Jim stands silently by as Kelly talks his head off]
Kelly: So, the first time we went out to dinner, it was like, whatever, fine. But I was so nervous. So this time, I wanted it to be special. So I bought a new dress! One of those kinds that's kind of low-cut at the top to show something. But not everything. I mean, not everything, Jim. I promise-
Pam: Hey, guys. What's going on?
[Jim looks pleadingly at Pam]
Kelly: Oh, we're just having the best conversation.
Pam: Okay, well, Michael wants to see everyone in the conference room. But you know what? We have a few minutes, so you guys should definitely finish up your conversation.
Kelly: Oh, thanks. So, I was looking so hot-

Michael Scott: I am ridiculously anti-drug. I am so anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion or testing of any kind.

Michael Scott: Drugs ruin lives, people. Drugs destroy careers. Take Cheech and Chong. Everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny. But just imagine how funny they would be if they didn't smoke pot.

Dwight K. Schrute: Hi, Linda. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff's deputy.
Linda: We test a lot of urine.
Dwight K. Schrute: Mine was green.
Linda: Oh, right. How are you?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm all better.

Kevin: I'd like a magazine.
Linda: We just need urine, sir.
Kevin: I'd still like one.

Michael Scott: Dwight, well, I passed the test, thanks to you and your untainted pee. Thank you very much.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's great.
Michael Scott: What's wrong? Where's your costume?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's a uniform. And I turned it in today when I tendered my resignation.
Michael Scott: Why?
Dwight K. Schrute: I took an oath when I was sworn in. And I broke that oath today.

Dwight K. Schrute: How many orange traffic cones do you have?
Tate: Two.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, God.