Creed: That is Northern Lights, Cannabis indica.
Dwight K. Schrute: [sighing] No. It's marijuana.

Jim: So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot, which is unfortunate, because, as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.

Dwight K. Schrute: Let's go over some of these symptoms of marijuana use, shall we? You tell me who this sounds like. Slow moving, inattentive, dull, constantly snacking, shows a lack of motivation.
Kevin: Hey.

Kelly: And the guys are saying, "Chug! Chug! Chug!" But I'm so small and all I had eaten that day was one of those Auntie Em pretzels from the food court. So I said, "Is it okay if I sip it?" And they said, "No." But Ryan seemed cool either way-
Dwight K. Schrute: Stop! This is not "Kelly Kapoor's Story Hour." Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay? Your ass is on the line, mister! My ass is on the line! Now, I'm gonna ask you again, what time did you go home last night?
Kelly: Six.

Dwight K. Schrute: I didn't know that you were at a party on Saturday night.
Ryan: I go to a lot of parties.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, I'm gonna need to search your car. Give me your keys.
Ryan: I am not giving you my keys.
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't make me do this the hard way.
Ryan: What's the hard way?
Dwight K. Schrute: I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer - I know several - what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here and make you give him the keys to your car and you will have to obey him.
Ryan: No, let's do it that way.

Michael Scott: Dwight, dude, you gotta take a chill pill, man. It was one joint in the parking lot. You know, you're totally harshing the office mellow.

Dwight K. Schrute: I can't stop this investigation. It is my job.
Jim: Whoa, you are a volunteer.
Dwight K. Schrute: I volunteered for this job.
Jim: And that's not the same.
Dwight K. Schrute: It is my duty-
Jim: Volunteer duty.
Dwight K. Schrute: -to investigate the crime scene. I have six more interviews to go, and then I will reveal what I know.
Michael Scott: [coughing] Narc!
Dwight K. Schrute: If you are attempting to compliment me, then you have done a very good job.
Michael Scott: I wasn't attempting to compliment you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, you have, because being a narc is one of the hardest jobs that you can have.

Michael Scott: Dude, where's my office? I totally lost it because I was half-baked, smoking doobies! Doobie Brothers. I was smoking doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest!
Jim: Well, your office is behind you.
Michael Scott: Thanks. Munchies.

Dwight K. Schrute: Have you ever taken any illegal drugs?
Oscar: No, I have not.
Dwight K. Schrute: Do you think it's possible that maybe you could have had some drugs in your system without you knowing about it?
Oscar: What are you implying?
Dwight K. Schrute: Have you ever pooped a balloon?

Dwight K. Schrute: I don't wanna blow this. This is what all good law enforcement officers dream of, the chance to solve an actual crime.