Michael Scott: Two nights ago, I went to an Alicia Keys concert at the Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center. I had scored these great aisle seats. Anyway, after the opening act, this beautiful girl sits down next to me. And I never get to meet girls with lip rings and she had one. I don't know exactly how this happened, but one of her friends started passing around some stuff and they said that it was clove cigarettes. And I'm sure that it was clove cigarettes. Everybody in the aisle was doing it.

Dwight K. Schrute: Kevin Malone, you're next. Spit that out. Spit. Okay, come on. Let's go.
Jim: You look cute today, Dwight.

Pam: Jim does the best impressions. Sometimes he'll look up at me from his desk, and he'll just be someone else. Like, he'll go... [doe-eyed look] That's supposed to be Phyllis. I can't do it as good as he can.

Ryan: I don't think Michael's ever done drugs. I don't know if anyone's ever offered him any.

Dwight K. Schrute: Oscar visited Mexico, when he was five, to attend his great-grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule.

Dwight K. Schrute: I know you're innocent, but it can't look like I'm treating you any differently.
Angela: I understand.
Dwight K. Schrute: [shouting] Where were you yesterday after work?

Michael Scott: Uh-oh, uh-oh. Who's he calling? Ratting somebody out! Narc! Narc! Kevin.
Kevin: That is so good, Michael.
Michael Scott: Remember the narc bit?

Michael Scott: It has come to my attention that some people here think that the use of drugs is something to laugh about.
Phyllis: We don't feel that way.
Angela: No, not at all.
Oscar: You were the one joking around, calling Dwight a narc.
Michael Scott: No, no. That was a test. I was testing you. And you all failed. Miserably. When I said that Dwight was a narc, how many of you defended him? How many of you said, "Hey, you know what? He's right. What he's doing is protecting this office from the evils of drugs."
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you, Michael.

Michael Scott: Enough, enough, enough! I have written down a list of illegal drugs. Take a gander. How many of these are you familiar with?
Toby: Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael.
Michael Scott: Yes, it is.
Toby: No, it's not. It's a type of pipe. You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit or other flavors-
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what, Toby? Pam, could you take this down? In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair.
Toby: You can't do that.
Michael Scott: I can test anyone randomly, and I have chosen you randomly.
Toby: That's not random.
Michael Scott: Okay. Eenie, meenie, minie, moe, is random.

Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? I'm gonna need a volunteer to select one of these words and tell us of something tragic that happened in either their lives or the lives of a loved one. Yeah, Pam.
Pam: I know that Jim has an amazing story about a relative of his who got caught up in the world of drugs.
Michael Scott: Really?
Pam: Mmm-hmm.
Michael Scott: Jim, it's okay. You can- This would be a good place to let it out, Jim. These are people you can trust. These are people who care about you. It's okay. Just- We will not judge you. We are here to not judge you. [Jim stands up] Oh, he's doing it. Okay. It's okay. [Jim gets ready to talk, gets emotional and remains silent, then sits back down again]
Michael Scott: Okay, are you sure? That looked like it was gonna be good. All right. Okay, well...
[aside to camera:]
Pam: Wow! He really pulled out the big guns. Fake crying. I did not expect that.