Gabe: Hey. I need you to get the paperwork rolling on a new workplace relationship.
Toby: For you?
Gabe: Yes. For Gabe.
Toby: Who are you seeing? That's gr-
Gabe: Whom I'm seeing is Val from down in the warehouse.
Toby: Oh.
Gabe: I'm not technically seeing her, but uh I've seen her, with the eyes and, uh, there was attraction. In at least one direction. So...
Toby: You know, I don't have to do the paperwork unless you're actually dating.
Gabe: Okay, but once this starts, it's going to be moving fast. It's going to be hot and heavy, and I don't want a bunch of bureaucratic red tape wrapped around my jock. You know?
Toby: But I mean, uh, have you talked to her?
Gabe: Yeah we had a whole conversation about Mondays.
Toby: Do you know her last name, yet?
Gabe: Toby, I'm going to tell you her last name tomorrow because she's going to be screaming it tonight.
Toby: She's going to be screaming her own last name?
Gabe: Hey! Watch it.
Toby: Good luck, Gabe.

Angela: Oscar, use a calculator. [Oscar shakes his head]
[aside to camera:]
Oscar: When the stakes are this high, there is only one computer that I trust. And it's powered by Thai food and Spanish reds.

Robert: When I come back next week and this report shows me no mistakes, we can talk about names all day. Our favorite names, silly made up names, normal names said in a silly voice. Wouldn't that be nice?
Andy: I would like that.
Robert: End the mistakes. That is all I ask. [gets up from chair] And you can't have a favorite Iron Chef. It depends entirely on the secret ingredient. Sometimes I feel you don't know food at all.

Pam: What are you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: What does it look like I'm doing? Digging a grave for a horse.
Erin: Do you need a hand?
Pam: Yeah, do you need a hand? [everyone joins in]
Dwight K. Schrute: If you hit another horse, you've dug too far.

Andy: Every office needs an end of the day tradition. Something to tell you the day is over. Otherwise, you go home and the night just feels like more day. It's weird.

Dwight K. Schrute: I may have a little solution to our mistakes problem. This is a project I've been working on for quite some time and today, might be the day to use it.
Andy: What do you got?
Dwight K. Schrute: [opens folder] Allow me. You're going to love this. [struggles opening folder] Ah, I should've used a shorter string. Never mind, I know it by heart. It is a system that holds people accountable for everyone else's work.
Andy: Sounds controversial.
Dwight K. Schrute: Have I not been worthy of your trust? Have I not been a reliable number two?
Andy: Do not go there! You're the deuce I never want to drop.

Andy: And I'd like to add that your work has been a little sloppy. So, Dwight and I have implemented a new program that we like to call... Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: The Accountability Booster. It registers every time a mistake has been made in the office. From a late delivery to an accounting error. Five strikes in a day equals a home run. One home run and you're out.
Andy: If we as a group make five mistakes in a day, something bad happens like we block Minesweeper.
Dwight K. Schrute: Or in this case an email gets sent to Robert California containing the consultants report from last year. Remember the one that recommended the branch be shutdown? And as a fail-safe also every negative email you've ever written about him to the group will also be forwarded to him.
Kelly: What emails are you talking about?
Dwight K. Schrute: Robert's favorite songs: Creep by TLC, Creep by Radio Head. You remember that one, Jim? "There is no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper", Oscar. "He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappointing him", Kelly.
Kelly: That's not that bad actually.
Dwight K. Schrute: "P.S. We should should kill him."

Oscar: Why haven't we heard anything? It's 4:45. There's only 15 minutes left.
Angela: Oh, now you can do math? Where were you 2 hours ago, beautiful mind?

Erin: Oh, Pam. You got something on your shirt.
Pam: Oh, haha. Oh well. Pobody's nerfect, right?
Dwight K. Schrute: Did you just have a stroke, Pam? It's "Nobody's perfect." Nice stroke, Pam.
Pam: No. It's a jokey saying. Pobody's nerfect, like I can't even say those words right. Ha.
Dwight K. Schrute: I hadn't heard that before. That's- That's funny.

Pam: Thanks for everything.
Dwight K. Schrute: Sive drafely.
Kevin: Isn't it supposed to be, "Drive safely"?