Michael Scott: Yes? Oh good, good Stanley! First victim. This is what I want you to do. Go out, come back in. We're going to hide. I want you to tell me if this looks like me, okay?
Stanley: I don't understand why sleeping at your desk is better than you not being here.
Michael Scott: Just go out, and come back in.
Stanley: I got an offer from Utica for more money, and I'm going to take it.

Michael Scott: Hey, everyone, can I have your attention, please? I just thought you all should know that Stanley Hudson is planning on leaving us, because our old friend Karen from Utica is going to give him more money to work there.
[All applaud]
Michael Scott: No, no, no. You completely misinterpreted my tone, this is a horrible thing. Clearly, Karen is trying to get back at us because Jim dumped her.
Jim: Oh, I don't think that is what's happening.
Michael Scott: Okay, well, smarty pants, then why? Why is she trying to take Stanley from us?
Stanley: I think it's because of my sales record.
Michael Scott: That could not possibly be it.

Pam: Oscar, Toby, and I are founding members of the Finer Things Club. We meet once a month to discuss books and art, celebrate culture in a very civilized way. Sometimes the debate can get heated, but we're always respectful. There is no paper, no plastic, and no work talk allowed. It's very exclusive.

Jim: So tell me again why I can't be part of your club.
Pam: Because some people think you monopolize the conversation by trying to be funny.
Jim: Oscar?
Pam: Some people.

Pam: I have Ben Nugent on the line, he is the top salesman in Utica.
Michael Scott: [on the phone] Hi Ben, Michael Scott.
Ben: Hi, Michael.
Michael Scott: I'm going to cut right to the chase here. Do you like magic? Because I'm a genie in a bottle, and I'm going to grant you 3 wishes: To move to Scranton, to have a great job, and to be my best friend.
Ben: Aren't you the guy that hit the woman with your car?
Michael Scott: [to Pam] Get out. [on the phone] Yeah. I also saved her life, but I guess that's not as grabby.
Ben: Everyone says Scranton branch is worse than Camden. Didn't everyone from Stamford quit, like immediately?
Michael Scott: No, I fired them, and you're next. So what do you say?
Ben: Seriously?

Michael Scott: What is that guy talking about? Scranton is not lame. Scranton is the cool fun branch. We're like Animal House.

Dwight K. Schrute: Found him!
Michael Scott: Jim, we're getting crapped on. Word is that our branch sucks, and we have to do something about it.
Jim: So what are you going to do?
Michael Scott: What are we going to do? We are going to make a monster sale, that's what we're going to do. Corcroan dropped Staples.
Jim: Did they?
Michael Scott: Yes they did. Oh, yes they did. And we are going to murder it. You, me, Dwight are going to jump into my PT Cruiser, and we're going to crush this sale. We're going to prove- What the hell is that music?
Pam: It's Vivaldi, for Finer Things.
Michael Scott: That's the problem. That's the problem. We need rock n' roll, Pam, rock n' roll. All right? [Michael runs into Toby, who is holding fine china and wearing a bow-tie] Oh, my God. That's why people are leaving. I- I have no words.

Dwight K. Schrute: Come on, I already filled the bottles with the gas. It's going to be so badass!
Jim: Are you kidding me? We've been driving around with this in the trunk the whole time?

Michael Scott: What is that? That sound- The air-conditioning leaking or something?
Jim: That doesn't make sense, couldn't be.
Michael Scott: What is that? Dwight, are you peeing?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm peeing in this empty can.
Jim: Oh my God!
Michael Scott: Come on, man. That is disgusting, Dwight!
Dwight K. Schrute: Well you said that we couldn't make anymore stops, and I really had to go.
Jim: Michael, watch the road!
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, you're making me spray!
Michael Scott: I'll kill you, man!
Jim: Michael! Michael, pull over!
Michael Scott: That is just so disgusting!
Dwight K. Schrute: I think I cut my penis on the lid!

Andy: So, Stanley, are you really outta here?
Stanley: Yep, looks that way.
Andy: I'm gonna miss you, man. You've been like an uncle to me. Like a kind old uncle Remus. I wanna stay in touch.