Frankie: All I asked was for you to clean the bathroom! How hard is that?
Brick: Well, if you want to do it properly, you have to get to the root of the problem.
Frankie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Brick. We are not "root of the problem" people. The surface is where we live. You start chipping away and digging down to the root of everything, the whole place falls apart. The filth and grime is what's holding everything together. You want to see a video of how we fix things? We wipe, we slide, we shove, we close. If a drawer is too full to open, move on to the next one. Never open it again.

Brick: I'm beginning to think you only had children because you wanted slaves.
Mike: No, we had them 'cause of beer.

Frankie: Really, Brick?
Brick: I'm on it. All I need is a can of high-quality thin-set and a ceramic saw. Randy Poteat on Youtube says, "Y'all got to do it right the first time, or y'all be back at it in 10 years." [whispers] Randy Poteat.

Frankie: [v.o.] Everybody has their own idea of paradise, but for Sue Heck, it's...
Sue: You can sign up for anything? Hi. Now, what if I join your club and I don't exactly have any tap experience? I once did a shuffle off to Buffalo in a skit about the food pyramid. I-I was broccoli. But that's about it.
Girl: No problem. You don't need any experience. Just sign up.
Sue: Okay, okay, okay. And when are they making cuts? Should a person expect a text, e-mail, phone call?
Girl: There are no cuts.
Sue: What?
Girl: Yeah, no cuts. It's just about having fun.
Sue: Oh. Ah. Hi, what do you guys do?
Guy: We're working to save polar bears.
Sue: I love polar bears! And saving things. Origami!

Brick: May I speak to the both of you?
Mike: Looks like you're already doing it.
Brick: It has come to my attention that with Axl and Sue gone, I'm the only one left doing the chores. Hmm, whose turn is it to empty the dishwasher? Oh, look, it's me. Whose turn is it to take out the trash? Well, since Sue's not here, I guess it's me. Who's next in line to vacuum? Let me eliminate the suspense. It's me. So, to remedy this obvious injustice, I've taken the Liberty of creating a new chore chart. As you can see, I divided all the labor up equally. It's time you two start pulling your weight around here and sharing in the chores.
Frankie: We do plenty of chores, Brick. It's called our life.
Mike: This conversation's a chore.
Brick: The bathroom is really gross. So, Dad, can I put you down for Tuesdays and Thursdays?
Mike: Uh, put me down for "no days" and "no days."
Brick: Well, that's gonna put a lot of extra work on Mom, but okay.
Frankie: Look, Brick, you're the one using the bathroom, so you're the one that's gonna clean it. Now, just get some cleaning supplies from the laundry room and get on it.

Frankie: Hey, hey, hey. Be happy he's wearing something different. Let's not get on him. He's like a deer in the yard. We don't want to scare him away.
Mike: Hey! I found the coupons. Let's blow this popsicle stand! What? I say that all the time.

Mike: [static crackles] All right, turn on the microwave. No, phone's still crackling. Turn it off. [microwave beeps] Uh-huh. I figured it out. What we have here is a crackly phone.
Frankie: [sighs] We've got to fix this, Mike. Paula Norwood called and invited us to dinner Friday night, and I could barely hear what she said.
Mike: Oh, no. They don't want to drag us to that crepe place, do they? I don't like sauce.
Frankie: I don't know. All I know is it's 7:30 at "kck-kck-kck-kck-kck." Don't worry. I'm gonna try to talk Paula into going to that new place next to the teddy bear hospital. I have coupons for that.
Mike: Just to be safe, I'll eat before we go.

Frankie: Mike, where did I put the coupons? You didn't take 'em, did you? You're always taking my stuff.
Mike: [o.s.] Unless it's for tires, I didn't take 'em.
Frankie: [sighs] Well, I know I put 'em somewh... Well, hey, there, Hawkeye. Where's Trapper John?
Mike: What?
Frankie: I don't know. I-I have never seen you wear a Hawaiian shirt. Are your 400 flannels in the wash?
Mike: Ah, the kids gave me this years ago. I saw it in the closet and said, "What the hey?"
Frankie: You're wearing a Hawaiian shirt and saying "What the hey?" Who are you?
Mike: I've worn other shirts before. It's not a big deal.

Sue: [on video call] Oh, my God. Let me see, let me see. What is happening? Why is Dad wearing that shirt?
Brick: I don't know.
Sue: Is it Hawaiian day at the quarry? Are Mom and Dad going to a costume party?
Frankie: Yeah, like your Dad would ever wear a costume to a costume party.
Brick: Maybe his vision's going and he no longer sees pattern.
Mike: Okay, let's everyone stop worrying about me so much and start worrying about this library book I just found. We paid 30 bucks for this. Got to look first, people.

Brick: [answers phone] Hi, Axl.
Axl: Okay, I know what's going on here. We just studied this. It's classic identity disorder. Dad's mind has him convinced he's someone else in order to cope with his sucky life.
Sue: [on cellphone] Axl, can you hear me? Do you believe it? Dad's actually wearing the Hawaiian shirt we got him!
Axl: I know, but why? Does he know he's wearing it? Was he asleep, and they just put it on him?
Sue: I don't know.
Brick: Oh, and guess what. He's going outside in it.
Sue: Oh, my God.