Frankie: Okay, so, remember, the house makes a lot of weird noises, but there's no reason to get scared. The "ca-chunk, ca-chunk" is the refrigerator, the "braaaaaaa-unk" is the heater, and the "da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da" is the washer lid. If it gets too loud, just put more tape on it.
Sue: Not to worry, Mom. We'll be fine.
Mike: Mm-hmm. Well, you'd bell, you' 'cause I'm not driving back, even if there's a guy outside with a knife.
Frankie: Mike, that's not gonna happen. They caught that guy.
Sue: What?!
Frankie: You'll be fine.

Frankie: Oh, wow! It's like being on vacation!
Mike: The minute we got in the car without the kids, it was a vacation.
Frankie: You know, if you play your cards right, this could be a very nice weekend.
Mike: You're telling me. Look at that TV! The game's on!
Frankie: Yeah. All right, well, you watch your game while I soak in the jacuzzi tub, where I won't have to turn on the hot water with pliers. All right. I will see you later. I might even slip on a negligee.
Mike: Really?
Frankie: Well, a clean night shirt... You know, the one with the lace? It had a bloodstain from Brick's nosebleed, but it's mostly out.
Mike: Oh, I like that one.

Darrin: This is so unfair. I called shotgun.
Sean: I told you, you have to see the car before you call shotgun.
Darrin: Since when?
Sean: Since the beginning of shotgun!
Axl: Oh, my God, let it go, Darrin. We're in Ohio now. Once you cross state lines, you got to stop complaining about shotgun.
Darrin: I thought we were going to New York. Are we lost?
Sean: You are.
Axl: Guess they don't teach geography in air-conditioning school.
Darrin: No, but I'll tell you what I do know. It's 80 bucks an hour to fix an air conditioner, so suck it, college boys!

Sue: Wh- What is Diaper Glossner doing here?!
Brick: Whatever he wants!
Sue: This is bad. My American Girl Babysitting manual did not prepare me for this!
Brick: How did he even get in here? Did you leave the door open?
Sue: I was looking for you! This is all your fault.
Brick: Unh-unh. Don't pin this on me. You're the one in charge.
Sue: Oh. Um, maybe we should call his mom.
Brick: Rita Glossner? Sure. What's the number for the lady prison?

Frankie: Oh, you just need some fresh eyes. So, which remote did you use?
Mike: I don't know. They all look alike!
Frankie: Uhh... this looks like the one for the TV. Let's see what Janet's instructions say. Mm. "Input"... "Input"... "Satellite"... "TV source." I don't see "TV source."
Mike: [takes Frankie's glasses] Come on, Frankie. I've already missed half the game. Where are ya, you little... Oh! Here it is! Now what do I do?
Frankie: Well, I don't know, 'cause I don't have my glasses. [takes glasses back] "Slide button to 'AV 2.'"
Mike: [takes Frankie's glasses] Uh, I don't see it. Wait... how do you slide a button, anyway? You must have misread it.
Frankie: No! [takes glasses back] I It says right here"Slide button to 'AV 2.'" I think I know how to read.
Mike: [takes Frankie's glasses] I see... "Display. Format. Sync."
Frankie: Okay. Hold on. Here. [holds up her glasses so they can both squint through them] You really need to get your own glasses.
Mike: I don't need 'em.

Sue: Oh! I think the Glossners went down to the basement. What are we gonna do?
Brick: I know. What if we lay a trail of pop-tarts from the basement door to the front door? Then, when the Glossners follow the trail out the door, we slam it and lock them outside!
Sue: Brick, this isn't a Road Runner cartoon.
Brick: Might I remind you of a little story called Hansel And Gretel? Woop!
Sue: Shh! Might I remind you that the kids ended up captured by the witch and didn't they get eaten?
Brick: Well, it depends on whether you're talking about the 1812 German version or the later version where-
Sue: Brick! We have Glossners in the basement. Tick-tock!
[After Sue and Brick lay a trail of Pop-Tarts to the front door and open it, another Glossner kid wanders in eating the Pop-Tarts]
Sue: Great idea, Brick! Now we have three Glossners in the house. It's an infestation!
Brick: You know, if Hansel and Gretel were anything like the Glossners, I'm starting to see the witch's side of the story.

Sue: I can't believe they're playing baseball in the house! It's one thing to walk in uninvited, and it's another to fly in the face of house rules!
Brick: I'm just surprised we have apples! Anyways, the Glossners should leave once we cut the power. Ready?
Sue: Yeah.
Brick: One... two... three. [lights go off]
Sue: I'm scared!
Brick: Me too!
[When the lights come back on, a girl Glossner is eating an apple in the living room]
Brick: You see that one, too, right?

Mike: Damn it, Frankie. You know, I didn't want to come here in the first place.
Frankie: Big shocker, I'll call Channel 9 news.
Mike: What's that supposed to mean?
Frankie: You know what it means. You never want to go anywhere. You're a stick in the mud. You take your stick and you plant it right in the mud.
Mike: Yeah, well, that's better than being a "hopes too high." You get this whole perfect idea of stuff built up in your head, and you're always disappointed. Why? 'Cause your hopes are too high.
Frankie: Well, excuse me for wanting to have fun.
Mike: Oh, right, 'cause this is so much fun! We're old, Frankie. We passed "fun" a few miles back.

Frankie: You think this is turning out the way I wanted it to? It's not, but I am making the best of things. Your problem is you can't roll with it. It's annoying, Mike!
Mike: Oh, is that what we're doing now? We're telling each other what annoys us? 'Cause I got stuff.
Frankie: Just because I said something annoys me about you doesn't mean you have to say something about me.
Mike: You chew with your mouth open. Ever since you turned 40, you chew with your mouth open. It reminds me of your dad.
Frankie: Wow. How long you been sitting on that one?
Mike: Hey, I was planning on dying with that info. You're the one that kicked this door open.
Female Voice: Oven door open.
Frankie: Oh, shut up!
Frankie: [v.o.] That time, I was yelling at Mike.

Sean: Okay. Before we waste any more gas, we've got to figure out where we're going. Axl, you've got to decide, man. What do you want to do?
Darrin: Dude, it's so obvious what you got to do.
Sean: I agree. Don't do it.
Darrin: Go for it.
Axl: [groans] Why is this so hard? I mean, I really want to see Cassidy, but I want to make sure she wants to see me, but I can't do that until I see her, but then I will have seen her without knowing if she wants to see me!
Darrin: Sorry. I'm too hungry to understand what you just said.