Mike: I'm sure we'll find someone who will take him.
Frankie: No, we are not getting rid of the only thing in this house that loves me.
Mike: What are you talking about?
Frankie: I'm talking about the fact that Colin Firth actually appreciates me. He listens to what I have to say. When is the last time any of you listened to me, huh? It's just "Mom, we need this," "Mom we need that." "Dad, there's no toilet paper," said no one ever. All you see when you look at me is something to make fun of. "Ha, ha, ha, Mom was born in the pioneer days," "Mom can't jump," "Oh, Mom's wearing her sweatpants backwards." Okay. I'm sorry. I thought the word "Juicy" was supposed to go on the front, okay? And I just laugh along like it's all okay, and it piles up. And it's just chip, chip, chip, and pick, pick, pick, and it takes its toll, people. It takes its toll! Do you want to know why I can't jump? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I have the weight of all your ridicule and disdain piled on my back and dragging me down! That's why I can't jump! So, when you are all laughing and snickering... you remember I am not just some mom punching bag! [sobs] I am a person with feelings, okay? [dog barks]

Mike: Don't be so sensitive, Frankie. They were teasing you. They tease me, too. Remember the time I missed a belt loop?
Frankie: Really, Mike? That's it? That's the best you got? You may not realize it, but I get teased around here all the time way more than you.
[flashback:]
Sue: Mom, that's hilarious! You don't have to type "www" before you put in a website anymore. Guys! Hey, guys, guess what mom just did! Yeah, no... She's so old!
[flashback:]
Frankie: [sneezes] Oh, you know, I think I'm "allerngic" to this blanket.
Brick: Did you hear that, Dad? Mom's "allerngic"!
Frankie: Okay, ha, ha. I mispronounced one little word. Give me a break.
Mike: Hey, why are you raising the "vulume"?
Sue: Oh, come on, mom. Don't walk away "mud."
Brick: You're favorite "proogrom's" on!
Mike: Aw, come back! "Frunkie"!

Sue: Oh, the tryouts were ahh-ahh-ahh-mazing! You guys won't believe what happened.
[flashback:]
Coach Babbit: Ready? Good. Go, go! Okay. Heck!
Sue: Yeah.
Coach Babbit: We'll give you a bump, set, then you come in from the outside and hit. Got it?
Sue: Got it!
[After Sue misses the ball and lands with a thud, she falls through the gym floor]
Sue: [o.s.] I'm okay!
[present:]
Sue: And thank God the janitor break room's down there because that old couch really broke my fall. Anyway, they must have been super impressed with how well I bounced back because now they want me on the team! Oh, and they said it was very important that you sign and date all these release forms, waiving your right to any legal recourse or something like that. But Coach said once I bring these papers back I'll be all set. Get it? All set. It's a volleyball word.

Axl: Okay. Here's the thing, Brick. I screwed up. I screwed up big time. And it's really, really bad. I mean, I thought I was doing okay, but three of my professors told me I had to drop their classes. And if I drop three classes, I'll only have one left and that's Music Appreciation which everyone calls "Clap for Credits," and I'm barely passing that.
Brick: That doesn't make any sense. Clapping is something you're actually good at.
Axl: I blame Mom and Dad. 'Cause I don't know if you know this, but I am completely unsupervised here. No one tells me to go to class. No one tells me to do my homework. No one warns me that wearing your shower shoes in the snow is not a good idea. Last week, I slept for two whole days. Nobody woke me up. I brush my hair with a fork! I always thought if Mom and Dad would just get off my back, I'd be fine. But I need them, Brick. I need them on my back. Don't tell them I said that.
Brick: Can I tell them we saw a girl in her bra?
Axl: Tell them nothing! I'm scared, Brick. I'm really, really scared. All my teachers told me it was impossible for me to pass at this point, but... if you help me study this weekend, I know I can bring my grades up. And I get this is all probably weird. 'Cause usually I'm a billion times more awesome than you, but right now... I really, really, really need your help.
Brick: [sighs] Okay. I'm gonna need a highlighter pen, Goldfish Crackers, and a 44-ounce Slushie - blue. Oh, and clear your schedule. It's gonna be a long night.

Frankie: [v.o.] Out here in the middle, people are pretty self-reliant. We mow our own lawns. We paint our own houses. We wash our own cars. And if you can't do it alone, you ask your family to help.
Axl: Chop-chop, people. Fold while you eat.
Mike: Axl, we're in the middle of dinner.
Axl: Yeah, exactly, and I got to get back up to school before the cafeteria closes, 'cause there's no way I'm eating this slop you're eating.
Frankie: Look, if you don't like expiration-date-soup night, fine, but I took the time to dump all those cans into the pot, so the least you could do is show a little appreciation.
Mike: Think maybe we could cut a corner somewhere else, besides food?
Frankie: Yeah, Mike, we don't have any corners left. We're living in a circle here.
Axl: Hearing a lot of talking, not seeing a lot of folding.

Frankie: [phone rings] Mike, can you grab that? My nails are wet.
Mike: Hmm. Can't think of anyone I'd want to talk to.

Axl: Hey, buddy. What's up?
Brick: I'm not gonna fold your underpants.
Axl: Is that why you think I'm here? [scoffs] Nah. It's just I've been feeling guilty 'cause I kept promising you could come up to college with me and I feel bad it hasn't happened. But I really think now's the time.
Brick: Really? Can we visit the library and check out the microfiche? [whispers] Microfiche.
Axl: Yeah, sure. Um, I don't know if the cafeteria is serving that, but, uh...

Brick: All right, now I'm gonna need your Math syllabus, your quizzes, and all your homework.
Axl: Okay. Syllabus. Syllabus. Uh... Syllabus. Oh! Is this is it? It also makes a great back-scratcher.
Brick: Axl, that's a protractor. What I need is your syllabus. You know, that piece of paper they give you at the beginning of the year and it tells you what's gonna be covered in class?
Axl: Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't have that.
Brick: Then just give me all the Math homework you did.
Axl: Gotcha. Let me just have a quick look around. Um, hmm, okay. Uh, wait. Hold on. It's got to be around here some-- Oh! Here it is. Ah, my Math homework was in my Philosophy folder, which I may have turned into a paper airplane.
Brick: Axl, this is completely illegible.
Axl: Thank you, 'cause my teacher said he couldn't even read it.

Axl: Oh, my God! What did you do to your hands? Ha! Blue nail polish! Dad, did you see this? Did you see what your wife did to her nails? Look, check it out!
Sue: That's hi-larious!
Brick: Wow, Mom. Just wow.
Mike: What do you got going on there, Frankie?
Frankie: It's nothing! Geez, I don't know. It's just a little fun thing. I heard bright colors were in this season.
Axl: Yeah, but why nails? I mean, if you're gonna do something, do something about those sandpaper elbows.
Brick: Yeah, I brushed up against them yesterday, and they almost cut me.
Sue: No, you guys, this is good. This is what you are supposed to do when you're older. You're supposed to do something that draws attention away from your face.
Brick: They do match the color of the veins in her neck. Is that what you were going for, Mom?
Frankie: Yeah, Brick, that's what I wanted, to find a nail color that matches the bulging veins in my neck.

Coach Babbit: [on answer phone] Hey, there! Coach Tink Babbitt here from Orson High. Just letting you know we'd love to have your talented daughter on the volleyball team this season!
Frankie: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! [answers phone] Hello!
Coach Babbit: Oh, hi!
Frankie: Hi! Hi. S-so, you're saying she made it?
Coach Babbit: She sure did! She really nailed her tryout.
Frankie: Axl, is this you?
Coach Babbit: Uh, excuse me?