Mike: [on the phone] Hold on. Y-you are talking about Sue Heck, right? Long, straight brown hair, braces.
Coach Babbit: That's the one! And we'd love to offer her a spot on the varsity team!
Frankie: Okay, j-just to be super-clear, you're positive you're looking at the list of the girls who made it? We wouldn't normally ask, but these are things that have happened.
Coach Babbit: Yep, 100% talking about your daughter. So, Sue will need a pair of shorts, kneepads, and do you guys have a lawyer?
Mike: Uh... we're kind of in between lawyers right now.
Coach Babbit: Great. Ooh, and we sent her home with some forms. If you could just sign these real quick and get 'em back to us, that'd be great. And congratulations! Go Hens!
Frankie: Go Hens!

Brick: Axl, we drove through campus so fast I didn't get to see any of the fun stuff on my list.
Axl: Hmm.
Brick: The Life Science Plant and Soil Laboratory, the Scandinavian Cultural Center, the Florence Henderson Library.
Axl: Not to worry, there's plenty to read... here. Hey! So, just now, I thought of this really funny game. Uh, pretend I'm an alien and I don't know anything about math and you've got to make me understand it in, like, uh, hmm, one day. Blip, bloop, blop, blop, bloop, dur. Go!
Brick: I thought you wanted to "hang" with your "little bro." Did you really just bring me here to help you study? [sighs] Why do I even ask anymore?

Frankie: Mike, you are not gonna believe what just happened.
Mike: Well, I'm gonna guess it has something to do with that dog.
Frankie: Well, yeah. I saved his life. I rescued him. He was just wandering around on Bailey Street and he could have gotten hit by a car. So, I opened my door and he jumped right in. Didn't you? Didn't you just jump right in? And check this out. He follows me around. [laughs] You love to follow me around. Don't you love it, Colin Firth? I named him Colin Firth.
Mike: You named him? You don't think we're keeping this dog, do you?
Frankie: No, of course not. I mean, obviously we need to find out who owns him. I'll put out some fliers and stuff. But he just looked so sad and hungry. Are you hungry, Colin Firth? Are you? I know you'll like the cans of food I open.

Mike: That's it. We are never climbing Mount Everest. Rich people sure like to die in weird places. Night, Frankie. See you in the- [dog growls] So, how are those fliers coming?

Coach Babbit: [to the assistant coach] You see that guy over there? That's Floorboard's dad.
Mike: [chants] Sue! Sue! Sue!
Coach Babbit: Oh, my God. Did you hear that? I don't think he's being very subtle about what he's gonna do.
Mike: Sue!
Assistant Coach: Who's that guy next to him?
Coach Babbit: Oh, no. Looks like he's lawyered up already. We got to put her in.
Assistant Coach: What? It's match point!
Coach Babbit: We can't afford another lawsuit. Not after Monica Ruiz and the Bunsen-burner incident. She's still wearing a hat. Floorboard! You're in! Let's go!
Sue: Seriously? I'm-- I'm in? As in, in the court? Like, where they are?
Coach Babbit: Hustle!

Axl: Oh! Here we go. Here's my notes I took in Philosophy class. Oh, they, uh, sort of reek. Do I smell like that? [sniffs]
Brick: Why are there stars all over this?
Axl: Oh, I use that to mark down where all the hot chicks were sitting.
Brick: So, you did nothing?
Axl: Uh, I got Sarah's phone number. [scoffs] I mean, look at where she was sitting compared to where I was sitting. That was not easy. You should really learn from my mistakes, Brick.
Brick: That's a lot to learn.

Mike: So, uh, listen. The kids and I were talking. And, uh, we felt like there's something that we wanted to say to you.
Sue: Mom, I am so, so sorry. You mean everything to me, and I never meant to hurt your feelings.
Brick: You know, a lot of moms probably can't jump, and you do lots of stuff better than jump... a-and I will get you those examples at a later date.
Axl: I think the thing to remember here is sometimes people mess up, and maybe they don't tell you they messed up right away, 'cause it might not be the right time, but the important thing is, when they do eventually tell you, it's good to remember that everyone's just finding their way and making mistakes as they go.
Frankie: What? Axl, what does that have to do with-
Axl: I'm just saying if you have love in your heart, forgiveness is a big part of that.
Mike: Hey, look at this. College has been good for this kid.

Sue: Oh, I'm trying out for volleyball so I got to practice every chance I get.
Frankie: Mm! Okay, no volleyball at the table, please.
Brick: Really? It's a good distraction from the food.

Mike: Hey, everyone gets teased around here. That's how we show affection.
Frankie: Affection? Really? I always thought of affection as, you know... I don't know-- a hug? Which actually might be nice once in a while.
Mike: All right. I'll remember that.

[montage:]
Dr. Nosoop Patel: Axl, based on your lackluster performance on my quizzes and tests, you must know that it is mathematically impossible for you to pass this class.
Axl: Unless I buckle down?
Professor Morson: Dude, there's no more "buckling down." You didn't hand in any of your papers, and if you don't drop this class, I'm gonna have to fail you.
Axl: Unless... I hit it hard and turn it around?
Senora Pitts: The time to turn it around has passed. The only way to avoid a failing grade is to...
Dr. Nosoop Patel: Drop this class.
Professor Morson: Drop this class.
Senora Pitts: Dejar esa clase.
Axl: What? I'm sorry. I've been really lost all quarter. I have no clue what you're saying.
Senora Pitts: Drop this class. Comprende?
Axl: Oui.