Mike: Don't know why you even want it, Dad. Doesn't work.
Big Mike: You never know when you need a backup.
Mike: You already got six busted dishwashers sitting in your yard.
Big Mike: Now I got seven. I'll just hoist it up on the truck there, and I'll be out of your hair.
Mike: Hang on. Let me do it.
Big Mike: Oh, no, I don't want to be a bother.
Mike: Not a bother, Dad. If you have a heart attack trying to move it, that's gonna be a bother.
Big Mike: Well, don't scratch it.

Big Mike: Doctor? What are you gonna call a doctor for? I'll just burn it off of him right here.
Brick: Uh, yeah. I don't know how I feel about burning things off my neck... Or any place, really.
Mike: Relax, Dad. We got it.
Big Mike: Well, all right, but if that head buries, you know what's gonna happen.
Brick: I don't! What's gonna happen?!
Big Mike: I used to cut ticks out of you all the time, and you're still here, aren't you?
Mike: I'm not burning or cutting anything off of or out of my son, okay?
Big Mike: Wow. When did you get so soft? Guess I always wanted a daughter.
Mike: Dad. Enough.
Big Mike: I'm just saying, that's... That's not how I raised you.
Mike: Don't talk about how you raised me. You weren't around that much. Okay? You didn't do that great a job.
Big Mike: Well, I guess... I'm done here. I'll just get on down the road. Thanks for the dishwasher.

Brick: Uh, hello? I'm still very interested to know what happens if the head buries. [whispers] Head buries.

Frankie: [answers phone] Hello?
Aunt Edie: Who's calling?
Frankie: You are, Aunt Edie. You're calling me again. Do you need something?
Aunt Edie: Okay. I'm gonna let you go now. How do I hang up?
Frankie: The red button. Just push the red button.
Aunt Edie: Got it. [phone beeps] Hello?
Frankie: The red button. [phone beeps] Red button, red button, red button. [hangs up]
Mike: She find the red button?
Frankie: I don't know. I found mine first.

Frankie: I mean, we can't float this any longer. We gotta find somebody to take care of Aunt Edie. If not, she may have to move in here.
Mike: Look harder.
Frankie: I'm worried, Mike. She almost set her house on fire.
Mike: Oh, well, then, definitely, move her in here.

Sue: Axl, do people at school say they're "Going to prom" or "Going to the prom"? I've heard it both ways. What does Darrin say? We should probably match.
Axl: Oh, my God. You should say you're not going to the prom with Darrin. It's a crime against nature.
Sue: What is your problem? It's not like we're gonna make out or anything.
Axl: Ugh, yeah, thanks for that image.
Sue: Besides, if I was gonna crush on any of your friends, it would totally be Sean.
Axl: Are you trying to make me puke?
Sue: Although... I suppose, if Darrin and I really hit it off, we could end up getting married, and then I would be Mrs. Sue... Darrin's last name. You and I would be related.
Axl: We are related.
Sue: Then we'd be double related.
Axl: Oh, no.
Sue: Yeah. You'd have to come to our house at Christmas.

Brick: What are you going to do now that you can't read to the kids at the library, Grandma Dot?
Grandma Dot: I don't really know. It was a real surprise when they announced the closing. Such a shame. All those...
Frankie: [v.o.] Maybe if I came into work late Tuesdays and Thursdays, I could check on Aunt Edie.
Grandma Dot: Everything seems to be changing. I was looking after my sister, but recently she passed away.
Frankie: [v.o.] I wonder if I could just hide her down in our basement. There's a TV. She could come up for holidays...
Grandma Dot: Yep. My sister's gone. The library's closed. I have a lot of free time at the moment, living all alone.
Frankie: [v.o.] Why can't this woman stop her yammering so I can just figure this out?
Grandma Dot: Sweetie, do you mind terribly if I have a smoke?

Brick: Clover. Hi, Grandpa Big Mike. Dad says I'm supposed to get our dishes out of the old dishwasher.
Big Mike: Okay. Looks like your dad's finally got you doing something for yourself.
Mike: [groans] You know, Dad... If you got a problem with the way I'm raising my kids, why don't you just say it?
Big Mike: Aw, it's not for me to say. They're your kids.
Mike: Yeah. They are, Dad. My kids, and you got a-
Brick: Stupid clover!
Mike: Hey, Brick, Brick! What are you doing? Be careful with that. [off Big Mike's look] What?
Big Mike: Nothing.
Mike: No, you're right. You're right. That is soft. Brick? Forget the hammer. How'd you like to use a chain saw? Here, let me fire it up for you.
Brick: Um, I'm not even allowed to use an electric toothbrush.

Big Mike: Aw, what are you worried about? Your dad was using a chain saw when he was half your age.
Mike: No, you know what? Chain saws are for softies. I bet we can do better, huh, Dad? How about, uh, how about the blowtorch?
Big Mike: Nothing wrong with a boy learning how to use a blowtorch.
Mike: Go ahead, Brick. Your grandpa's gonna make you a man.
Brick: Thanks, but I think I'll stay a boy for now.
Mike: Come on. It's just 3,000 degrees of searing heat... Nothing to be afraid of. And Grandpa says it's okay.
Big Mike: Teach him how to use it properly, I don't think it's such a big deal.
Mike: Okay. What's it gonna be, Brick? Chain saw or blowtorch? Fire or steel?
Brick: You know, I'm thinking the clover might not be the source of the curse after all. I think it might be genetics. At least now I get to keep the four-leaf clover. They're actually kind of rare. Uh-oh. Where'd it go?

Frankie: [v.o.] In Aunt Edie's case, she found someone who had it together from the neck up, while she had it together from the neck down.
Aunt Edie: What was I getting again?
Grandma Dot: The remote, an ashtray, and you were gonna turn off the stove.
Aunt Edie: Ha ha! Yes. That's right.
Frankie: [v.o.] And if that's not luck, I don't know what is.