Frankie: Okay, look, we're parked in the loading zone, so let's wrap it up. What do we think, hmm?
Sue: Sparkly one!
Brick: Snow tree.
Axl: Whatever gets us out of here!
Mike: As it's been since biblical times, 50% off wins.

Frankie: [sighs] I still have so much to do. I got to run out and buy wrapping paper, I got to get out the dancing Santa, I got to set up the Christmas village. Although I don't know why I bother. The only one who even notices is Axl, and that's just so he can put the villagers in compromising positions.

Sue: Axl! Mom says she's not getting sucked into all the trappings.
Axl: What?
Sue: She says she's not doing Christmas.
Axl: Whoa! Whoa! [laughing] Whoa, whoa. I'm pretty sure there's a law that says I have to get presents on Christmas.
Frankie: Relax. You're all getting presents. I'm just not gonna spend all my time running around decorating and wrapping and being so miserable, I don't enjoy Christmas.
Axl: This is weird. You're being weird.

Mike: You keep saying "a" goes into "b," but I'm telling you, it doesn't fit.
Frankie: But that's because the branches are also color-coded. Blue "a" goes into red "b." I showed you the chart.
Mike: Mm. This is so much less joyful than killing a tree.

Mike: Can you believe this? They can't just give me the top of a different tree. I got to come back here, take this tree apart, put it all back in the box, and then haul the whole thing back to the store and return it.
Frankie: Really? Did you tell them it was just missing the top?
Mike: Yes.
Frankie: Well, did you tell them that's ridiculous?
Mike: Yes.
Frankie: Well, did you tell...
Mike: Everything you're about to say to me, I said to them.
Frankie: [v.o.] Yep, it was beginning to feel a lot like Christmas... stressful, irritating, and overwhelming.

Sue: Hey, Mom, I can't find the Christmas wrapping paper. And I got Darrin that 3-foot teddy bear he wanted, so I'm gonna need a lot of it.
Frankie: You know what, Sue? I'm not buying it this year. We have so much birthday wrapping paper. Just use that.
Sue: [laughs] You're joking, right? I can't use birthday wrapping paper.
Frankie: Well, I just don't want to go to the store and deal with all the traffic and the crowds and the blah.
Sue: What?
Frankie: Don't worry. We'll still have Christmas. I'm just not gonna get sucked into all the trappings this year.

Mike: Hey, hey, hey. I need to return this tree.
Danny: Oh, sure. I can help you with that. Is there a problem with it?
Mike: Yeah, I'd say so. It's supposed to be green, but...
Danny: Oh, it's pink.
Mike: It is pink.
Danny: Oh. I see what happened. See, the box was mislabeled.
Mike: Yeah. I'm glad we all know the problem. Now let's get to the solution.
Danny: You know, this happened to me once when I worked in home lighting. We got in a shipment of wall sconces...
Mike: Yeah, that's a good story.

Mike: Listen, I've been to this store three times today. I just want to get the tree I paid for and go.
Danny: So, green?
Mike: Yes... green.
Danny: [device beeps] It looks like we're sold out of that model in the green. I think we have one in the back, but it doesn't have a top.
Mike: Yeah, I returned that one.
Danny: So you don't want that tree, then?
Mike: No, I don't want the tree I returned.
Danny: [device beeps] I think we have a couple in our jasper store, so if we do a return on this one now, you can go pick up the new tree at that location.
Mike: Fine.
Danny: Now, there is a restocking fee because the box has been opened, but you know what, I'm gonna waive for you. Looks like it's your lucky day.
Mike: Yeah. Feeling real lucky.

Frankie: Hey, have you guys seen this show Chrome Underground? It is awesome! These guys travel to the most dangerous neighborhoods in the world looking to buy exotic cars. That one is Yusuf, and...
Sue: Yeah. Mom, um, we just wanted to talk to you for a second. We just wanted to say that we apologize and are so sorry.
Frankie: For what?
Sue: Just a... general... sorriness.
Axl: We're gonna work on bringing our grades up.
Sue: And we're gonna stop licking things.
Brick: Well, we're certainly gonna try.

Brick: So, what am I supposed to do about the letter? I can't write anything good, but I can't lie.
Axl: Sure you can. People lie all the time in those things.
Brick: Wait... so you're telling me 2014 wasn't a great year for the Kirkwoods?
Axl: Maybe not.
Brick: But what about the addition to the house they built in the backyard?
Axl: Probably so the dad had somewhere to get away from the mom.
Brick: Wow. I feel like I don't know the Kirkwoods at all.