Sue: Oh, look! [sneezes] This one's my favorite!
Axl: [covers face with plastic lid] Do you mind? I have a few fun things I'm still allowed to go to, and I can't afford to get sick.
Sue: I'm not sick! [sneezes] Oh, I'm perfectly fine. I have no idea why I'm sneezing.
[When Axl holds a Christmas tree branch in front of Sue, she sneezes. Axl chuckles. After Axl grabs Sue and sticks pushes her face towards the tree, she sneezes. Axl repeats this twice to the same effect.]
Sue: Oh, no! I'm allergic to Christmas! [sneezes]

Sue: Oh, my God, call the police!
Frankie: What? What's going on?
Mike: What?
Sue: Somebody stole our Christmas tree!
Mike: Sue, calm down. Nobody stole anything. I took it to the curb.
Sue: What?! I love that tree! Why would you get rid of the tree?
Mike: Because it was slowly killing you?
Frankie: A-a-and think about it. Christmas isn't about the tree, right? It's about the spirit, and look. We decorated a new tree.
Sue: That's not a tree! Of course it is about the tree. There isn't one Christmas song that doesn't mention a tree. "Oh, Christmas plant"? I don't think so! Oh, my God. I ruined Christmas!

Frankie: Oh, come on, Axl. We have to see you tomorrow. We were all gonna get the tree and decorate it as a family.
Axl: Yeah, that's a definite no.
Frankie: Uh, that's a definite yes.
Axl: What?
Frankie: This is a family holiday. If you think you're gonna come home and blow off your family for the entire Christmas, you got another thing coming.
Axl: What? All of a sudden, Christmas is about family?

Axl: Ho ho ho! The Ax-Man is ho-ho-home!
Frankie: Whoo! Axl's home! [pushes Brick out of the way] Axl's home, everybody! Oh!
Axl: Ah.
Frankie: There's my college boy! How was the drive? Are you hungry?
Axl: Starving. Lates.
Frankie: Oh. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. I was so excited to hear about college and how your exams went... Well, exam.
Axl: Yeah, uh, Darrin got the new Xbox, so me and Sean are heading over to his place.
Frankie: Oh, okay. Well, uh, will you be home for dinner?
Axl: Nope.
Frankie: Oh. Well, then I guess we'll see you tomorrow.
Axl: Only if you're looking at my picture in the hallway.

Frankie: Okay, then I'll start. Well, Tuesday night, I really want you to come to Ehlert's with us so we can all pick out a Christmas tree together.
Sue: I love picking out the Christmas tree!
Axl: Yeah, that's not gonna for me. I'm going night sledding with a bunch of people at Killer Hill.
Frankie: Well, if you come with us to pick up the tree, I could push the decorating till after.
Axl: [scoffs] Can't we just get the tree the next night? If you can make that work, I'd be willing to throw in two family dinners with light conversation.
Frankie: I was gonna do cookies Wednesday, but I could move the cookies, and I will hold you to your offer on the meals.
Axl: Fine. I will give you Wednesday, but that's a no on the cookies.
Frankie: Can you do cookies on Thursday?
Axl: I'm not doing cookies at all.
Frankie: Not even-
Axl: Cookies are off the table.

Axl: Now, the following Tuesday night, I will be going to a bonfire by the lake.
Frankie: On Christmas Eve?! Are you kidding me? That's definitely a family night. We've all having cocoa and watching White Christmas. Every year, you say you're gonna watch it, and you and Dad end up with your hands down your pants, watching football. Well, not this year. I bought a copy on eBay, and we are doing it. It's nonnegotiable.
Axl: Oh, we get a nonnegotiable. Good. Then my nonnegotiable is Joe's rager on Sunday!
Frankie: Fine. Then it looks like we have a deal. Pleasure doing business with you.

Axl: Family trip to the Christmas-tree lot, check! Don't wait up!
Frankie: Axl, you're still on the clock! Now get back here and help us bring in the tree!
Sue: I can't believe we finally got a big tree this year. Our house is gonna be like a magical Christmas wonderland.
Axl: Now that I'm helping carry this thing in, I'm gonna need you to let me go to Hooters on Christmas to watch football with my boys.
Frankie: First of all, you're not going to Hooters on Christmas. Second, have you seen the Orson Hooters?

Sue: Oh, this is so exciting! I can't believe we actually have an "in front of the window" tree.
Brick: So, if we knew the tag was mis-marked, shouldn't we have told the guy at the tree lot?
Mike: Well, Brick, that's an interesting dilemma. And if you're rich, then yes.

Frankie: Hey, perfect timing. We just started decorating the tree.
Axl: Started? I'm almost done.
Frankie: Axl, what are you doing? You can't just fling stuff at the tree. You have to care.
Axl: Oh, no, mnh-mnh. I looked at the terms of our agreement, and our deal has no mention of caring.
Frankie: Come on, Axl, stop being snarky.
Mike: You know your mom. She won't count this as a family event unless you enjoy it.
Axl: Well okay, fine. It's a blast. I'm having an explosion of fun!
Frankie: Uh, okay, now you're being sarcastic. You're being snarky and sarcastic, and I don't think any of us want to hear any more of your... snarcasm.

Axl: You heard her, people. She ruined Christmas. Oh, well. Guess I'll just have to find something else to do. I think there's a bonfire tomorrow night.
Frankie: No, Axl. Christmas Eve was my nonnegotiable. You already got yours.
Axl: But I made the wrong choice! Joe's party was so lame. It shouldn't even count. After we made cookies, I had to jitterbug with his grandma. She kept touching my face. She called me Donald.
Frankie: Look, I'm sorry, but we had a deal. It's gonna be fun, and trust me, you're gonna love White Christmas. It's one of the best movie musicals of all time.
Axl: Oh, my God. It's a musical?! That should have been disclosed at the beginning of negotiations! Why? [groans]