Sue: Brick. I need your help.
Brick: But I got to go to the bathroom.
Sue: Please?
Brick: Okay, fine.
Sue: I'm trying out for the school news, and I need your opinion.
Brick: I don't think you should try out.
Sue: I mean on my delivery. Just watch. "In sports, the girls volleyball team is hosting a cakewalk to raise money for uniforms. In other news, the cafeteria reports Pizza Thursdays will be replaced by Taco Thursdays." Well?
Brick: I think you shouldn't try out.

Frankie: [v.o.] So the royal wedding was barreling down, and while they were polishing silver at Buckingham Palace, I was doing a few little preparations of my own.
Frankie: God. Axl, did you get this crap on the TV? It looks like mashed potatoes.
Axl: [scoffs] Like when'd you ever make mashed potatoes? Knowing you, it's probably frosting. [Frankie licks the knife]

Axl: What'd you get from windsorware.com?
Frankie: Hey! Hey. That's for me. Come on. I don't go ripping open your stuff.
Axl: Oh, my God! A princess chick teacup?
Frankie: None of your beeswax.
Axl: Mom ordered some douchey teacup for the royal wedding.
Mike: What? Are you kidding me? What are we gonna do with that? Suppose it could hold guacamole.
Frankie: This is not for eating. It's about historical significance that's too complicated to explain, so just give me back my plate.

Mike: Now here's something with historical significance, in case we want to go back and pinpoint the exact moment that you lost your mind.
Frankie: Okay, it's- It's a little bigger than I expected, but come on. It's not ostentatious. Hmm?
Axl: Yo, yo! Flavor Flav in the hizzouse! [laughs]

Dave: Mike. We need to talk.
Mike: Yeah, we do. Will somebody tell Irv to quit flicking his butts into the blasting caps?
Dave: No, this is serious, Mike. Jim told us about the pretzels.
Mike: What? You're here about pretzels?
Chuck: Let me tell you a little story, boss man, about a dude named Chuck. He dropped out of high school to live free, but when his mom said he couldn't live free in her garage anymore, Chuck went to find a job. Chuck chose a quarry, a quarry with pretzels, but now there's no pretzels, just Chuck.
Jim: He's Chuck.
Mike: Yeah, I got that. Look, they're coming down on me to make cuts. Could have fired somebody, but no, I axed pretzels. Why? 'Cause I'm a nice guy.

Dave: Who exactly would you fire?
Jim: Not me, right? I just adopted a labradoodle.
Dave: Ooh, let's fire Irv. He's gonna get us killed.
Mike: That's great. I'll go to the hospital right now and fire him.
Chuck: Rocking idea, boss man. Now we can get our pretzel on.
Mike: How about you get your hard hat on, and you get your back to work on, and I'll see you guys at lunch?
Dave: Ooh, the whistle blows, and suddenly we're pals. Unh-unh, suit. We're going someplace else for lunch.
Jim: Someplace with pretzels.
Chuck: And freedom.

Sue: Hey. I'm "on-air." How do I look?
Axl: Wow. It's true. The camera does add 10 pounds of dork.

Frankie: Look, I'm in sales, too, so if you think you're gonna sucker me into buying something I don't need, guess again. I just need something for the yellow blob and the sideways lines sometimes up and down, and I'll be on my way.
Man: Excuse me. Yeah, I got this a week ago, and... I don't know. I just don't like it.
Salesman: Um, returns are right over there, sir, and you know our motto, "If you ain't happy, we ain't happy, no questions asked."
Frankie: So he can just return it like that?
Salesman: Yeah. We have a 14-day "any reason" return policy.
Frankie: Wow, that is so nice of you. Okay, wait. So let's say I buy a TV and I ain't happy for, you know, whatever reason, after... Friday - just picking a random day - I can return it?
Salesman: Yep. Just a $25 restocking fee.
Frankie: Hold the phone! HDMI 1.4? You know, you guys should put that bigger on your tag. I'll take it!

Brick: It's just so big.
Frankie: Kind of overpowers the room, huh? I love it! [laughs]
Axl: All right. Give me the remote. Let's find Cinemax and get this hi-def skank train going.

Phil Bickel: Mr. Heck? Phil Bickel, Quarry Qorkers 703. I'm here about the pretzel situation.
Mike: I don't think so.
Phil Bickel: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Either we talk or they walk.
Mike: A strike? 'Cause I got rid of pretzels and fancy toilet paper?
Jim: Oh, that's what's different.
Mike: Okay. I can give back the pretzels... And, uh, get rid of their health insurance.
[Phil confers with the workers]
Phil Bickel: No dice. They want health insurance and pretzels.
Chuck: And the TP.
Dave: Yeah, give it back!