Frankie: [organ music plays on TV] Oh! No, no, no! Don't sit. Rise for the pastor. He's coming in. He's coming in.
Axl: Nobody can see us.
Frankie: God can see us. If we're gonna get credit for this, it has to be legit. We have to treat it with the same solemnity as we do regular church. [takes the chip bag away from Axl]
Pastor: [on TV] You may all be seated. A reading from the gospel of Luke, chapter...
Frankie: You don't have to worry about the remote, Mike. This is the one we're watching.
Mike: I just want to hold it.
Brick: Why are we whispering? [whispers] Whispering.
Frankie: We're in church.

Sue: Dad?
Mike: Uh... I'll do it, but only if I get to stay here.
Sue: What? Wait, so we're just gonna sit on a couch and wear Santa hats? Yeah, that makes sense.
Frankie: [quietly to Mike] Just get it over with, and she'll stop talking about it.
Axl: If I smother her with a pillow, she'll also stop talking about it.

Brick: You know, Axl, I still want my money for the gift.
Axl: I want my money for the gift.
Brick: Maybe I'll just forget this unholy alliance and get her my own gift.
Axl: Hey, if you can come up with a better idea than perfume cat, then be my guest.

Sue: [gasps] I know! I am gonna caption this "Happy Heckidays"! Okay, smile!

Frankie: [v.o.] So, we might have looked happy, but it didn't stay that way.
Frankie: Sue! Brick! Get back here and finish church!
Sue: I'm almost done. I'm still listening! [sings] Glory to God in the highest.

Axl: Okay, if they don't have to be here for this, I'm going to the bathroom. I just chugged some of your communion juice, and I got to pee!
Frankie: Where is everybody going? Sue, get back! You're gonna miss the "peace be with yous"! [Mike changes the channel] Mike!
Mike: God would not have created the remote if he did not want me to use it.

Axl: You know... You should've just told me you didn't like it. You think I care about whether or not I make you happy? [chuckling] I mean, it's got a... Pearl necklace. Did you see that? Wearing the pearls.

Frankie: I saw the big box. I thought it was the Fuggs I wanted.
Mike: Fuggs?
Frankie: Yeah, they're the knock-off Uggs. They make 'em out of old tires. Did you not even read my list?
Mike: Can I just change it to the football game? We got a loose handle on the whole Jesus story. I think we're good.

Frankie: What's going on in here?
Brick: Sue has something to tell you, and keep in mind... we're in church.
Sue: Okay, okay, see, I-I-I was uploading the... The... the bed pictures onto the computer, and something happened, and... [sighs] they're gone.
Frankie: Well, I'm sorry, Sue. We're not taking another picture. Now, come on. Your dad's got an itchy trigger finger with the remote.
Sue: Uh, no, I-I mean, they're all gone... like, all the pictures.
Frankie: Oh. Well, that's a bummer. How many pictures did you have on your camera?
Sue: No, not just the camera. Like... All the pictures on our computer that we've ever, ever taken are gone!
Frankie: What?! No! They have to be there! [keyboard clacking] Where are they? Where are they?
Brick: Mom, you can't just hit random buttons. We already tried that.

Axl: Wait... do not tell me the photo where I ran up against the wall and did that perfect flip was on there! It's only the most awesome photo ever taken, and I'll never be able to do it again! Oh! You really Sue'd this one up, Sue!
Sue: Well, it's not my fault, Axl! You know, if we had the original cord that came with the computer... But no! You had to take it up to college. So now mom and dad have this cheap knock-off Mr. Cord, so when I plugged it into the computer, it said, "This device is not supported by your cord"!
Frankie: It's not the cord! It's the computer! [gasps] Disney World! I told your dad and I told your dad we needed to get a new computer. Yet, the man who knows nothing about computers said this one is fine!
Mike: Don't try to blame this on me. I don't even know why we need a damn computer.