Axl: What are you doing? We can't just leave Grandpa.
Brick: You're going to go back, right?
Mike: Why should I? He said he wants to die.
Axl: Oh, my God! Your family's so weird. I'm so lucky I got Mom's genes.
Brick: What about me?! I feel like I have more of Dad's.
Axl: It doesn't have to end this way! He just needs a reason to live!
Brick: I could get him into my Planet Nowhere books. They're riveting!
Axl: I saw an old vacuum cleaner on the side of the highway a couple miles back! I mean, he's too young to die!
Brick: He's got more stories to tell!
Axl: He never gave us the $5!

Brick: Did Grandma really get sick, or did you leave her in the woods, you monster?!
Mike: Keep your pants on back there. I'm just trying to scare him. Remember the time you guys were fighting, I told you to get out of the car and said you had to walk home?
Brick: We did walk home!
Mike: Point is, you learned a lesson.
Axl: No, we didn't. We fought the whole way home. We still fight to this day. We've learned nothing!
Brick: Seriously, we can't play games here. The temperature's dropping and his skin is paper thin.
Mike: Relax, I'm turning around. Boy, you guys are going to be horrible fathers.

Frankie: [v.o.] So we were throwing our second party in a week, all to get Sue her second kiss.
Nancy: Happy New Year! Wow, a Christmas Eve party and now a New Year's Eve party? If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were trying to move in on my territory. You better not be having a Valentine's Day party. [laughter] I'm serious. Don't.

Sue: So how were the "blopes"?
Sean: Oh, well, it was Michigan, so it was just one "blope".
Sue: Right.
Carly: Sean! Hey! I haven't seen you in forever!
Sean: Hey, Carly!
Frankie: So nice that you could pop in, Carly. I know you got to run.
Sue: Yeah.
Carly: Actually, I think I might stay for the countdown.
Frankie: Oh, no, sitters are expensive and you got to get back home to that baby of yours... you know the choices we make and all that. [laughs]

Mike: [sighs] Alright, Dad, enough's enough. Time to go home. Dad?
Brick: Grandpa?
Axl: Oh, my God! You killed Grandpa! How could you let this happen?
Brick: This is all your fault! You are a monster!
Mike: I was trying to scare him.
Big Mike: Hard to die with all this racket going on.
Mike: Dad, you almost gave me a heart attack.

Frankie: What's happening?
Sue: Sean and Sue were talking by the refrigerator, then she did one of those laughs that turned into a snort and walked away.
Frankie: Oh, crap. She's over there with Old Man Johnson. He's probably talking her ear off about his kitchen fire.
Brad: Ugh.
Frankie: He thinks he's the first guy whose toaster ever burst into flames.
Brad: She's too nice. And you know what they say, "Nice girls who waste their time at parties talking to old men instead of their cute neighbor do not get kissed at midnight".
Frankie: We need them together at the stroke of midnight. I've got to break this up. [Mike enters] Hey, Mike. Things are happening. I can't tell you what, but major stuff is going down.
Mike: [sighs] You know what else is going down? Me. Happy New Year. [rubs Frankie's shoulders]
Frankie: No kiss. [sighs]

Axl: [scoffs] Just FYI, those baloney rolls have been in the garage for a week.
Brick: Oh. I don't have much of an appetite anyway. Dad pretending to drive away while Grandpa pretended to be dead really threw me.
Axl: Yeah, 2017 is ending with a resounding "weird".
Brick: Mm-hmm. I kind of feel bad for Grandpa. Maybe we should go over and hang out with him. I mean, I never thought of him as a person before. He was always just kind of a cash-giving, hoarding old guy whose scabs took forever to heal.
Axl: Yeah, he had really cool stories. I can't believe he arm wrestled that cop to get out of a ticket. And she almost beat him.
Brick: I bet he has more stories.
Axl: I know he has three beer fridges and a very slippery moral compass.
Brick: I'll get my jacket!
Axl: Meet you outside.

Mike: Hey, Axl, come here!
Axl: [o.s.] Why?!
Mike: 'Cause I said so!
Axl: [o.s.] Did you put another present for me under the tree?
Mike: No, just come here.
Axl: [o.s.] You come here!
M;You're going on a trip with Grandpa and me. So is Brick.
Brick: [o.s.] What?! Where?!
Mike: I don't know!
Axl: [o.s.] How can you not know?!
Brick: [o.s.] Don't we get a say in this?!
Mike: I gave you guys a chance to come out here and you blew it.
Axl: [o.s.] God!
Brick: [o.s.] I'm pooping.
Frankie: Those are the two you want to take?
Mike: Oh, I'm taking them. Not sure I'm bringing them back.

Brad: Why would anyone find this fun? Ugh, well, I mean the case is nice. I guess I could put my stage makeup in it.

Sue: You're right, Brad. I am not going to even think about it. I'm just going to do it. Okay. [clears throat] How do you do? [phone chimes] No! Oh, it auto-corrected to "Fliberdoo".
Brad: Oh, thank God. Who says, "How do you do"?
Sue: You're right. Got to keep is cazsh. How are the slopes? [phone chimes] Blopes?! Ugh! [phone vibrates] Oh! He's answering! I can't look! Tell me what it said.
Brad: "The blopes are fine. See you soon. Dollar-sign, horse head". Oh, my God, you guys are both terrible texters. You are made for each other.