Axl: Oh, my God. That service was endless. Why doesn't church have half time or at least time-outs?
Frankie: Hey, none of us wanted to go to Dottie's confirmation, but the Donahues showed up for ours, so we had to go to theirs. That's just the way it works.
Brick: Mom, when was my confirmation?
Frankie: [quietly] Crap on a cracker.
Axl: Oh, wait. Brick didn't get confirmed? [laughs] Brick's going to hell! Dad crashes his car right now, Brick goes straight to hell.
Brick: Really?! Is that true?!
Mike: Nobody's going to hell. We're already in hell.

Frankie: Look, we're just cranky because we're hungry. Let's stop and pick up a pizza at Dom Raggano's. [all groan]
Mike: Frankie, that place is expensive.
Axl: Plus they got all those gross toppings. Who puts spinach on a pizza? It's un-American.
Frankie: You just don't appreciate it 'cause it's good. They use real cheese. Cissy Layton from Good Morning, Orson loves it.

Frankie: Fine, I won't get any froofy toppings, but I at least want to get pineapple.
Axl: Don't start, Mom!
Frankie: I'm not starting anything. Look, I really want Dom Raggano's, okay? My 50th birthday was two months ago, and I never got a present, so consider this my gift one measly half a pie with pineapple on it.
Brick: But there's three of us who don't like pineapple. It's not exactly fair for you, who's just one person, to get half the pie.
Frankie: Fine, a quarter pineapple. [Axl and Brick groan] One slice of pineapple!
Axl: The pineapple doesn't stay contained. It always leaks onto the pieces next to it.
Frankie: Hey, I'm 50 years old. I shouldn't have to fight to get the pizza I want. When we said we were gonna float my birthday, did I complain?
Brick: Well, you're kind of complaining now. You just floated the complaining.
Mike: All right, all right, no more ganging up on your mom. This is obviously some kind of big deal to her, so let's just go there and get it over with.

Brick: Mom, Dad, what are some things you think I can't do?
Axl: You can't do anything with your hair. You can't rock tennis shoes. You can't go to heaven.

Axl: Hey, you've already got an athlete. I don't know why you two are always trying to turn your other two loser kids into me. You got a winner living right under your roof, and that winner is hungry.

Axl: Oh, my God. This is the worst day ever. Now Mom has to cook us something.

Mike: I was thinking maybe a surprise party.
Brick: But how would it be a surprise if she's planning it?
Axl: Don't be dumb. Obviously, she's not planning her own surprise party. Sue will do it.
Mike: Yeah, I'm not gonna tell Sue.
Axl: I like where your head's at, but I think Mom may want her there.
Mike: No, I just mean we hold off telling Sue until closer to the day. She's not great at keeping surprises. Besides, we can handle this.
Axl: But I've got too much on my plate already. I carved out 15 minutes of study time on a Tuesday! That's how busy I am.

Mike: We're gonna give her hugs. We're gonna have a six-foot sub, some boxes of the good wine. I'm gonna fix the light on the front porch.
Brick: Should we get, like, decorations or something?
Mike: Now you're talking. What kind? [Axl sighs]
Brick: A balloon.
Axl: You can't get just one balloon. It's her 50th. You got to get at least two.
Brick: Mm. And we can get streamers.
Mike: Nah, I don't want to deal with paper.
Axl: What if we got a banner with old people jokes, like, um, "You're over the hill," or, uh, "Halfway to the grave"?
Mike: No. While that might be true, we're trying to be nice. I'll just pick up some stuff from the party store. And, Axl, you're in charge of ordering the sub.
Axl: Okay. What do we get on it?

Sue: [answers phone] Dad? Uh, is everything okay? Why are you calling me? You never call me.
Mike: What? I call you. Hey, listen, i was thinking you might want to come home this weekend.
Sue: Just tell me who died. I can handle it. No, I can't! Oh, my God, I loved them so much! Who was it?!
Mike: Everyone's fine. Look, here's the deal. I decided that we floated your mom's 50th birthday long enough, so we're throwing her a little surprise party tomorrow.
Sue: [gasps ] Oh! Oh! We are? Oh, that's so exciting! [gasps] Who's coming? Can we have a theme? She likes the ocean. Oh, wait, how are we gonna plan a whole party in one day?
Mike: Well, your brothers and I have been working on it for a while. We didn't tell you 'cause we were worried you might blow the surprise.
Sue: What?! Why would you think that?
[flashback:]
Mike: Damn pocket knife's broke. I need a new one. [Sue squeals]
Frankie: Happy Birthday.

Sue: [on the phone] Well, if this is for Mom, I am so there. Mm, this is gonna be so much fun! [cellphone beeps] [gasps] Oh, wait, Dad, Mom's on the other line. [whimpers]
Mike: Don't pocket-knife this, Sue.
Sue: I won't. I won't. I got it. Hang on. [exhales deeply] [switches line] [clears throat Hey, Mom! What up... Mom?
Frankie: Hi, honey. What you doing?
Sue: Nothing. Nothing. Not doing anything. Not planning anything, that's for sure. [laughs]
Frankie: Oh, good, 'cause I miss my Sue. I was hoping maybe you could come home this weekend.
Sue: Uh... this weekend? Um, I- I -- no, I can't. I have so much to do. I-I-I'm not going anywhere. I'm just gonna stay in my room the whole time studying. I'm probably not even gonna sleep. Pfft!
Frankie: But I thought you said you weren't doing anything.
Sue: I wasn't when you called, but I'm about to be. Yeah. I have two huge tests, probably some pop quizzes, a lab, a couple seminars. [chuckles] Oops. I have a non-family member on the other line. Please hold. [switches line] Mom wants me to come home for the weekend.
Mike: Well, tell her you'll come home. Just don't mention the party.
Sue: I can't! That's not the story I constructed. I am so bad at this. You're getting a fleece blanket for Father's Day!
Mike: [sighs] Sue, don't worry about it. It'll be an even bigger surprise when she sees you're there. Just leave it that you're not coming home.
Sue: So I should tell her I'm not coming home?
Mike: You already did that. Just wrap it up and be done.
Sue: Okay. [switches line] Mom?
Frankie: Yeah? [call disconnects] Sue? Hello?