Frankie: [sighs] How great was this day, huh? That kid inside, he got through four years of college, which... let's just say it... was a real nail-biter.
Mike: You don't need to tell me. I was betting against him. I'm like the Pete Rose of dads. [chuckles] Hey, that's pretty good. Who can I tell that to? Did Bill leave?

Frankie: Oh, I am just so proud of him, Mike. I don't think I've ever been more proud. What an amazing kid we've raised. [sighs] I want him out of my house.
Mike: Well, that was a short love affair.
Frankie: No, I love him, but he needs to get a job and move out. If he doesn't, I'm gonna kill him or me or both of us. I got used to him not living here. I like knowing that when I open the cereal box, there will actually be cereal in it. I-I like it when there's no dirty socks on the table or on my bed or in the fridge. That one was on purpose. It had to be.
Mike: Well, that's not gonna happen, 'cause we're gonna have ground rules and he's gonna follow them.
Frankie: Yeah, right. We tried ground rules before. Remember how that worked out? Like when we drew up a contract that he had to take a bath every other day if he wanted TV.
Mike: Well, he was 5 years old. He signed his name with an X. I'm not sure it was legally binding.
Frankie: Well, we should've been more concerned that our 5-year-old could only sign his name with an X... and he's the one we read to.
Mike: Well, look, he's not 5 anymore. He's a man. And if we treat him like one, he'll act like one.

Frankie: Fun party, huh? Guess we probably should clean up.
Axl: Okay, cool, thanks. [clicks tongue] Stop looking at me.
Mike: Axl, I know this was your big day, but we could really use the help.
Axl: Oh, my God. It's my graduation. I haven't had a day off in 23 years. I'm exhausted. I just want to take a break.

Frankie: Okay, fine, we'll clean up the party stuff. But, Axl, you need to put all this crap away. I have standards... not many.
Axl: That is not my stuff.
Frankie: Hmm. Unicorns, puppies selling flowers to each other. Sue! You've got to get rid of this stuff. Who keeps a Justin Bieber 2012 calendar?
Sue: He's holding a kitten. I also like this because this is back when he was religious... Justin Bieber, not the kitten. [gasps] Maybe the kitten... I don't know if animals believe in God. I like to think they do. [gasps] Oh, no, no, no. I can't throw this out. [Sue grabs the snow globe I found it in the trash. I rescued it.
Frankie: Really, Sue?
Sue: There's just something about it. It spoke to me. Actually, it kind of did. When my garbage bag hit it, it started playing "Winter Wonderland," which is a surprisingly scary song when you don't know where it's coming from.
Frankie: Listen, you need to watch it. It's in your genes to become a hoarder. Before you start collecting toilets, you've got to get it together.

Sue: I got into a car accident!
Mike: What?!
Frankie: Oh, my God, what happened?
Mike: You okay?
Sue: Yeah. And no people were hurt, and no squirrels were hurt. I saw half a slug, but I'm pretty sure he was like that when I got there.
Frankie: So, what happened? I backed up and I brushed into a car and... [inhales deeply] I scratched it.
Mike: That's it?
Sue: Well, I'm not 100% sure about the slug, but yeah.

Brick: Do you know where my old chair is?
Sue: What?
Brick: I'm suffering from back trouble.
Sue: Back trouble, Brick? I cheated death today.
Brick: Maybe you chucked it in the basement along with all my other childhood memories.
Frankie: Possible, entirely possible.

Frankie: What do you mean you're going to Europe?
Axl: Yeah. Kenny's backpacking around Europe for the summer and he wants me to come with him.
Mike: Uh... I started my car with a screwdriver this morning, and you think we're gonna pay for you to go to Europe?
Axl: No. I'm not asking you to. Kenny might have some business meetings for his app stuff, and you know how Kenny doesn't like to talk, so he offered to pay for my ticket so I can come and be his voice.
Frankie: Hold on. Where exactly are you going?
Axl: Don't know. Probably lots of countries, I would think. You know... Rome, Paris, Europe.
Frankie: How long are you gonna be there for?
Axl: Don't know. This summer. We'll be back in August, probably, I think. But their summer might be our winter, so I'm not totally sure.

Frankie: Where are you gonna stay?
Axl: Don't know. We're just gonna buy a train ticket and figure it out on the way. I'm going to Europe. [laughs]
Mike: No, you're not.
Axl: What? Why?
Mike: You just graduated college. Now what you do is, you get a job and then you get married and eventually you have kids, and someday you'll tell them they can't go to Europe. That's how it works.
Axl: Dad, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Mike: Do you think companies close up shop in the summer and start offering jobs in the fall? All the people you just graduated with are gonna get the good jobs and you'll be left with whatever slim pickings there are in September, when you get back from flouncing around Europe.
Axl: [scoffs] I won't be flouncing.
Mike: Flouncing, traipsing, gallivanting... all that European stuff, it's not what people do when they graduate.

Mike: [scoffs] What planet are you on, Frankie? The other day, you were planning a murder-suicide if he didn't get a job and get out of your house.
Frankie: No, I still want him to get a job, and I definitely want him to get out of my house. But he has the rest of his boring life to start the rest of his boring life.
Mike: It's not responsible to go to Europe unless you have a job and can afford to go.
Frankie: He might never be able to afford to go. We can't afford to go. Remember that month we paid our bills off on time and we had this two-week window where we just watched TV? That was our Europe. Maybe he should have the real thing.

Frankie: Hey, you found your chair. Where was it?
Brick: Outside, covered in your bras.
Frankie: Ooh, yeah, sorry. I read in some magazine that you can revive the stretch by drying them in sunlight. So what'd you do with the bras?
Brick: I dropped them on the ground.
Frankie: Brick.
Brick: Don't worry. I didn't touch them. I used a stick. [sits down] Oh, yeah. That's the stuff. [a crow flies off with one of Frankie's bras]