Choir: [sing] La-la-la-la-la-la-la
Frankie: [whispers to Bob] But he's 8. Eight-year-olds are supposed to be happy at Christmas.
Choir: [sing] La-la-la-la-la-la-la
Frankie: Plus, he's whispering to himself more often.
Bob: Oh, don't let it stress you out.
Frankie: That's easy for you to say. You don't have kids. Trust me, as a parent, you're only as happy as your least happy kid.
Choir: [sing] La-la-la-la-la-la-la
Bob: Well, thank God I don't have kids. I just roam the Earth alone.
Man: Shh.
Choir Director: Eyes on me, please, people. Thank you. As you know, next week we'll be having tryouts for the midnight mass solo.
Frankie: I don't know why they even bother with tryouts. Everybody knows Melanie Howard's just gonna get it anyway.
Bob: Ugh! Tell me about it. Voice like an angel and married to an orthodontist. She's so frickin' blessed.

Frankie: Melanie Howard has throat polyps! Yes.
Mike: You didn't get this excited when my uncle had them.
Frankie: I have been in that choir for 15 years. And for 15 years, Melanie Howard has hogged all the solos. Now she has polyps and the field is wide open.

Axl: Oh, there you are.
Frankie: Oh, ahoy, matey.
Axl: So I signed you up to bring in pies for the team Christmas party which is tonight at 8. And I'm out of underwear.

Sue: But you said you would take me to the mall to pick out Brad's present. He said he wanted body scrub with papaya and ylang-ylang.
Frankie: Okay, I'll take you to the mall.
Sue: Thank you.

Axl: Hey, Dad, major upgrade on the snowman. I might actually wait a few days before I smash it with my baseball bat.
Mike: Thanks, buddy. How's work?
Axl: Awesome. My friends came by, called me a seaman. Living the dream.

Frankie: [v.o.] I have just come from rehearsal and I can safely say that I am going to blow the roof off that church tonight. Hey, Brick. You ready for Santa?
Brick: [nods] [shakes his head] I...
Frankie: Brick, what's the matter?
[Brick writes "Ask Dad!" on a small whiteboard]

Frankie: No... Oh, sorry. These are saved. It's for my family. Yeah, they're on their way. [to another man] No, no. You gotta get here early. You would've known if you came more often.

Sue: What about our present? Mom lets us open one present on Christmas Eve.
Mike: You can open it when we get back. Keys. Where are my keys?
Sue: It won't be Christmas Eve. It'll be Christmas Day. But she said...
Mike: Grab a present. You can open it in the car. Move.
Sue: There are no tags on these.
Mike: Tags? Wasn't on my list. Just throw them in the car, we can sort them on the way. Let's just move. Brick, head for the car. Opening... Come on, let's go. If your mom asks, we couldn't find a parking spot.

Reverend Hayver: And let us now rejoice in song.
Frankie: Can we just hold on the rejoicing just for one minute because of my family? Listen, can you just...? Tell them they'll be here. I'm gonna try to...
Bob: You can't do this.
Frankie: My family was supposed to be here at 11:00. They said they would come but I don't know why they're not here yet. They said they would be on time. Is there any way we can just hold for...? [sings] Oh, come, all ye faithful Joyful and triumphant Oh, come ye Oh, come ye To Bethlehem [Mike and the kids enter the church] Come and behold him Born the king of angels Oh, come let us adore him Oh, come let us adore him Oh, come let us adore him Christ the lord
Bob: That was beautiful.
Frankie: Oh, please.

Frankie: How could you be late?
Axl: It was Dad's fault. He fell asleep.
Frankie: Why is that, Mike? Is it because you were exhausted? Is it because Christmas is hard?
Mike: It's not hard. We would've been there sooner but the kids had to open a gift.
Axl: Oh, some gift. I've only got family minutes. Why would I wanna talk to my family?
Frankie: You opened the cell phone without me?
Mike: Because he quit his job.
Frankie: You quit your job?
Axl: Oh. Do you have any idea how disgusting it is to have to clean up after other people?
Frankie: I have some idea, yeah.