Frankie: Hey, everybody. I got the solo. [cheers] Yeah, baby.
Mike: Hey, that's great. Congratulations.
Frankie: Mike, you put up the tree?
Mike: Yep. Took me 20 minutes. I don't know why it always takes you so long.
Frankie: But I like putting up the tree. It's one of my favorite things. It's something we all do together.
[flashback:]
Frankie: Hey, did everyone break an arm? How come I'm the only one decorating the tree?
[present:]
Mike: Just think of all the time I saved you. I should check this off the list. Tree. Check. I'm kicking Christmas's ass.

Frankie: [v.o.] Well, Mike was handling Christmas all right. Problem was, he was handling it a little too well.
Frankie: Mike, why is there a snowman in the front yard?
Mike: You're welcome.
Frankie: But I love making the snowman. It is my favorite thing. It's something we all do together.
[flashback:]
Frankie: In case anybody cares, I just made the damn snowman.
[present:]
Mike: Hey, you said you wanted me to take care of Christmas, I'm taking care of Christmas.

Frankie: Brick? Brick, what are you doing under there?
Brick: Looking at the lights. But their beauty just makes me sad.
Mike: I know what'll get you in the spirit. How about a visit with Santa Claus?
Brick: Sure, it's worth a shot.
Frankie: Wait. You're taking him to see Santa?
Mike: It's next on my list. I'm telling you, the way I'm going, I could have Christmas wrapped up two days early. I don't know what you're always complaining about.

Brad: Here, taste this. I wanna see if there's enough cinnamon.
Sue: Okay.
Brad: Don't move. Your lips are really chapped.
Sue: Is that lipstick?
Brad: God, why does everybody always ask me that? It is glossy ChapStick.

Frankie: You told Brick Santa wouldn't bring him any presents if he doesn't stop whispering to himself? What were you thinking?
Mike: Hey, we've used Santa as motivation before. It's time to give up pacifiers, potty training, Hannah Montana. I thought I could slip the whispering thing there.

Frankie: So now Brick's afraid if he talks at all, he'll whisper then Santa won't come. That's great. I ask you to fix him and you busted him. And you know why? Because you rushed through it like everything else, just so you could check it off of your stupid list.
Mike: Hey, I was just trying to help. Maybe I didn't handle it exactly right, but while you're off at choir practice, I'm here busting my butt getting Christmas together. And let me tell you something, Christmas is... [stops talking and walks off]
Frankie: Christmas is what, Mike? Hm? Hard?
Mike: It's not hard.
Frankie: Admit it. Christmas is hard.
Mike: It's not hard.
Frankie: Say it. Say it. Christmas is stressful and exhausting and horrible. Say it.
Axl: Ah. Now it's starting to feel like Christmas.

Frankie: Okay, listen up. Everybody has to be there by 11 to get a good seat. The I-only-go-at-Easter-and-Christmas crowd is gonna be there hogging all the seats. It's gonna be crowded.
Mike: We'll be there.
Frankie: I love you. Just please be there on time.
Mike: Wouldn't miss it for the world.

Sue: [gasps] Oh, my God. A cell phone?
Mike: Uh... that's for Axl.
Axl: Oh, my God. Give me that. This totally doesn't suck. This is awesome. Ooh. I gotta call Darren.
Mike: Uh, not so fast. You can only call your family because you're on the family plan. You wanna call your friends, you can pay for that yourself. You got a job.
Axl: Uh... I... I quit that.
Mike: You quit your job? Why?
Axl: It was interfering with my studies. I don't know, what do you wanna hear?

Sue: There's no present here for me. Did you even get me anything?
Mike: Yes, of course we did. You got a Rihanna CD, and a Twilight...
Sue: Well, don't tell me what you got me. I wish Mom had done Christmas.
Mike: Well, get in line.

Brick: Hey, look what I found. My Santa PEZ dispenser. It slid out from underneath the seat the second time we almost died. It's a Christmas miracle.
Frankie: [v.o.] So almost dying - twice - had made the rest of us start thinking about our own existence. But for Brick, it made him stop.
Brick: Hey, there's candy in it.
Frankie: Don't eat that. It's like two years... Go ahead.
Frankie: [v.o.] Was the 2-year-old PEZ dispenser sliding out from under the dirty, crud-encrusted bottom of our seat a Christmas miracle? Who knows. I'd like to think yes. Because Brick was the happiest I've ever seen him that Christmas.
Brick: No way. Santa brought me a sparkly bag for my PEZ dispenser.
Mike: [chuckles] Sorry, buddy. I think you found one of Sue's.