Frankie: Mike. Remember when Sue saved that bird? And she kept feeding it all that cheese even though I told her not to? And then when she opened the cage door to set it free, it just stood there looking stupid 'cause it was too full of cheese? Is that us, Mike? Are we so full of cheese, we don't recognize an open door when we see it? I'm just saying, it doesn't hurt to look. We're just looking, okay? Join me! [tries to pull the sliding door] Cage... is... open! [door sticks]
Mike: Can't hurt to look.

Axl: Man, this party blows. Only thing good about it is the no forks thing.
Sean: I got to bounce in a minute. Spanish test Tuesday. Got to study.
Axl: Crap! There's a test Tuesday? How are we supposed to know? She writes everything on the board in Spanish.

Frankie: Mike, I had a very interesting conversation with Bob today.
Mike: I find that hard to believe, but okay.
Frankie: It turns out his hairdresser's parents were in a similar boat with their house. No pun intended. And they just packed it in and moved into an apartment at Hickory Arms.
Mike: The cheese and sausage place?
Frankie: No, that's farms. This is arms.
Mike: What are we talking about here?
Frankie: I don't know. I'm just wondering if maybe there's other options out there. I mean, we need a new roof, but we can't pay for a new roof and still make our mortgage. Look at us. We're above and below water at the same time.

Frankie: [v.o.] Okay. Why were we panicked over a little rain?
Frankie: I'll get the bowls. You get the pots and pans.
Mike: You go right. I'll go left.
Frankie: I knew I should have saved those margarine containers.
Brick: "The sky, it seems, would pour down stinking pitch."
Frankie: Not now, Brick! Go, go, go!
Axl: They're in the hall, too!
Mike: Brick, go to the living room!
Frankie: Screw the family photos! Cover the TV! You know this!
Sue: Right!
Frankie: Remote!
Mike: Got it.
Frankie: Good job, everybody.
Mike: Think we shaved some time off the last rain.

Frankie: Okay, this is ridiculous. We have to get a new roof.
Mike: Good idea. I'll go dig up the gold bars we buried in the backyard.
Frankie: What about our emergency fund?
Mike: Went towards paying off Brick's cavity.
Brick: [eating chocolate bar] "But they whose guilt within their bosoms lie, imagine every eye beholds their blame."
Mike: You know, Brick, that was cute at the block party, but we'd all had a lot of beers.

Sue: Brad, stop! Just because you're captain of the freshman football team doesn't make you invincible!
Mike: [to Frankie] How bad is our football team?
Brad: Chillax, woman. I can drive if I want.
Sue: But you're drunk, Brad! You're stinking drunk!
Brad: Don't worry, Mr. and Mrs. Heck. I am not drunk. What you just saw is a simulation of something that's going on in high schools all over the country... And maybe even in Europe.

Frankie: Hey, you're up.
Axl: I'm actually feeling a little better. I just wish I could figure out what to do about this stupid party tonight.
Frankie: You're sick, Axl. You're not going to any party.
Axl: I know. I don't even want to go. It's just... It's this surprise party for Jack, and his mom wanted me to keep him busy at Joe's Subs till it's time, and then get him there, but I guess I can just call Darrin and have him do it.
Frankie: You can't count on Darrin. He's an idiot. Oh, crap. What time is the party?
Axl: 6:30.
Frankie: That's in 20 minutes, Axl. I can't believe you have been home all day, and you're just now dealing with this. Did you even call his mom?
Axl: I've been sick.
Frankie: Well, you don't look bad now. You made the commitment, so you're just gonna have to suck it up and go to the party. Here, take some gas money.
Axl: Oh, I don't need any-
Frankie: Take it! Go!

Sue: [talking over the dishwasher] Look at this! "Betty Robinson, 97, killed after driving off bridge."
Frankie: Oh, God. That's horrible. Do we know her?
Sue: No, we don't! But she was texting and driving! Brad and I became team sober non-texting and driving ambassadors just in time.
Frankie: Well, not just in time. [machine stops] Huh. Think it just fixed itself?
[Frankie and Sue scream as water erupts from the dishwasher]
Frankie: Mike, get in here! Sue, get some towels!
Sue: Right!
Mike: What did you do?
Frankie: Oh, I don't know. I just got bored, decided to flood the house! I didn't do anything!

Frankie: Axl, help!
Axl: God. I will. Just give me a minute. In case you guys haven't noticed, I'm sick.
Mike: Look at him. You knew he was sick and you sent him to that party.
Frankie: Yeah, let's drop everything and have that conversation!
Mike: Axl, forget about school. Just- Just go back to bed.
Sue: Oh! The water is headed for the TV!
Frankie: Build a dam! Hurry!

Frankie: I just don't know what we're gonna do, Bob. We're busting our butts to pay the mortgage on a house that is obviously trying to kill us.
Bob: Well, you know the girl that cuts my hair Brooke, down at the barber college? 6 bucks! I hate to see her graduate. She really knows my head.
Frankie: This going anywhere, Bob?
Bob: Anyway, her dad got laid off. You know, so they had to move out of the house, so they rented an apartment at Hickory Arms.
Frankie: The cheese and sausage place?
Bob: No, that's farms. This is arms.
Frankie: Oh.
Bob: So they weren't thrilled about downsizing, but you know what? They pay less than they did before, and they love it.
Frankie: An apartment? Really? I don't know.
Bob: Frankie, think about it. Why are you throwing money at that house? If something breaks at Hickory Arms, you call the manager, it's fixed.
Frankie: Ooh. Fixed sounds so nice.
Bob: Oh, it is. That's why I rent. That's why my mom rents. I don't, uh... I chip in when I can, 'cause, you know, I'm not a mooch.